So lately I've been pretty ... insightful about my life... mostly in my own head. And it usually stays in my head because when I take thoughts and try to form them into words or sentences about myself, that are actually.... serious... its hard for me to put them into the proper context and word them the right way.
Though I am only 3 months post-op... I have really changed for (at least what I think) is the better. I am more sure of myself. I'm SO much happier. Yes, I still have my days where I just want to lay in bed and do nothing, but everyone has those days. I'm smiling more... this is something that has been pointed out to me.
Like for instance... The other day I went to my school to pick up my cap and gown (because thats right, I have my medical assistant graduation in a week and a half!) and one of the teachers, who I didn't even have as a teacher, said "You look so beautiful". I didn't respond because we were all talking in a group, and I thought she was talking to Ms. G, one of my old teachers. So I just stared blankly and then everyone looked at me... and my response was "oh! me?!" and she was like "Yes! I truly mean it. And to be that beautiful you had to be beautiful before. You just look beautiful and happy"
It was probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. And I never realized how many people are happy for me, and cared about me, and wanted this for me, until I had the surgery. The fact that people I barely know are telling me things like I'm beautiful and I look so much happier... is incredible. Its an amazing feeling to know that other people give a damn.
Same thing for my support group and everyone at my drs office. They are AMAZING. I love going every other Tuesdays to the support groups. And I love going to the office to meet with Dr. K or the nutritionist. Everyone in that group is inspiring and they have gone through or are currently going through everything I'm going through. Its so nice to have that type of support. And they've helped me with so much more than just my RNY related issues. They are seriously becoming like a second family to me.
Okay, back to the things I've learned about myself...
I'm learning how much more I respect myself now. I have been the girl that gives fat girls a bad name because I would put out just because a guy looked at me. I *knew* logically... that they would never actually date me, but its that fleeting feeling I would get of the "oh they actually want me" when really they just wanted to get their rocks off or because they made a bet with their buddy or whatever. A year ago I would have NEVER admitted I had low-self esteem.... Ever. Because in my head.. I didn't. 20/20 hindsight. Now I know what I'm worth. I'm abstaining from casual random sex with men because I know I'm worth more than a booty call or a fetish or some fantasy that some dude wants to fulfill. But thats all new and fresh and I'm actually having a hard time dealing with it because now I have to completely retrain myself on how I handle male attention. But I'm worth so much more than I ever gave myself credit for (and there were times where I gave myself A LOT of credit) ... Its all in the head. So from now on, I'm going to be following The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger's rules: NO SEX BEFORE MONOGAMY!
I'm learning that I'm actually a happy person. I'm really not this pessimistic,cranky,bitter New Yorker I always kind of pegged myself to be. I'm genuinely happy. I'm not saying I wasn't happy pre-op... because for the most part I was. I mean.. I had a pretty kick ass life, great friends, good head on my shoulders, and I was pretty cute. But now, I'm just happy with myself. The weight loss has really given me a different type of confidence that I didn't think I could have. Its not faked. Its not the peacock strutting I've done in the past. Its this legitimate form of happiness that comes when I don't have to suck it in to zip of a pair of jeans, or when I can go into old navy and buy clothes *knowing* they'll fit. Its really awesome.
I'm learning that people see me as an inspiration. Its incredibly humbling that people are looking up to me for inspiration/advice/guidance etc. It was recently said to me at support group and then again today when the nutritionist from my surgeons office called me and asked if I would talk to a patient who had already gone through with the Lap-Band and was possibly considering converting to RNY but had some questions and concerns and was wondering if she could talk to someone around her age who had the surgery, and Nicole, the nutritionist thought of me and called me up and asked if I was willing to talk to her. Of course I was. I left her a message and thought long and hard about how I would go about the conversation, and when she called me back later on in the evening, it was like we had known each other for a while and we were able to talk very openly and freely. I gave her my take on the RNY, and how I think it was the best thing I ever did and what not. We were on the phone for 3 hours just talking about WLS, and life and everything. I think she's making the right decision in the choice she made, and I also made a new friend. But she told me that I helped her so much more than she thought and in a different way than she expected. She said I just help her make a decision but I helped her change her views and admit certain things and she's really excited to change her ways for the better. And whats even more amazing... is that these people that I inspire... keep me inspired. Its awesome.
I'm learning I'm capable of a lot more I've ever given myself credit for. I had some serious concerns that I wasn't going to be about to live up to the expectations of my pouch. I was legitimately scared that I was going to fail. Sometimes I still have that feeling, but its so fleeting now, that sometimes I don't even pay attention to it. I really didn't think I'd be okay with this lifestyle, but its amazing to my how something that I used to live my life around... doesn't really matter too much to me anymore. Food ran my life for 22 years. Everything I did... revolved around food. Food controlled me in so many ways. I lived for food. ... Not anymore. Its weird how things change and how certain things no longer matter so much. I thought I would have a hard time being at a bar or around alcohol because I can't drink, and at first... it wasn't so much hard as it was awkward. I'm not saying I'm a lush, but if I had the cash, I enjoyed imbibing in a vodka soda every once in a while. But... I forgot how much I love to just go to hang out with friends, or go just to dance. I love dancing. I talked about this before,but I pretty much look like a narwhal on wheels while dancing. White girl got no rhythm. But I fake it pretty well. But its simple things like that... I'm rediscovering the little things that make me happy.
I'm learning that my life is pretty awesome.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Identity crisis?
So. okay. Lately I've been accused of being somewhat of a narcissist because of the pictures I post on my facebook.
Fine. I admit it... I have been posting a lot more pictures of myself lately. But .... I'm really excited about them because I can see the weight loss in pictures. I can't see it in the mirror. I can't see it looking at myself. Its almost like I'm having an identity crisis. Its a fight between my eyes and whats actually going on.
