The other shoe...

Before I get into the topic of "the other shoe" ....  I'll do my weekly weigh in first :)  This is weekly weigh in #4

So... I somehow managed to lose 6 pounds this week.  I have no idea what I did differently (because truth is that nothing was actually different).  But... I lost 6 pounds.

That puts my totals at:
83# down since surgery 5/16/11
131# down since December 2010 (my heighest weight)

I cannot believe how close I am to onderland :)  16 lbs.  insane.  in theory I can be there in like... 1 month.  I'm going to try to not think about it though because when I think about things... I screw it up.  I get way into my head about things and over analyze things and just muck it all up.




Lately... I've been trying to take life like.. an hour at a time.  Which leads me to my "the other shoe" topic.

In reference to the other shoe situations... the phrase is usually "waiting for the other shoe to drop" ...like theres an anticipation of something happening.  Most of the time... at least when I use this phrase... its not typically a good situation. I typically use this phrase when things in my life are going phenomenally well ... and its almost too good to be true.

Its like waiting for a bomb.  When the other shoe drops... the bomb sets off.  So I've been having a feeling for a few weeks that something was going to happen... and I was recently having this conversation with nicole (like.. last tuesday) and I was saying that I feel like my life is going really well and I was nervous about it because when ever things are awesome... the shoe drops and something catastrophic usually happens.  On Thursday... I called my mom to chat, and she told me she was laid off from her job that she's been with for about 21-22 years.  She was devastated, obviously, and I feel awful for her. 

So.. while this shoe drop isn't directly about me... it does affect me. (effect me?.... I never know which to use...) So.. does this mean I'm safe from my own shoe dropping situation... or is something serious going to happen to my life directly?  Do other people think about this?

Well... anyway... so my mother lost her job ... which for her wasnt just a job. It was her career, her livelihood... she LOVED what she did .  Her main concern?  The health insurance.  Mainly for me.  Because I have to have my follow ups and labs done and all of that. 

So I called my surgeons office up, and I explained the situation and they told me not to worry.  They'll take care of everything for me. 

Being able to call them, crying, because I'm upset for my mom, and now nervous about whats going to happen... and having them tell me everything is okay and not to worry ... and assured me that my care will not stop and not be jeopardized... just meant the world to me. 

I think it is so incredibly important to have support system in your surgeon and the support groups.  Plus, in my surgeons office... almost all of his staff have been his patients, so they are empathetic (thanks arwen) to the situation and can relate. 

Being one of the youngest people at my support group also... I've gained like... 15 moms. Which is incredible, because .... they just take you under their wing.  No questions asked.  No gimmicks.  I totally look forward to the 2nd and 4th tuesday of every month for these meetings <3


Speaking of support...  (and this is kind of like last week's blog) ... I have friends that I havent seen in years... and I saw them this past weekend... and they kept telling me how proud they are of me and how happy they are for me... and it just means so much.  and I love them dearly and I'm so glad I got to see them and catch up <3

Sorry this blog was kind of all over the place... the trains of thoughts just kept coming into the station :)

When you least expect it.... (lots of pictures :D)

First I'll do my weekly weigh in :) ... After talking to nutrition about my carb problem she said to start off slow and add a fruit or a veggie to one or two meals a day.  Then keep adding a fruit or a veg to each meal and slowly but surely, I'll be getting in what she wants.  I'm at about one or two meals a day.  I'm trying to do one fruit and one veg a day.  I'm working on it.

Today I weighed in at :

So I'm right on track with what my surgeon and nutritionist want with the 2lb a week weight loss (even though I'd like to be losing more a week... this is where they want me at).

This puts my loss at a grand total of : 125lbs.  And my Since Surgery total:  77lbs :)

125 pounds.   I've lost... 

One Maggie Gyllenhall

OR...

