Its a love hate relationship....

With my body that is.  Lately I've been having some issues mentally with how I look physically.  While I weigh 184 lbs and my body fat percentage is down to about 23%... I still see a girl who weighs a lot more than that.  The hardest part of the surgery is now.  It wasn't the actual surgery.  It wasn't the relearning how to eat.  It wasn't giving up a lot of my favorite foods.  It wasn't changing my lifestyle.  Its now.  Dealing with my body.  Dealing with the body dysmorphia disorder.


I feel AMAZING.  I feel stronger.  I feel *healthy*. But... I'm having a lot of issues looking in the mirror and seeing myself as "thin".  A lot of whats on my body now isn't even fat.  Its skin.  Getting measured today and having Ty do the body fat measurement has definitely helped with that today.  Back in December, when I started going back to the gym...  I was at around 30% body fat... Last month I was at around 26%... Today I was 23% body fat! That's in the "fitness" category!!! This made me so happy an really helped me realize how much of my body is just skin. It doesn't make it completely better... But it certainly helps!!  I don't even know what I was body fat percentage wise at my highest weight of 346lbs.

I am planning on seeking help to talk to someone about the BDD.  Because its becoming a serious problem for me.  I'm constantly obsessing over how I look in what I'm wearing (or not wearing). I'm constantly poking at my body to see what bones I can feel (to make sure I can still feel them) and I also constantly poke at my skin trying to determine if its skin or fat.  The obsessing is getting in the way of how I go about my days.  I've been late to things because I change my outfit because I think I look huge in it.  I watch myself in the mirrors at the gym to see what bounces and how much it moves and I think everyone else is staring at it too. Meanwhile.. I know... LOGICALLY... that no one else is staring at my body at the gym because they're all staring at their body.  And trying not to die during the workout. 


I also think a lot of my freaking out has to do with the fact that I'm like... only 40lbs to goal. .... Since Sept. 26 (almost exactly 5 months ago) I lost 40lbs.  Thats also including my stall for the entire month of November. In October I lost about 13lbs...  In November I only lost 1lb. But then in December I dropped about 12lbs.  Then since 12/29 (when I hit Onederland!) I've lost another 15lbs.  


Sometimes I think I'm not losing fast enough.  Then I put things into perspective like that... and ... its wow.  In 9 months... I've lost 112lbs....  Since December 2010... I've lost 162. Its kinda incredible. 


And I know that's how I have to keep looking at it.  


That I'm incredible.       

Here is what 162lbs gone looks like btw. 








Also!! Before I forget!!!  Ya gotta check out Eggface's blog! She's having another AWESOME giveaway!!!  I really want to win this one so I can try different proteins and WLS friendly snacks!

I'm back baby!!!!

So I've been gone since October.... Apparently. I didn't mean it... I swear. It's just life happens and gets in the way.... Things just happen.

Well. Let me briefly catch you up on the past four months:


Boymanfriend!
Team extreme!!
Stall!
One-derland!!!!
Shopping! (too much, to tell the truth)
Back to college!!
St. Baldricks day!

Okay. So now I'll go into detail of these. You can choose to follow along if you so wish to do so. Basically ... I'm just gonna talk about myself a lot.

Okay. First up...

Boymanfriend. In October I met an awesome guy, named Tom, on POF. We started emailing, and then texting, and then he asked me on a date. It was all downhill from there. And by that... I mean he's incredible and we've been together ever since. We get along famously and he is so supportive of me and my surgery. He also lives an active lifestyle so for the beginning of our relationship, when it was warmer out, we would go on hikes and walks. He definitely encouraged me to go back to the gym, without actually saying it. He's pretty much perfect and I am absolutely crazy about him. He's my unicorn<3

Speaking of the gym.... I am officially back at team extreme :)  It feels so good to be back.  Ty and the boys are still just as amazing and I didnt really realize just how much I missed them and working out until I was back every day. Yeah, I occasionally popped in to say hi, or get my measurements taken... but working out with them is so much fun and it really pushes my limits and it feels so good to things again.  I will say one thing... things are STILL hard to do..... but... I feel GREAT after my workouts.  I can't believe how much more my body can do now at a time and how much things dont hurt so much since I've dropped about 110lbs since the last time I worked out there.  I had Ty do my measurements when about 2 weeks into me going back... and all I remember is that my body fat percentage was about 30-31% .. which.. for women.. is on the high side of the "acceptable" range.  Then I had him re-do my measurements about 4 weeks after that... and my body fat percentage went down to about 25-26%.  In 4 weeks I dropped about 5% body fat.  I've got MUSCLES.  I'm workin on those guns.  Don't worry.. you'll all be invited to the gun show ;)

Sometimes when I'm working out and something is really hard to do... I can't believe how I did this when I was 330lbs.   How my body handled that... I have no idea.  The body is quite incredible, aint it?


So ... aside from Tom being so supportive... the other thing that drove me back to the gym was my stall.  I only lost about a lb from the end of oct-november.  I admit... I was snacking, and not eating the right things... and I wasn't moving.  Or at least I wasn't moving as much as I should have been moving.  So I rebooted my thought process and went back to basics and started moving and then I dropped 12 lbs from end of november to end of december.

Which! Brings me toooooo.....
ONDERLAND!!!!  For those of you non WLS-ers and those WLS-ers not familiar with our jargon... ONDERLAND... is the term we use when we hit 199.9 lbs.  Thats the day we are no longer in the 200s.  My goal was to hit ONDERLAND prior to 2012.  And on December 29, 2011... I weighed in at 199.5 :)  So I did it... I reached the goal I set for myself, with 2 days to spare.  It was the best feeling I ever had.  It was almost better than sex.

Because I am down now a grand total of 157lbs... I have been doing quite a bit of shopping.  Where ever I want.. because now I fit into "mainstream stores".  Like.. I can just go into old navy and pick up a "L" or an "XL" and know it will fit.  Or a size 14 jean from there.  Or I can go into Kohls and shop in the juniors section (true story, I bought two dresses last week.. one was a 13 from the juniors section and one was a L from the juniors section).  Its just amazing.  Another thing I bought related to my WLS is a Magic Bullet Blender.  Its amazing and I now make the most delicious protein shakes EVERRRRRR.

Having the magic bullet makes getting in my protein easier.., which is important because now I'm back in college!!  I made my schedule so I'm only there two days a week.. but i'm there for about 10 hours. If i really wanted to, i could go home on a break I have to sit down at my table and eat... but to save gas money, and time... I pack my lunch and dinner and 2 snacks.  I drink a protein shake on my way there, and work in my lunch and snacks throughout the rest of the day.  I am so happy to be back in school.  Right now I'm just going back to get credits towards my AA in liberal arts.  Then I plan on transferring to Queens College for nutrition and fitness.  If I do well over the semester, I want to apply for september... I may do a second semester at Suffolk though and apply to QC for next January.  I'm so excited I decided to go back though :)

Okay... So here the big one!

ST BALDRICKS DAY!!!

On March 11th, I will be shaving my head to help raise awareness for kids with cancer! I am in need of sponsors!!!   My goal is to raise $200 that will go towards kids with cancer, via St. Baldricks organization.  They will also donate my hair, since its long enough (or at least should be) to go towards making a wig :)

If youre reading this... please... go to

http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/503806/2012 and donate!!

Even a dollar makes a difference!!

And if you can't donate because finances are tight... I understand... but please spread the word!! It will mean so much to me and SOO much to the kids you will help out!!!

and ... I'll be bald!!  :)

So... thats all for now...  when I have time, I'll update and add some pictures to show my progress :) I am going to blog at least once a week.  Thats my goal!!!