I have days where I can see it. Mostly in my face or when I'm staring at my body in the mirror pre or post shower and examining the extra skin situation. I can see that my rolls are disappearing. I've actually lost some rolls.. I know that sounds weird, but fat people know what I'm talking about. You get rolls. I used to count them. I used to refer to them as my other guts. I wish I had taken more pictures of my body before surgery. Like of my actual body, those ones where the pre-op people are in their sports bras and shorts .... just so I can really see how big my physical body was. Like...I know how big I was... I was 346 pounds. But I really don't have a lot of pictures at that weight. because it was embarrassing. Now... I'm not so embarrassed anymore. So sue me. And also.... let me just say this... I've always said MYSELF... that I'm narcissistic and full of myself. So... I'm just sayin. ... I gave everyone fair warning. I make no apologies.
Another thing I'd like to discuss is perspective. Okay. So like I've mentioned before... I'm part of a WLS group on Facebook, and its awesome. Its really nice to have a group of people right at my finger tips that I can bitch, open up, get inpired, have fun with, talk about everything... that have all gone through the same thing I am pretty much at the same times I have. We're all losing awesomely.
But there are sometimes when someone will post that they are about the same as me and down more weight than me. Like... they'll be down 80 and I'm down about 60 since surgery. And its hard for me sometimes because I feel like.. maybe I'm not doing the right thing. Why am I not losing as fast or as much as this person.
And I'm not the only one who feels like this.... because once in a while one of us will post a "OMGIMNOTLOSINGFASTENOUGHWHATSWRONGWITHME?!!?!" type of post.
I am just over 3 months post op. 14 weeks exactly. I'm down 60 lbs. Thats over 4lbs a week. ... 60 POUNDS IN 3 MONTHS. It took me over 5 months pre-op to lose the 50 that I had to lose.
60 lbs in 3 months with little to no exercise (i'll be honest! I've been a lazy butt)
so yeah. Thats my perspective. I'm losing and thats all that matters :)
So I did buy a scale: I weighed myself this morning...
I am now down 110lbs. Since December 28th.
I am going to do my best to not weigh myself everyday. Or, if I do end up weighing myself everyday.. . I will only step on the scale ONCE that day. But I'm going to be trying really hard to not make a habit of it.
Fine. I admit it... I have been posting a lot more pictures of myself lately. But .... I'm really excited about them because I can see the weight loss in pictures. I can't see it in the mirror. I can't see it looking at myself. Its almost like I'm having an identity crisis. Its a fight between my eyes and whats actually going on.
I have days where I can see it. Mostly in my face or when I'm staring at my body in the mirror pre or post shower and examining the extra skin situation. I can see that my rolls are disappearing. I've actually lost some rolls.. I know that sounds weird, but fat people know what I'm talking about. You get rolls. I used to count them. I used to refer to them as my other guts. I wish I had taken more pictures of my body before surgery. Like of my actual body, those ones where the pre-op people are in their sports bras and shorts .... just so I can really see how big my physical body was. Like...I know how big I was... I was 346 pounds. But I really don't have a lot of pictures at that weight. because it was embarrassing. Now... I'm not so embarrassed anymore. So sue me. And also.... let me just say this... I've always said MYSELF... that I'm narcissistic and full of myself. So... I'm just sayin. ... I gave everyone fair warning. I make no apologies.
Another thing I'd like to discuss is perspective. Okay. So like I've mentioned before... I'm part of a WLS group on Facebook, and its awesome. Its really nice to have a group of people right at my finger tips that I can bitch, open up, get inpired, have fun with, talk about everything... that have all gone through the same thing I am pretty much at the same times I have. We're all losing awesomely.
But there are sometimes when someone will post that they are about the same as me and down more weight than me. Like... they'll be down 80 and I'm down about 60 since surgery. And its hard for me sometimes because I feel like.. maybe I'm not doing the right thing. Why am I not losing as fast or as much as this person.
And I'm not the only one who feels like this.... because once in a while one of us will post a "OMGIMNOTLOSINGFASTENOUGHWHATSWRONGWITHME?!!?!" type of post.
I am just over 3 months post op. 14 weeks exactly. I'm down 60 lbs. Thats over 4lbs a week. ... 60 POUNDS IN 3 MONTHS. It took me over 5 months pre-op to lose the 50 that I had to lose.
60 lbs in 3 months with little to no exercise (i'll be honest! I've been a lazy butt)
so yeah. Thats my perspective. I'm losing and thats all that matters :)
So I did buy a scale: I weighed myself this morning...
 |
| Bye bye 240s!!!! |
I am going to do my best to not weigh myself everyday. Or, if I do end up weighing myself everyday.. . I will only step on the scale ONCE that day. But I'm going to be trying really hard to not make a habit of it.
 |
| To calm my insanity with my perspective issues... |
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I'm caving....
I'm caving... and buying a scale tomorrow well.. technically today... . Its just time. I've seriously thought long and hard about this... and the not knowing is killing me.
I'm thinking that if I have the scale in the house, the temptation won't be too awful. Kind of like food. Like I've mentioned in posts before... I live with a 10 year old. So there are snacks in the house.... oreos, pringles, the soft squishy delicious soft baked choc. chip cookies from entemanns. You get the picture. So anyway... the temptation is THERE. I just don't do it. So I'm thinking the scale temptation will follow suit.
I did buy a notebook to journal my food. One of the marble ones, its pink. Target had them for 40 cents. Shibby. So I got 4-- 2 pink, 2 yellow. That way I have them and can just keep tracking my food. Should last me a while. I've got two solid days of food down. So as long as I can keep with it... I don't think I'll have a problem. Its nice to be able to see how much and what I'm eating. On paper... I mean... I know what I eat,and when I eat and all of that, but its nice to see things down in lists. I'm big on lists. All sorts of lists. I'm a SUPER huge fan of pros and cons lists as well. Lists just make me happy. I don't know when I became a list person... I think it was sometime around 16... okay.. I'm rambling.
So yes. I'm buying a scale. I'll post pictures tomorrow. Well, later. You know what I mean. I actually have a few pictures to post...not just about the scale. Oh so much to do later. I really need some sleep, but I'm not one bit tired.
I didn't do a damn thing today. Twas a very lazy Sunday. Quite enjoyable though today. The only time I moved from the couch was to pee or eat. Lazy ass. My Monday (later) will be eventful though. I have some cleaning to do, and shopping (for the scale!) and a coffee date planned with my lovely friend Lauren, who I call Life Condom--- (she's always there when life gets hard and rough and keeps me away from sticky situations...I know... I'm one sick BAMF) and that makes me happy :)
Well.. I'm gunna watch some more Dexter... I have a few seasons to catch up on before the new season starts in october :)
and hey! like my new layout?