One Taylor Swift

(Celebrity weights courtesy of : http://www.howmuchdotheyweigh.com/)

Losing the inches and inching closer to goal :)


So... I'd just like to talk about support from people where I least expected it.  Clearly... I'm extremely open about my surgery.  I've said this many times, and I'll say it again... as long as someone will stand still long enough to let me tell them about it... I will.

So I have told perfect strangers about it.  Like when I went pumpkin picking and wine tasting with Steph, Lesli and Erin this weekend.  I clearly am not drinking.  So when we were at one of the wineries... and one of their friends who works there (Steph and Lesli go often so they make friends lol , love you guys) asked why I can't drink, originally thinking it was because I was underage- since Lesli said "Oh the little one can't drink" lol... So I explained that I recently had gastric bypass and she got all excited for me and kept congratulating me. 

I get this a lot from the strangers I tell... but I can who is just saying it to say it... or those who have a genuine sense of happiness for me, even without knowing me.  This woman was genuinely happy for me.  Her face when I showed her one of my before and afters was awesome.

Its moments like that... that wipe away all the negativity that I've gotten from the surgery.

 So... my bottom line is... ts just really nice to have support from people who don't even know you, when certain friends or family may have let you down, or hurt you regarding the surgery. 

Now please enjoy some pics from my unexpected day at the beach with Megan in october when it was 85 degrees...

Our picnic lunch :)

MeggyMoo and I <3

The super awesome sand castle all the naked people built on the naked beach

Fire Island Light House :)

We're adorable

I've lived 20 minutes from this all my life, and have never gone to the top.  New goal? I think so:)

Sunset in the traffic <3

Sunset over the bridge

A little NSV... being able to sit cross-legged in Megan's front seat and not feel squished :)

Anddddd here are some pics from my first time carving a pumpkin :)

We're funny :)

NSV!!!! and giveaways!!

So yesterday I had a new NSV happen... I fit into a size 18 jean from old navy!

Speaking of jeans... lets talk about how places change their sizes.  Because Nicole had given me two pairs of jeans from old navy.  Both marked size 14.   One was SIGNIFICANTLY larger than the other.  So much so that the larger pair fits me perfectly.  Like the 18s I have on in the picture.  The other 14s I can barely get up my thigh.  So either they are mismarked... like WHOA... or Old Navy (like other stores) 'switch' sizes as the years go on.  The question is... which way are they going?  Are they making bigger sizes smaller? Or smaller sizes bigger? 

Regardless... I'm super happy with my  decision because I'm super excited about life now and I still can't believe I'm going to be getting smaller.  While talking with my nutritionist the other day  I had said I'm only like... 80-90 lbs away from goal.  And she looked at me with a crooked face and asked me what my goal was... I said between 130-140. Thats where Dr. K said I could most likely get down to.  She was like... I'd even go as high as one 150.  So everyone has different goals for me.  I'll take somewhere in the middle... like 135-145. lol.  Regardless... I'm more than half way towards my goal already!  SOOOO CRAZY!



Now... anyone who knows anything about WLS ... especially RNY... knows the importance of vitamins.  Vitamins are *key* in a healthy post-op life :)  With that said... Eggface is doing an amazing giveaway to make sure we all stay healthy!

She is giving away a Celebrate vitamins gift basket loaded with TONS of goodies and new products! 

Everyone go check out her blog and enter her contest!!! 

Weekly weigh in...

So... here is my weekly weigh in for week #2 of *official* weigh ins

Last week I weighed in at 227.

This week I am ... 

Thats 4 lbs in a week :)   Bringing my grand total to 123lbs.  My total since surgery (20 weeks ago) is 75 lbs.

Once again... INFREAKINGSANE!

So thats that.

Now... here are some foods that I've been playing with and what not.  I've been seriously cravin' the bacon.

So... I got the precooked bacon.  Making bacon to me ... is a pain the ass.  and its ALWAYS too greasy no matter how many paper towels I lay them on.  So I get the precooked stuff 'cause it makes my life easier and I can get my super crispy bacon without burning it.  Win all around :)

Serving size is 4 slices.  I use 2.  Thats all I really need.

