Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Security (fat) Blanket

So last night, I was talking with one of the friends I made on the OH forums and she had said how she was afraid she wasn't going to lose the weight she wanted too... or even any at all.  Then we went on to briefly discuss (before I fell asleep... ) how we've both had our fat with us all of our lives and its almost surreal that it is going to be leaving us.

I know it probably sounds weird to most people... but for me... my fat is almost like a security blanket.  Its always been with me.  I got to this point because I needed comfort and food was my friend. Its been with me for about 20 years.  That's a long time.  2 decades.  I still have my (actual) baby blanket from when I was an infant... and I almost feel like getting rid of my fat is getting rid of a HUGE part of me (no pun intended)

And then I realized... I am, in fact, literally, getting rid of a huge part of me.  I'm getting rid of what people have used to defined me and judged me by; The Fat Chick. 

I was never really a girl who hid behind her fat.  I was never shy, I was never quiet because of my fat.  That's simply not my nature.  I've always been a loud, fun-loving, usually obnoxious attention whore.  I learned that people like the funny girl, so I became funny.  I learned that people like smart girls...I became smart.  I trained myself to be these things in order to (hopefully) give people something else to judge and define me by instead of just fat.  I then became the Smart Fat Chick.  or the Funny Fat Chick.  Or the Smart, Funny but Fat Chick. 

When it came time for people to be my friends though... if they didn't like me.  Or didn't want to be my friend... I blamed it on the fat.  It wasn't because I could sometimes be a bitch, or because I say things without thinking and it usually offends people (I tell people this is because I'm too busy talking to think about what I'm actually saying) ...  But they didn't like me because I'm fat.  With guys... same thing.  I was good enough to bang in the backseat.. but I was rarely good enough to take home to mom as the (fat) Girlfriend.  Usually I would just go over and it would be "This is my (fat) friend, Katie.  She's gonna help me study".  Study... yes... because again.. I was the Smart Fat Chick.  But all these guys who were just around for the booty... didn't like me-like me (yeah, we're going back to elementary school terms a la "Do you like me like me? check yes or no") .... I blamed it on the fat.  

So I eventually stopped blaming on the fat... and realized its just different strokes for different folks.  People are going to not like me all the time; because of all different reasons.  I think the main reason is because I'm kind of a bitch.  I admit it.  I'm also selfish, stubborn, occasionally impatient, argumentative, I always think I'm right.. and I have a lot of other fairly awful qualities that would ensure someone to not be my friend. And after my surgery... I think that will all really come out into the light.  

At least that's a real reason as to why someone wouldn't like me.  I dislike plenty of people because they're assholes or bitches.  But I typically don't dislike someone if they're skinny, or tall, or something I'm not.  Sure, do I sometimes say to my friends "fuck you, skinny bitch"  of course. But they're my friends.  Do I envy thin, fit people. YES.  because they have what I've tried so hard to be for such a long time.  And some of them without even trying.  But I'm still friends with them. 

So moral of the ramblings? Fat doesn't define me.  I'm sad I used to let fat define me.  But... I no longer let that happen.  And after the surgery... it won't be there to define me anymore.  it wont be there to comfort me anymore. Its time I come to terms that soon.. I am breaking up with fat.  I'm losing a part of me... but its a part of me that's weighing me down.  (okay, that pun was intended ;) )

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