I'm thinking that if I have the scale in the house, the temptation won't be too awful. Kind of like food. Like I've mentioned in posts before... I live with a 10 year old. So there are snacks in the house.... oreos, pringles, the soft squishy delicious soft baked choc. chip cookies from entemanns. You get the picture. So anyway... the temptation is THERE. I just don't do it. So I'm thinking the scale temptation will follow suit.
I did buy a notebook to journal my food. One of the marble ones, its pink. Target had them for 40 cents. Shibby. So I got 4-- 2 pink, 2 yellow. That way I have them and can just keep tracking my food. Should last me a while. I've got two solid days of food down. So as long as I can keep with it... I don't think I'll have a problem. Its nice to be able to see how much and what I'm eating. On paper... I mean... I know what I eat,and when I eat and all of that, but its nice to see things down in lists. I'm big on lists. All sorts of lists. I'm a SUPER huge fan of pros and cons lists as well. Lists just make me happy. I don't know when I became a list person... I think it was sometime around 16... okay.. I'm rambling.
So yes. I'm buying a scale. I'll post pictures tomorrow. Well, later. You know what I mean. I actually have a few pictures to post...not just about the scale. Oh so much to do later. I really need some sleep, but I'm not one bit tired.
I didn't do a damn thing today. Twas a very lazy Sunday. Quite enjoyable though today. The only time I moved from the couch was to pee or eat. Lazy ass. My Monday (later) will be eventful though. I have some cleaning to do, and shopping (for the scale!) and a coffee date planned with my lovely friend Lauren, who I call Life Condom--- (she's always there when life gets hard and rough and keeps me away from sticky situations...I know... I'm one sick BAMF) and that makes me happy :)
Well.. I'm gunna watch some more Dexter... I have a few seasons to catch up on before the new season starts in october :)
and hey! like my new layout?
Friday, August 19, 2011
i can has a mulligan? To scale or not to scale?
So this past week and a half has been a rough-ish one. As some of you know, I broke my toe last week. I don't even have an awesome story about it. I passed out at my krav maga class due to dehydration and when I went down... I must have hit my toe on the wall because when I came too... my toe hurt. So I went to the urgent care place nearby, and low and behold... I broke it.
4-6 weeks healing time. Stupid. Toe. So. Anyway.... with this stupid broken toe, I really can't do much. A little bump in the road. Whatever.
At least I say that now. I've done nothing the entire week in terms of exercising. I've been feeling rather blue lately. I'm not quite sure what it is. Partly the toe, partly the retarded gloomy weather for half a day every day. Not quite sure, but thats what I'm chalking it up too. So I've pretty much spent the past week and a half either laying in bed or sitting in my pjs watching Disney movies, or scary movies, or romcoms.
If someone showed up at my house, they might think I was suffering after a break up. Thats the type of pathetic I was.
So with that... came the (craving of...) BOREDOM EATING!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!!!!
Okay. Well, I really didn't eat anything out of boredom. I think I had like... a Popsicle and then like a cheesestick one or two days. Its not like I binged on anything. Honestly. I swear.
But this is what scares me. The boredom eating. The thought of boredom eating scares me. This ties in to my last post where I spoke of my relationship with food. It just sucks. I'm still having a hard time eating every couple of days and its just strange how much of a disinterest in food I have now that I have to eat to live instead of living to eat. Except for when I'm bored. When I'm bored or just sitting watching TV... all I think about is food. I swear its like a subliminal message thing from the television.
If I'm sitting watching TV... I swear I will get up to stare at the stuff in the pantry or fridge and literally have to talk myself out of it. I mean, I always do. Or I grab something WLS friendly. I try not too though.
I was reading my older entries, from when I first started this journey, and I was SOOOOO good at documenting everything and planning out my foods... and I think I'm going to start doing that again.
Thats where my mulligan comes into effect.
I'm going to document everything I put into my mouth. Calories, Proteins, Fats, Carbs. And I'm also going to be like a 5 year old and use stickers for the vitamins. I know it sounds corny, but think about how awesome stickers made you feel when you were a kid. Right?! Yeah.. I got the warm and fuzzies too. It just happens. Stickers make the world go 'round. I'm sure if someone gave Osama Bin Laden or Hitler or Mussolini some stickers when they were kids... they might not have been so cranky as adults. Who knows?
So yeah. Documentation. Like I learned in MA... documentation is key. Its so important to document everything. And it will hold me accountable. That way I can always look back and be like..."oh... *thats* why I didn't lose that week.
I'm also kicking around the idea of a scale. I'm on the fence about it. I currently don't have one by my own personal choice. I don't want to obsess over it. And now I don't know if I will anymore... . But also not knowing my weights are also killing me. I want to be a normal once-a-week-weigher. a OAWW if you will.
So I'll leave with this:
How many of you, WLS-ers or not... have scales? How many of you weigh yourselves? How often?
4-6 weeks healing time. Stupid. Toe. So. Anyway.... with this stupid broken toe, I really can't do much. A little bump in the road. Whatever.
At least I say that now. I've done nothing the entire week in terms of exercising. I've been feeling rather blue lately. I'm not quite sure what it is. Partly the toe, partly the retarded gloomy weather for half a day every day. Not quite sure, but thats what I'm chalking it up too. So I've pretty much spent the past week and a half either laying in bed or sitting in my pjs watching Disney movies, or scary movies, or romcoms.
If someone showed up at my house, they might think I was suffering after a break up. Thats the type of pathetic I was.
So with that... came the (craving of...) BOREDOM EATING!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!!!!
Okay. Well, I really didn't eat anything out of boredom. I think I had like... a Popsicle and then like a cheesestick one or two days. Its not like I binged on anything. Honestly. I swear.