Nutritional info for 2 slices (1/2 a serving)
Cal: 35
Fat: 3g
Carbs: 0
Protein: 2.5

So this has been a staple in my diet the past few days....  I'm not sure if its just because I want new things or because I want the salt... who knows.  But I want bacon.

With bacon I've made a WLS friend Turkery Bacon Cheeseburger (Yes, WLSers... we can haz a cheezburger)

4 ounces of seasoned (to your liking) ground turkey meat... 93/7.  1/3 cup of the WW mexican blend shredded cheese (i'm not a cheese snob.  I  LOVE cheese and I wouldn't lose a pound if I ate regular cheese at the rate at which I eat cheese and I LOVE the way the WW cheeses taste) topped with two slices of bacon.  (the 4 ounces of meat worked out to be a 3 oz burger depending on how you cook it)


Nutritional info (for the whole 3oz burger with cheese and bacon)
Cal: 228
Fat: 14
Carbs: 0
Protein: 29

The second thing I made is ... pretty much the exact same thing but with chicken.

I use the Perdue perfect chicken breasts  (this one was italian style).  A few minutes of George foreman...  melt the cheese on top in the microwave ... add the bacon... voila! you have Outback's Alice Springs Chicken (minus the mushrooms)

Nutrition info:
Cal: 255
Fat: 9.5
Carbs: 2
Protein: 35.5






Now... I'm sure you're all wondering.. where's the veggies?  well.. I have a problem with veggies.  I always get so full on my protein dishes... that I can never factor in the veggie, or... complex carbs. 


I'm seeing nutrition tomorrow regarding this because I *know* I need to work in complex carbs somehow... but I need suggestions and what not.  Its really hard eating a balanced diet when you're SO focused on the protein.  

And also... when you have an irrational fear of food like I have been dealing with.  So yeah... thats that.  I'll keep you posted with that...

Yeah.  I just bought that mirror in the picture on the right.. and it broke while I was trying to get it into my car.  What do you expect from a mirror that was 5 bucks at target?  




I feel like since I lost weight... I *look* longer.  I know I'm not taller... but I feel like I look like I look taller. 


I also never thought I've ever wear a dress that short with over the knee riding boots.  I LOVE those boots.  SUPER comfy. 




To quote myself from support group last tuesday...

"I've always been confident. At 346 pounds I thought I was the shit. And now ... I still think im the shit. You don't like it. Tough" 


I LOVE myself SO much more than I used to.  I no longer think so little of myself.  I know what I'm capable of and what I deserve and I deserve SO much more than I've settled for in the past.  I haven't been this happy in YEARS.  


And I'm just awesome.  And I will continue to tell myself that and not give a damn about anyone whose gunna hate.

Weekly Weigh In ... with a side of ranting...topped with love

So... I decided every monday I'm going to do a weekly weigh in. I figure it will keep me held accountable for everything and ensure that I blog at least once a week.  I find that blogging helps ME.  I could really give a crap if other people read this, but writing everything down and getting it out of my head really helps me. 

 So my plan is every Monday morning, after going to the bathroom but before I eat... I am going to weigh myself and take a picture and share it on my blog and talk about it and all that nonsense. 

So here is my weigh in for today, 9/26/2011-- 19 weeks post op ( I kinda wish I started doing this in the beginning, but... hindsights always 20/20) 

 227lbs.  December 28th 2010, I weighed 346 lbs.  On the date of my surgery I weighed 298lbs. 

Thats a total loss of 119lbs.  Since surgery... 19 weeks ago... I lost 71 pounds.  Seventy-One pounds... in 19 weeks.  Thats insane.  That equals out to an almost 4 lbs a week loss rate.  Freakin insane!  I'm like... 97 lbs away from goal.  freaking crazy.

So thats that. 

So.. lately I've been having a kind of hard time dealing with some of the changes post-op.  I'm still dealing with the loss of my best friend, Food and I'm having a hard time breaking up with my fat. Its like when a kid loses their favorite blankie.  My fat is my security blanket... I've already talked about this. All I've ever been is the fat funny girl.  Being a fat girl is what developed my personality and made me who I am today.  I was funny so people would laugh WITH me as opposed to AT me... I was the smart kid because my homework would never make fun of me.  Don't get me wrong... I had friends... lots of them... but when it came down to it... I really didn't have play dates or do things with all my friends because they were always part of a sports team.  Yeah.. I was a baton twirler and I did dance for years...   but I was still fat.  I was always the fattest kid in the room.  Always.  I over compensated.

So ... now I'm trying to figure out who I am.  Or who I want to be.  And throughout this process... I've lost friends... family members... but... I knew that was going to happen.   I didn't think I would get so twisted about everything... but I did. 

And now... fuck it.  I don't care if people hate me now. I don't care if you think I'm becoming narcissistic (which... by the way, I ALWAYS claimed to be one so... I dont understand what the problem is now). I don't care if you get mad at me if I don't stop people from commenting on how great I look or when they ask me about my surgery. 

I'm damn proud of everything I've done and I'm sure as hell not going to let anyone take that away from me. I'm at a point in my life where I'm allowed to be selfish.  Dont you DARE try to take that away from me.  You don't like it? Don't talk to me then.  At this point I really don't care.  I'm putting MYSELF first.   I have always done what people told me to do.  I always would put myself way down on that list.  I can NO longer worry about who wants to be in life and who doesnt.  I don't care about what people think of me anymore.  If you don't like this new version of me... then leave! Clearly then... you're not a real friend of mine if you can't accept me for who I am and always have been.  

Yes. Do I look in the mirror more now? Absolutely... because I can't believe this is actually happening.  Do I ask how I look in clothes more now? Yeah.. because I don't have to limit myself to just fat girl clothes from one of three stores I was able to shop at and now I can fit into mainstream clothing stores like Old Navy (and not even their largest size, thank you very much) and I'm trying to find my own personal style. 

If that makes me a terrible person.  Or if talking to someone who asks about my surgery bothers you... or whatever... I don't care.  I'm not gonna let it grind my gears anymore. 

... Now onto the love part:

My Aunt Laureen was in town this weekend for a funeral.. and I havent seen her since I was 16.  She was one of my moms best friends back in the day and I used to spend a lot of time with her and she is definitely someone who helped mold me.  She was always so much fun to be around and she used to teach me the most random things. ... Like sign language, or how to drive with my knees (I don't do this) or apply mascara while driving (okay, guilty) ... and she was always there until she moved out to Arizona back in like... 95.

My mom and her didn't always keep in touch, but a few years ago I found her on facebook and her and I have stayed in touch.  So when she had posted about her aunt's funeral and that she was going to be in NY for the weekend... I texted her and demanded to see her just so I can give her a big hug because I've missed her so much.

So she had a small availability yesterday morning, so after babysitting I drove out to see her.  It was so nice to see her and talk and catch up and we were able to pick up like we saw each other last week as opposed to like, 7 years ago.  (holy crap I can't believe my sweet 16 was 7 years ago... wow).  I love her so much <3

But... it got me thinking about my friendships with my best friends.  Like.. my core group of girls.  My ride or die.  My insides... my family...  Joanna, Nicole, Joanne, Liz, Ashley, Life Condom, Lauren Rae and Megan.   Like... those girls are my go to girls.  Like... all the time.  Those are my bitches <3 

And I don't want to lose contact with those girls.  Or any of my friends really.. but particularly those girls. I dont want it to be every few years that I see my friends kids. I don't want it to be that we only see each other on weddings or bridal showers or baby showers.   Thats not going to be okay for me.  My friends have always been my family and those girls are my insides.  like.... I couldn't imagine life without them. 