But this is what scares me. The boredom eating. The thought of boredom eating scares me. This ties in to my last post where I spoke of my relationship with food. It just sucks. I'm still having a hard time eating every couple of days and its just strange how much of a disinterest in food I have now that I have to eat to live instead of living to eat. Except for when I'm bored. When I'm bored or just sitting watching TV... all I think about is food. I swear its like a subliminal message thing from the television.
If I'm sitting watching TV... I swear I will get up to stare at the stuff in the pantry or fridge and literally have to talk myself out of it. I mean, I always do. Or I grab something WLS friendly. I try not too though.
I was reading my older entries, from when I first started this journey, and I was SOOOOO good at documenting everything and planning out my foods... and I think I'm going to start doing that again.
Thats where my mulligan comes into effect.
I'm going to document everything I put into my mouth. Calories, Proteins, Fats, Carbs. And I'm also going to be like a 5 year old and use stickers for the vitamins. I know it sounds corny, but think about how awesome stickers made you feel when you were a kid. Right?! Yeah.. I got the warm and fuzzies too. It just happens. Stickers make the world go 'round. I'm sure if someone gave Osama Bin Laden or Hitler or Mussolini some stickers when they were kids... they might not have been so cranky as adults. Who knows?
So yeah. Documentation. Like I learned in MA... documentation is key. Its so important to document everything. And it will hold me accountable. That way I can always look back and be like..."oh... *thats* why I didn't lose that week.
I'm also kicking around the idea of a scale. I'm on the fence about it. I currently don't have one by my own personal choice. I don't want to obsess over it. And now I don't know if I will anymore... . But also not knowing my weights are also killing me. I want to be a normal once-a-week-weigher. a OAWW if you will.
So I'll leave with this:
How many of you, WLS-ers or not... have scales? How many of you weigh yourselves? How often?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The alleged "easy way out"
**DISCLAIMER!! EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OPINIONS... THIS IS MINE**.
... i mean.. everyone knows I love a good debate ;)
Alright. This is going to be my response to a blog that was recently brought to my attention. I am part of a WLS group on Facebook that is filled with amazing girls (and 2 boys!) from all over the country who all have had or are about to have some sort of WLS. (WLS= Weight Loss Surgery). Recently one of them shared a link to a blog post that you can read here.
So. Okay. I'm going to Quentin Tarantino this and start at the end and work my way back to the top. First of all... I do take personal offense to this because I am one of these "self-indulgent, overweight, spineless jellyfish" because accused of "taking the easy way out".
While I take a lot of pride in my choice of having WLS, it took me FIVE years to really make the decision. I had been able to lose weight on my own. Hell, in 2007-2008 I lost 70+ pounds just from exercising and eating right and seeing a nutritionist. It was hard as hell, but I did it without surgery. Even before my surgery, I had to lose the 50lbs so my surgeon could do the surgery safely, and I did that in less than 6 months.
Let me preface what I'm about to say with this:
1. I LOVE my RNY. It was the best decision I ever made and I am PROUD to say that I took my life into my own hands and I saved my own life.
2. I have ALWAYS been proud of my body and who I was regardless of my weight because I'm just a pretty kickass person. (see... full of myself ;) )
... with that said... It took me MONTHS to admit to my friends that I want to have this. I had my decision made for months before I decided to tell my friends. Why you ask?
IT WAS EMBARRASSING!! I can't believe I had eaten myself to 346 pounds and let my bad terrible habits get that far off course. I could be as confident as I wanted. I was like the guy with the tiny penis who overcompensates with the giant house or big truck. I was ashamed I had let myself get up that high on the scale and it made me sick.
So telling my friends... and then making it totally public between telling everyone who would stand still long enough, or writing a blog about it... was a big deal for me. And I have only gotten a handful of negative or not so supportive comments regarding it. Everyone else was super proud of me and that helped me be proud of me.
So thats first off.
Okay. Well hats off to you for losing the 80lbs, my fellow yo-yo dieter. Mazel tov. However.. you failed to mention if it stayed off once you go back to eating a normal, healthy 1200 calorie diet. Thats the hardest part... maintaining your weight loss. Whether it was with WLS or without.
After you diet a certain way for a few months, or even just a few weeks... and you had kickass results with it... your body eventually catches up with you and you will plateau. Or hit a stall. Its frustrating. It sucks. And its because you're DIETING. Not changing your lifestyle.
After years ... YEARS... of being on crash diets, battling eating disorders like anorexia(NOS) and bulimia(NOS), and having such issues with food like I did... I realized that 'diet' (as a verb) is LITERALLY a four letter word. Diets don't work. Crash diets don't work. Not for long term results anyway.
If you want to see changes in your body and on the scale... you need to have a lifestyle change. You have to change the way you live your life in order to have a successful weight loss and maintain that weight loss. And to me, WLS was just another tool that helped me change my lifestyle. Like Eggface says... you need to be able to work on your head... The why's of why you got fat... in order to be successful with any type of WLS. Same thing applies just for changing your lifestyle.
I know I didn't get fat JUST because I could eat an entire sleeve of oreos. I know it wasn't just because of the 3 bagels I could eat in one sitting. I got fat because food was a filler for me. Like I've said before.. food and I were besties. Food was filling a void for me. That void was happiness. and sadness. and boredom.
I grew up an only child. I was also a latchkey kid. Now I'm not saying if I had siblings or that if my parents were there to say 'No'... I wouldn't have gotten fat. I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying those are the things that caused those emotions for me that propelled me to find a friend in food.
Getting my WLS was saying a permanent good bye to one of my best friends. I know that sounds pathetic and you might want to commit me to a place that can offer me a nice padded room and a lovey, new fall fashion statement straight jacket... but it was true. Food was one of the best friends I ever had. Little did I really know is that we were really frenemies... but isn't that the case with *any* frenemy really?
OKAY. So this is the statement in the blog in which the author proves he/she knows NOTHING about bariatric surgery.
Like I've mentioned before... my gastric bypass... is a TOOL. Yeah.. my pouch prevents me from binge eating... but it doesn't prevent me from just filling it with oreos or cheese doodles.
I STILL have to make the right decisions of what I'm going to fill it with. Its not like when I stand in front of my pantry and stare at the oreos a hand comes out of my stomach and bitch slaps me away from them. (THAT WOULD BE AWESOME AND TOTALLY AN AWESOME SCI-FI MOVIE THOUGH!) No. There is no hand. There is HOWEVER a little voice.. okay, not so little voice, because its my voice, and I have a loud mouth.. inside my head thats like NO STOP WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING WILL BE RUEENED!
I could eat whatever I want. Is there a possibility things will make me sick? Absolutely. So I don't eat them. I've also made the choice to just cut out breads, rices, pastas and potatoes for the most part...because carbs and I were awesome friends and thats one of the reasons that got me in trouble in the first place. So thats part of my LIFESTYLE CHANGE. Its my CHOICE. I still choose what I put into my pouch. Now.. I just make better choices. And yes. I know I could have just done that in the first place or continued to do what I was doing on my pre-op diet... I still would have lost weight. I'm aware of this. But after so many failed attempts of not losing the weight I wanted to lose, or gaining it back. I wanted something a little more permanent. I needed that tool to help me live my life before I died at age 30 of a heart attack because I had one cheeseburger too many.
And let me tell you something. The eating thing... is not easy. At all. 9 times out of 10, if a person is large enough to have had WLS... they have issues with food. Some sort of issues. And once again... I'll reiterate myself... I went from one extreme relationship with food... to the other. For WLS to be successful, we NEED to get our protein. We NEED to eat. Do you know what its like to sit down and force yourself to eat when your cell phone alarm goes off REMINDING you to eat because the nerves that sends the hunger hormone signals up to your brain have been severed and might not ever grow back.
IT SUCKS!
And lazy? oh bitch please. before I broke my toe (yeah, I did that) I had just started my Krav Maga classes and I was starting the C25K program. I was NOT lazy. Not at all. So bite me, lazy.
Okay.. Well first of all.. that's just rude. Don't be hatin'. That's all I'm saying. Even when people I seriously dislike have lost weight, regardless of how they did it, or how jealous I am, I will always congratulate them... because I know how hard it is. and then yes, maybe I will mutter 'skinny bitch' or something like that because I am a girl, and jealousy will always rear its ugly green head, whatever. I'm human. sue me. But I will ALWAYS congratulate someone on their weight loss. Thats my point. Regardless. (disclaimer: unless I know they're heading to an eating disorder and then I'll be like.. YOU LOOK GREAT AND STOP LOSING WEIGHT RIGHT NOW... because that has happened).
And about the short cuts or the cheating. Well. I'm going to follow suit of the people who have left comments and point out that this person is not taking into consideration of all the shortcuts and cheating ways people take and do everyday without even realizing it.
Sending e-mails. Or even snail mail. Remember the pony express we learned about in school?
Yeah... So when you order stuff online -oh, short cut! now you don't have to even leave your house to order clothes or food or anything... and it gets shipped, or UPSed or FEDEXed to your house....
SHORT CUT! Think about all those poor ponies out of work. And in this economy, sheesh!.
Cars! Are you walking to work? Doubt it. You're driving. Short cut!
And ... Well.. if this author is a professional blogger, they might not even have to leave their house to work.. because of the AWESOME INVENTION OF THE COMPUTER! Another short cut!
Whatever happened to etching things in stone or drawing pictures on the wall to communicate?
Yeah. Thats what I thought. I mean... that guy that carved the 10 commandments into the stone didn't have a pen. Or even a pencil. HE CARVED THAT SHIT! what if he made a spelling error? There's no backspace button when its a CARVING IN STONE!
So, Author... my point is... until you're ready to get rid of ALL of your short cuts... kindly shut up.
Don't write about something you clearly know nothing about.
That would be like me writing a blog about ... peeing standing up. or how to balance a check book. Or being awesome ... oh no. wait. That one I could write about. ;)
Oh. One last thing:
Really now? Kiss my ever shrinking ass.
... i mean.. everyone knows I love a good debate ;)
Alright. This is going to be my response to a blog that was recently brought to my attention. I am part of a WLS group on Facebook that is filled with amazing girls (and 2 boys!) from all over the country who all have had or are about to have some sort of WLS. (WLS= Weight Loss Surgery). Recently one of them shared a link to a blog post that you can read here.
So. Okay. I'm going to Quentin Tarantino this and start at the end and work my way back to the top. First of all... I do take personal offense to this because I am one of these "self-indulgent, overweight, spineless jellyfish" because accused of "taking the easy way out".
While I take a lot of pride in my choice of having WLS, it took me FIVE years to really make the decision. I had been able to lose weight on my own. Hell, in 2007-2008 I lost 70+ pounds just from exercising and eating right and seeing a nutritionist. It was hard as hell, but I did it without surgery. Even before my surgery, I had to lose the 50lbs so my surgeon could do the surgery safely, and I did that in less than 6 months.
Let me preface what I'm about to say with this:
1. I LOVE my RNY. It was the best decision I ever made and I am PROUD to say that I took my life into my own hands and I saved my own life.
2. I have ALWAYS been proud of my body and who I was regardless of my weight because I'm just a pretty kickass person. (see... full of myself ;) )
... with that said... It took me MONTHS to admit to my friends that I want to have this. I had my decision made for months before I decided to tell my friends. Why you ask?
IT WAS EMBARRASSING!! I can't believe I had eaten myself to 346 pounds and let my bad terrible habits get that far off course. I could be as confident as I wanted. I was like the guy with the tiny penis who overcompensates with the giant house or big truck. I was ashamed I had let myself get up that high on the scale and it made me sick.
So telling my friends... and then making it totally public between telling everyone who would stand still long enough, or writing a blog about it... was a big deal for me. And I have only gotten a handful of negative or not so supportive comments regarding it. Everyone else was super proud of me and that helped me be proud of me.
So thats first off.
"My weight has yo-yoed during the years. I've been normal weight, thick, chubby, and obese. When I was at my heaviest, 250 pounds, I did the unthinkable. I cut my calories to less than 500 per day and began exercising two hours daily. Guess what? I also lost weight as if I had a pact with "he who must not be named." (Oh, wait, that's Lord Voldemoort; I mean the other guy.)