So my point is... no matter where we end up. Or however many states are between us or babies or whatever... I'm never going to stop annoying you bitches cause I loves ya too damn much <3

and it´s good
good to be back home
how I missed this time zone
oh...strangers they´re exciting
their mystery never ends
but there's nothing like looking at your own history
in the faces of your friends

Just sayin <3

Back to Basics and back to school.... and a confession

Back to basics (or btb) has come up a lot lately in some of the other WLS blogs I read such as Sam's and Christina's blogs.  Also, there is a lot of talk of going back to basics in the WLS group on fb that I belong to.

As I mentioned a few weeks back that I too was going back to basics.  I bought my marble notebooks and started journaling.

I was doing very well for the first couple of weeks.  Then the week my friend's father passed, the tracking of my food fell wayside.  That carried on into this week as well.  So today is the day the journaling and eating my five small meals a day will go back into action.

TODAY!  Because it has to be today.  Because if its not today, it won't ever happen.  and it needs to happen.  I was doing so great with the tracking.  So a week and half is missing, but I already started doing it again today.  I wrote down what I had for breakfast and that I took my vitamins :)

And the reason why I'm going back: Because without tracking, I know i'm not getting in all my water. I'm not getting in all my protein.  I'm not losing.  I'm not.  I've been at 233 for like a week and a half now.  I just want to break out of the 230s so badly.  I'm not freaking out about this however.  I know its going to come off.  I'm just saying I'd like to be out of the 230's.   That's all.

In other news, I'm planning on going back to school hopefully for the winter session, but definitely for january.  Originally I was going to go for nursing so I can work with doctors without borders and travel the world.

I've recently changed my mind.

My gastric bypass obviously had a huge impact on my life.  And so did everyone involved.  So it got me thinking that I'd really like to be involved with bariatric patients in some way.

So I'm going to go back to school for nutrition and psychology.  I'm going to focus on nutrition first, that way I can work as a nutritionist first (hopefully specializing in bariatric patients) and then continue my education with my psychology, so I can become a psychologist who specializes with patients who suffer from eating disorders.

I have mentioned this before, but I've had my battles with eating disorders. Binge eating disorder and bulimia, more so than anything else, but I've also had bouts of starvation.  I still struggle with the "urge to purge" ... but I've kept things down for months now.  I will admit this though... during my pre-op diet there were nights when I did binge and purge. I'm not proud of it and I actually didn't think I would ever admit to it, especially so publicly.

I don't want anyone to worry.  I have not purged since before my surgery. The last time I did it was back in April.  And before that... it had been YEARS.  Like 6 years. But I do battle with it everyday.  That feeling of that type of control is something I work on everyday and thats also part of the reason why I want to specialize in it.  I want to be able to help people... who have walked along the same path as I have and I want to be able to show them that its not that bad, and that things will get better and that they can overcome all of their problems.


Its hard for me to admit this.  I was able to keep this secret pretty quiet for years.  I've randomly mentioned it but I've never gone into full detail with people about it, and I hadn't told anyone about my pre-op binging and purging. I don't think I'll ever tell anyone my full story again... but here's the cliffs note version:

I had started throwing up when I was about 10. I had seen it on a lifetime movie and even though they focused on the dangers of it, and the girl in the movie actually died... I still did it.  Then there was the movie For the Love of Nancy which made me think starvation would have been better.  I had been switching between binging and purging and starvation for about a year and a half. In that year and a half I had lost about 50 lbs and I had been able to maintain it.  Then I started just binge eating.  I would sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and  my weight shot right back up.  So then one night I started with the purging again.  I'm not going to go into full details.. but my adolescence was spent over a toilet or looking up pro-ana or pro-mia sites for tips and tricks and 'thinspiration'.  It was rough, and I did eventually get help on my own through the local eating disorders anonymous chapter.  By that time I had been battling all of my eating disorders for about 6 years.  I kept cycling all of them until I decided to get healthy.  The most difficult aspect of everything during recovery is that my body had been so accustomed to regurgitating once it had food... that I had to learn how to control myself and NOT throw up.  I stopped starving myself and I stopped the purging... But I did continue with the binge eating.  And thats what led me to the path I had been on before having my gastric bypass.  And thats what led me to want to help others like me.... because it doesnt have to be SO bad.