It was difficult, especially at first. But every day I -- and my will -- grew stronger. And after three months (in which I lost 80 pounds), I was very, very proud of myself."
- Weight Loss Surgery Is the Easy Way Out
Okay. Well hats off to you for losing the 80lbs, my fellow yo-yo dieter. Mazel tov. However.. you failed to mention if it stayed off once you go back to eating a normal, healthy 1200 calorie diet. Thats the hardest part... maintaining your weight loss. Whether it was with WLS or without.
After you diet a certain way for a few months, or even just a few weeks... and you had kickass results with it... your body eventually catches up with you and you will plateau. Or hit a stall. Its frustrating. It sucks. And its because you're DIETING. Not changing your lifestyle.
After years ... YEARS... of being on crash diets, battling eating disorders like anorexia(NOS) and bulimia(NOS), and having such issues with food like I did... I realized that 'diet' (as a verb) is LITERALLY a four letter word. Diets don't work. Crash diets don't work. Not for long term results anyway.
If you want to see changes in your body and on the scale... you need to have a lifestyle change. You have to change the way you live your life in order to have a successful weight loss and maintain that weight loss. And to me, WLS was just another tool that helped me change my lifestyle. Like Eggface says... you need to be able to work on your head... The why's of why you got fat... in order to be successful with any type of WLS. Same thing applies just for changing your lifestyle.
I know I didn't get fat JUST because I could eat an entire sleeve of oreos. I know it wasn't just because of the 3 bagels I could eat in one sitting. I got fat because food was a filler for me. Like I've said before.. food and I were besties. Food was filling a void for me. That void was happiness. and sadness. and boredom.
I grew up an only child. I was also a latchkey kid. Now I'm not saying if I had siblings or that if my parents were there to say 'No'... I wouldn't have gotten fat. I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying those are the things that caused those emotions for me that propelled me to find a friend in food.
Getting my WLS was saying a permanent good bye to one of my best friends. I know that sounds pathetic and you might want to commit me to a place that can offer me a nice padded room and a lovey, new fall fashion statement straight jacket... but it was true. Food was one of the best friends I ever had. Little did I really know is that we were really frenemies... but isn't that the case with *any* frenemy really?
"How can I be proud of someone who takes the easy route? Someone who decides that having a surgeon cut them open and rearrange or modify their insides is easier than eating less and exercising more? It's just lazy."
- Weight Loss Surgery Is the Easy Way Out
OKAY. So this is the statement in the blog in which the author proves he/she knows NOTHING about bariatric surgery.
Like I've mentioned before... my gastric bypass... is a TOOL. Yeah.. my pouch prevents me from binge eating... but it doesn't prevent me from just filling it with oreos or cheese doodles.
I STILL have to make the right decisions of what I'm going to fill it with. Its not like when I stand in front of my pantry and stare at the oreos a hand comes out of my stomach and bitch slaps me away from them. (THAT WOULD BE AWESOME AND TOTALLY AN AWESOME SCI-FI MOVIE THOUGH!) No. There is no hand. There is HOWEVER a little voice.. okay, not so little voice, because its my voice, and I have a loud mouth.. inside my head thats like NO STOP WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING WILL BE RUEENED!
I could eat whatever I want. Is there a possibility things will make me sick? Absolutely. So I don't eat them. I've also made the choice to just cut out breads, rices, pastas and potatoes for the most part...because carbs and I were awesome friends and thats one of the reasons that got me in trouble in the first place. So thats part of my LIFESTYLE CHANGE. Its my CHOICE. I still choose what I put into my pouch. Now.. I just make better choices. And yes. I know I could have just done that in the first place or continued to do what I was doing on my pre-op diet... I still would have lost weight. I'm aware of this. But after so many failed attempts of not losing the weight I wanted to lose, or gaining it back. I wanted something a little more permanent. I needed that tool to help me live my life before I died at age 30 of a heart attack because I had one cheeseburger too many.
And let me tell you something. The eating thing... is not easy. At all. 9 times out of 10, if a person is large enough to have had WLS... they have issues with food. Some sort of issues. And once again... I'll reiterate myself... I went from one extreme relationship with food... to the other. For WLS to be successful, we NEED to get our protein. We NEED to eat. Do you know what its like to sit down and force yourself to eat when your cell phone alarm goes off REMINDING you to eat because the nerves that sends the hunger hormone signals up to your brain have been severed and might not ever grow back.
IT SUCKS!
And lazy? oh bitch please. before I broke my toe (yeah, I did that) I had just started my Krav Maga classes and I was starting the C25K program. I was NOT lazy. Not at all. So bite me, lazy.
"People applaud their weight loss and congratulate them on how thin they've become and how good they look.
Not I.
I don't like cheating and I don't like short cuts, especially (at least) when it comes to such a big thing (pun totally intended)."- Weight Loss Surgery Is the Easy Way Out
Okay.. Well first of all.. that's just rude. Don't be hatin'. That's all I'm saying. Even when people I seriously dislike have lost weight, regardless of how they did it, or how jealous I am, I will always congratulate them... because I know how hard it is. and then yes, maybe I will mutter 'skinny bitch' or something like that because I am a girl, and jealousy will always rear its ugly green head, whatever. I'm human. sue me. But I will ALWAYS congratulate someone on their weight loss. Thats my point. Regardless. (disclaimer: unless I know they're heading to an eating disorder and then I'll be like.. YOU LOOK GREAT AND STOP LOSING WEIGHT RIGHT NOW... because that has happened).
And about the short cuts or the cheating. Well. I'm going to follow suit of the people who have left comments and point out that this person is not taking into consideration of all the shortcuts and cheating ways people take and do everyday without even realizing it.
Sending e-mails. Or even snail mail. Remember the pony express we learned about in school?
Yeah... So when you order stuff online -oh, short cut! now you don't have to even leave your house to order clothes or food or anything... and it gets shipped, or UPSed or FEDEXed to your house....
SHORT CUT! Think about all those poor ponies out of work. And in this economy, sheesh!.
Cars! Are you walking to work? Doubt it. You're driving. Short cut!
And ... Well.. if this author is a professional blogger, they might not even have to leave their house to work.. because of the AWESOME INVENTION OF THE COMPUTER! Another short cut!
Whatever happened to etching things in stone or drawing pictures on the wall to communicate?
Yeah. Thats what I thought. I mean... that guy that carved the 10 commandments into the stone didn't have a pen. Or even a pencil. HE CARVED THAT SHIT! what if he made a spelling error? There's no backspace button when its a CARVING IN STONE!
So, Author... my point is... until you're ready to get rid of ALL of your short cuts... kindly shut up.
Don't write about something you clearly know nothing about.
That would be like me writing a blog about ... peeing standing up. or how to balance a check book. Or being awesome ... oh no. wait. That one I could write about. ;)
Oh. One last thing:
"And if you're too lazy to cut calories and exercise, you don't deserve to be skinny."
-- Weight Loss Surgery Is the Easy Way Out
Really now? Kiss my ever shrinking ass.
Monday, August 8, 2011
One Hundred (plus two)
I am *officially* down 102 lbs since December 28th, 2011.
Wanna know what 100 lbs looks like??
So yeah. I'm pretty much at my half way mark. I would like to lose at least another 100... if not more. Maybe another 120 tops. I dont want to be rail thin, or look unhealthy. I would just like to have a healthy BMI which means I would have to weigh 120 lbs... which means I would need to lose about another 120lbs.
However... Now that I've hit my first goal, of 100lbs down... I'm going to focus on my next goal.. which is only 44lbs away... ONEDERLAND! for those of you people who are not WLS-language savvy... ONEDERLAND... is this awesome place that those of us who have been 200+lbs.. call any weight under 199. So I am only about 44 lbs away from that which btw..BLOWS MY MIND! because I can't tell you the last time I was under 200... It had to be elementary school. In 8th grade I was like... 240. So I'm the same size I was in 8th grade. Heh. Thats so freakin weird. I wish I had pics of that time period so I can compare. Crazy stuff. The last time I was this small was about 3 years ago and I had lost it on my own, and then I met a guy and gained it all back.
So now... I'm just focusing on myself. If a guy wants to come along and try and be in my life... these are the things he's going to have to be behind in my priorities right now:
Getting in protein
My friends
My vitamins
Krav Maga Classes
Kickboxing Classes
C25K Training
Having fun
Finding a job
If a dude is going to be comfortable being last on that list... fine. But I cannot once again compromise myself and who I am for a man like I did last time ... because I am back to being my own number one.
Anyway... sorry about the guy tangent... Back to me and my weight loss. Yeah yeah... I'm sure I sound pretty narcissistic but I've actually always been that way... and for me... now... I'm exploring a whole new version of myself that I've never really been able to be narcissistic about. I'm down 102 pounds. Thats the size of a 6th grader. I lost a 6th grader. 50 pounds between december 28 2010- may 15 2011... so about 5 months... and then another 52 pounds between may 16 2011 and august 5 2011... about 2.5 months. HOW FREAKIN INSANE??? Sometimes I still really can't believe this is happening!
What about you other WLS-ers? Do you still have those days where you're like... wow... I did this... its actually happening. .... wow....?
Wanna know what 100 lbs looks like??
 |
| 100 lbs of some sort of animal meat... |
 |
| A 100 lb Burger.... |
 | ||||||||
| 100 Pounds of Pure Orange Fat. This is what fat actually looks like. Gross |
 |
| This is also what 100 lbs looks like. |
So yeah. I'm pretty much at my half way mark. I would like to lose at least another 100... if not more. Maybe another 120 tops. I dont want to be rail thin, or look unhealthy. I would just like to have a healthy BMI which means I would have to weigh 120 lbs... which means I would need to lose about another 120lbs.
However... Now that I've hit my first goal, of 100lbs down... I'm going to focus on my next goal.. which is only 44lbs away... ONEDERLAND! for those of you people who are not WLS-language savvy... ONEDERLAND... is this awesome place that those of us who have been 200+lbs.. call any weight under 199. So I am only about 44 lbs away from that which btw..BLOWS MY MIND! because I can't tell you the last time I was under 200... It had to be elementary school. In 8th grade I was like... 240. So I'm the same size I was in 8th grade. Heh. Thats so freakin weird. I wish I had pics of that time period so I can compare. Crazy stuff. The last time I was this small was about 3 years ago and I had lost it on my own, and then I met a guy and gained it all back.
So now... I'm just focusing on myself. If a guy wants to come along and try and be in my life... these are the things he's going to have to be behind in my priorities right now:
Getting in protein
My friends
My vitamins
Krav Maga Classes
Kickboxing Classes
C25K Training
Having fun
Finding a job
If a dude is going to be comfortable being last on that list... fine. But I cannot once again compromise myself and who I am for a man like I did last time ... because I am back to being my own number one.
Anyway... sorry about the guy tangent... Back to me and my weight loss. Yeah yeah... I'm sure I sound pretty narcissistic but I've actually always been that way... and for me... now... I'm exploring a whole new version of myself that I've never really been able to be narcissistic about. I'm down 102 pounds. Thats the size of a 6th grader. I lost a 6th grader. 50 pounds between december 28 2010- may 15 2011... so about 5 months... and then another 52 pounds between may 16 2011 and august 5 2011... about 2.5 months. HOW FREAKIN INSANE??? Sometimes I still really can't believe this is happening!
What about you other WLS-ers? Do you still have those days where you're like... wow... I did this... its actually happening. .... wow....?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
ALMOST FORGOT!!
Shelly, aka Eggface, is having yet ANOTHER one of her amazing giveaways. (seriously, how generous is this chick?!)
you can check it out here!!!
Also follow her on twitter @Eggface
and go like The World According to Eggface on facebook!
Go! now!
you can check it out here!!!
Also follow her on twitter @Eggface
and go like The World According to Eggface on facebook!
Go! now!
oh the things you're about to read!
So... theres SO much stuff floating around in this head of mine, that the hamster on its wheel has no idea even where to start. I like to think of my head to a place that no one really wants to be. See... theres a hamster inside riding around on his wheel and sometimes he has these moments where he goes into overdrive ... very much similar to this little guy seen here. I also refer to it as the hamsters office and he doesn't like file cabinets so there is just a FUCKTON of post-it notes everywhere. And one little purple lamp. So right now I'm trying to sort through the post-its of all the things I wanted to blog about and am trying to make sense of some of the things. This is probably gunna be a long one... so brace yourselves.