An eating disorder is a serious condition.  If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, please visit National Eating Disorders Association's website and get help.


Please don't leave any comments if they're going to pass some sort of bad judgement on me.  I really don't want to hear it. 

Pringles did not make me happy...

So this has been a pretty rough week.  All the drama with Hurricane Irene (which was dropped to a tropical storm when it hit us) and my best friend lost her father this week. It was a rough week.

Being stuck inside for the weekend with no power and no ability to cook.... kinda sucked.  Luckily our refrigerator stayed cold so I was able to have my cold cut roll ups and tuna fish and that kind of stuff.  And beef jerky... but of course, its when you CANT do something... is when you WANT to do something.  So all I wanted to do was cook the chicken that I've had in my freezer for a week.  Which, btw... I've had power back since monday and I have YET to cook that chicken which now I think I need to toss because it defrosted during the outage.

Then when life happened, and we lost Mr. G, it really was awful. I was hurting for him, I was hurting for my best friend, I was hurting for the family which I had been a part of for the past 6 years. Then life got in the way with my eating.

Pre-op I used to eat all my feelings.  When a friend of mine died senior year, I ate.  Thats how I grieved. I'm Italian.  Thats what we do.  We cook and we eat.  If we're not feeding people, we're not happy. Particularly if things are already kinda shitty.  We think food will make the world better. This time around... it was different.

This time... I was sick all week.  I was nauseated all week.  Every time I cried, I'd end up sucking in so much air that the crying would be interrupted by belches.  I had to force myself even more so to eat just to get my protein in, and some days I didn't get all of it in.  And some days... I didn't eat the right things.  This week I had pringles.

I know that doesnt sound so bad, and in reality it wasn't like how I used to eat the whole giant can of pringles.  We have those little single serving lunch box packs.  I had 3 packs total, over the course of 4 days.  Still not great, but still not the whole can.  I also figured it would satisfy my salt craving (TMI ALERT: because of course, in the midst of all of this, after 8 months of nothing, my period decides to make a visit, which has just pretty much been all pain and no product) and I know I could have had worse things.  But I'm still not proud that I did this.

But it did help me realize something.  I don't have that emotional satisfaction anymore from eating.  The Pringles did NOT make me feel better.  They did NOT satisfy my uterus' demands for salty goodness. It did take 3 packs for me to realize that I WASN"T getting that same satisfaction... but I still realized it.

I no longer have that friend in food.  Food is no longer a replacement for things.  Food is just something I need to have in my life to live.  Pringles won't bring my best friend her father back.

In the past I would have eaten everything under the sun this past week.  I would have probably eaten about 4 pounds of pasta, topped with 9 pounds of cheese.  I would have probably had 8 slices of pizza throughout the week.  A few Butterfingers, probably a pack of double stuffed oreos and a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Plus tons of other carbs.

Its incredible how different things really are post op.  This was a true test of my old habits... and I didn't pass with flying colors... but I definitely know now for next time... pringles won't make me happy.


And now... just to make light of the situation and add in my usual humor since I know this entry isnt as profane and lude as usual...

at the funeral, I had the body of christ. ya know the Eucharist. (or as Dane Cook would call them, 'Crouton o'Christ' or the "Jeezit") ... yeah. that one body of christ killed me.  I wanted to curl up in the confessional and cry even harder.  So much pain. 

But I still ate it out of that good ol' Roman Catholic guilt ;)