So I guess I'll start with food. As you know... I have serious issues with food now and I really just hate eating. I'm getting better with it... but its still really hard. I went from one extreme relationship with food where it was everything to me. Food was my best friend. It always had been. For me to try and pretend that food and I didn't have a love affair for almost 23 years would just be a lie and lying is not okay. Anyway... So yeah.. me and food.. we were tight. Then I went on my pre-op diet to drop the weight I needed to before my surgery... and I developed a more normal, but not quite normal relationship with food where it was more of a "eat to live, not live to eat" thing. Now that I actually HAVE to eat to live... I am never hungry... and throughout the aforementioned pre-op diet... I trained myself to not eat if I wasn't hungry... so I'm sure you can guess where I'm going here. So since I'm not hungry... I don't eat. I've written about this before so everyone should be like yeah, we know. Anyway... Like I said.... I'm getting better when it comes to food. I'm exploring more and Im expanding my pallet. My new favorite thing is Non-fat Greek yogurt (I like Fage and Chobani the best) mixed with PB2. Its defatted, powdered peanut butter. Its awesome and it makes the yogurt even more delicious! And it comes out to be like... Less than 200 calories, like no fat... less than 15 carbs, 5 sugars and 23 grams of protein! Its quite delicious . Seriously. Try it. You'll like it. But yeah... I'm getting better with food and I'm getting in my protein (almost) every day. I'm really trying here.
So food is done. Next is work outs: I started taking Krav Maga and Kickboxing. So far I've only been to two classes, because my schedules a little messed up lately, but I'm trying to get into the swing of things. Krav Maga is super intense and I love it. Its pretty awesome. I can't wait to learn more and to build up strength and really get into it. I am also planning to start doing the C25K program with the help and support of two of my WLS blogger friends, Sam and Christina who are awesome and have awesome blogs and you should read them because I said so.
Which leads me to my next topic: friends and support.
97% of my "real life" friends... have been incredibly supportive. And my WLS friends I've made through the interwebs... I love each and everyone of you <3 Fo' Reelz. But seriously... So supportive.. all of you. Like.. So unbelievably supportive it makes me want to cry and hug every single one of you little pretty cupcake ponies. (what, I get my nicknaming skills from Jenna Marbles ... youtube her. You'll piss your pants laughing)
2% of my friends I still dont think have realized that I had RNY and are just clueless.
And 1% of you I'm ready to dump because you're being that fact catty supportive and the backhanded comments and the competing and the bullshit needs to stop. In fact... you probably know who you are, and I've been pretty patient until now... but... its wearing thin and the next backhanded comment I get from any of you or the next time you're just a fuckface and nasty and uncalled for... I'm calling you out on your bs. I didn't do this as a personal attack against you or anything. I did this for ME. For my health. And the fact that you bitches can't be supportive of me changing my life for the better... really hurts.
And now that that is over... I am 1lbs away from being 100lbs down since december! I'm uber excited about this :)
Here are some comparison pictures:
So I guess I'll start with food. As you know... I have serious issues with food now and I really just hate eating. I'm getting better with it... but its still really hard. I went from one extreme relationship with food where it was everything to me. Food was my best friend. It always had been. For me to try and pretend that food and I didn't have a love affair for almost 23 years would just be a lie and lying is not okay. Anyway... So yeah.. me and food.. we were tight. Then I went on my pre-op diet to drop the weight I needed to before my surgery... and I developed a more normal, but not quite normal relationship with food where it was more of a "eat to live, not live to eat" thing. Now that I actually HAVE to eat to live... I am never hungry... and throughout the aforementioned pre-op diet... I trained myself to not eat if I wasn't hungry... so I'm sure you can guess where I'm going here. So since I'm not hungry... I don't eat. I've written about this before so everyone should be like yeah, we know. Anyway... Like I said.... I'm getting better when it comes to food. I'm exploring more and Im expanding my pallet. My new favorite thing is Non-fat Greek yogurt (I like Fage and Chobani the best) mixed with PB2. Its defatted, powdered peanut butter. Its awesome and it makes the yogurt even more delicious! And it comes out to be like... Less than 200 calories, like no fat... less than 15 carbs, 5 sugars and 23 grams of protein! Its quite delicious . Seriously. Try it. You'll like it. But yeah... I'm getting better with food and I'm getting in my protein (almost) every day. I'm really trying here.
So food is done. Next is work outs: I started taking Krav Maga and Kickboxing. So far I've only been to two classes, because my schedules a little messed up lately, but I'm trying to get into the swing of things. Krav Maga is super intense and I love it. Its pretty awesome. I can't wait to learn more and to build up strength and really get into it. I am also planning to start doing the C25K program with the help and support of two of my WLS blogger friends, Sam and Christina who are awesome and have awesome blogs and you should read them because I said so.
Which leads me to my next topic: friends and support.
97% of my "real life" friends... have been incredibly supportive. And my WLS friends I've made through the interwebs... I love each and everyone of you <3 Fo' Reelz. But seriously... So supportive.. all of you. Like.. So unbelievably supportive it makes me want to cry and hug every single one of you little pretty cupcake ponies. (what, I get my nicknaming skills from Jenna Marbles ... youtube her. You'll piss your pants laughing)
2% of my friends I still dont think have realized that I had RNY and are just clueless.
And 1% of you I'm ready to dump because you're being that fact catty supportive and the backhanded comments and the competing and the bullshit needs to stop. In fact... you probably know who you are, and I've been pretty patient until now... but... its wearing thin and the next backhanded comment I get from any of you or the next time you're just a fuckface and nasty and uncalled for... I'm calling you out on your bs. I didn't do this as a personal attack against you or anything. I did this for ME. For my health. And the fact that you bitches can't be supportive of me changing my life for the better... really hurts.
And now that that is over... I am 1lbs away from being 100lbs down since december! I'm uber excited about this :)
Here are some comparison pictures:
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