Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The other shoe...

Before I get into the topic of "the other shoe" ....  I'll do my weekly weigh in first :)  This is weekly weigh in #4


So... I somehow managed to lose 6 pounds this week.  I have no idea what I did differently (because truth is that nothing was actually different).  But... I lost 6 pounds.

That puts my totals at:
83# down since surgery 5/16/11
131# down since December 2010 (my heighest weight)

I cannot believe how close I am to onderland :)  16 lbs.  insane.  in theory I can be there in like... 1 month.  I'm going to try to not think about it though because when I think about things... I screw it up.  I get way into my head about things and over analyze things and just muck it all up.




Lately... I've been trying to take life like.. an hour at a time.  Which leads me to my "the other shoe" topic.

In reference to the other shoe situations... the phrase is usually "waiting for the other shoe to drop" ...like theres an anticipation of something happening.  Most of the time... at least when I use this phrase... its not typically a good situation. I typically use this phrase when things in my life are going phenomenally well ... and its almost too good to be true.

Its like waiting for a bomb.  When the other shoe drops... the bomb sets off.  So I've been having a feeling for a few weeks that something was going to happen... and I was recently having this conversation with nicole (like.. last tuesday) and I was saying that I feel like my life is going really well and I was nervous about it because when ever things are awesome... the shoe drops and something catastrophic usually happens.  On Thursday... I called my mom to chat, and she told me she was laid off from her job that she's been with for about 21-22 years.  She was devastated, obviously, and I feel awful for her. 

So.. while this shoe drop isn't directly about me... it does affect me. (effect me?.... I never know which to use...) So.. does this mean I'm safe from my own shoe dropping situation... or is something serious going to happen to my life directly?  Do other people think about this?

Well... anyway... so my mother lost her job ... which for her wasnt just a job. It was her career, her livelihood... she LOVED what she did .  Her main concern?  The health insurance.  Mainly for me.  Because I have to have my follow ups and labs done and all of that. 

So I called my surgeons office up, and I explained the situation and they told me not to worry.  They'll take care of everything for me. 

Being able to call them, crying, because I'm upset for my mom, and now nervous about whats going to happen... and having them tell me everything is okay and not to worry ... and assured me that my care will not stop and not be jeopardized... just meant the world to me. 

I think it is so incredibly important to have support system in your surgeon and the support groups.  Plus, in my surgeons office... almost all of his staff have been his patients, so they are empathetic (thanks arwen) to the situation and can relate. 

Being one of the youngest people at my support group also... I've gained like... 15 moms. Which is incredible, because .... they just take you under their wing.  No questions asked.  No gimmicks.  I totally look forward to the 2nd and 4th tuesday of every month for these meetings <3


Speaking of support...  (and this is kind of like last week's blog) ... I have friends that I havent seen in years... and I saw them this past weekend... and they kept telling me how proud they are of me and how happy they are for me... and it just means so much.  and I love them dearly and I'm so glad I got to see them and catch up <3

Sorry this blog was kind of all over the place... the trains of thoughts just kept coming into the station :)

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

When you least expect it.... (lots of pictures :D)

First I'll do my weekly weigh in :) ... After talking to nutrition about my carb problem she said to start off slow and add a fruit or a veggie to one or two meals a day.  Then keep adding a fruit or a veg to each meal and slowly but surely, I'll be getting in what she wants.  I'm at about one or two meals a day.  I'm trying to do one fruit and one veg a day.  I'm working on it.

Today I weighed in at :
So I'm right on track with what my surgeon and nutritionist want with the 2lb a week weight loss (even though I'd like to be losing more a week... this is where they want me at).

This puts my loss at a grand total of : 125lbs.  And my Since Surgery total:  77lbs :)

125 pounds.   I've lost... 

One Maggie Gyllenhall




OR...

One Taylor Swift




(Celebrity weights courtesy of : http://www.howmuchdotheyweigh.com/)

Losing the inches and inching closer to goal :)


So... I'd just like to talk about support from people where I least expected it.  Clearly... I'm extremely open about my surgery.  I've said this many times, and I'll say it again... as long as someone will stand still long enough to let me tell them about it... I will.

So I have told perfect strangers about it.  Like when I went pumpkin picking and wine tasting with Steph, Lesli and Erin this weekend.  I clearly am not drinking.  So when we were at one of the wineries... and one of their friends who works there (Steph and Lesli go often so they make friends lol , love you guys) asked why I can't drink, originally thinking it was because I was underage- since Lesli said "Oh the little one can't drink" lol... So I explained that I recently had gastric bypass and she got all excited for me and kept congratulating me. 

I get this a lot from the strangers I tell... but I can who is just saying it to say it... or those who have a genuine sense of happiness for me, even without knowing me.  This woman was genuinely happy for me.  Her face when I showed her one of my before and afters was awesome.

Its moments like that... that wipe away all the negativity that I've gotten from the surgery.

 So... my bottom line is... ts just really nice to have support from people who don't even know you, when certain friends or family may have let you down, or hurt you regarding the surgery. 

Now please enjoy some pics from my unexpected day at the beach with Megan in october when it was 85 degrees...


Our picnic lunch :)

MeggyMoo and I <3

The super awesome sand castle all the naked people built on the naked beach

Fire Island Light House :)

We're adorable

I've lived 20 minutes from this all my life, and have never gone to the top.  New goal? I think so:)

Sunset in the traffic <3

Sunset over the bridge

A little NSV... being able to sit cross-legged in Megan's front seat and not feel squished :)


Anddddd here are some pics from my first time carving a pumpkin :)










We're funny :)

Friday, October 7, 2011

NSV!!!! and giveaways!!

So yesterday I had a new NSV happen... I fit into a size 18 jean from old navy!

Speaking of jeans... lets talk about how places change their sizes.  Because Nicole had given me two pairs of jeans from old navy.  Both marked size 14.   One was SIGNIFICANTLY larger than the other.  So much so that the larger pair fits me perfectly.  Like the 18s I have on in the picture.  The other 14s I can barely get up my thigh.  So either they are mismarked... like WHOA... or Old Navy (like other stores) 'switch' sizes as the years go on.  The question is... which way are they going?  Are they making bigger sizes smaller? Or smaller sizes bigger? 

Regardless... I'm super happy with my  decision because I'm super excited about life now and I still can't believe I'm going to be getting smaller.  While talking with my nutritionist the other day  I had said I'm only like... 80-90 lbs away from goal.  And she looked at me with a crooked face and asked me what my goal was... I said between 130-140. Thats where Dr. K said I could most likely get down to.  She was like... I'd even go as high as one 150.  So everyone has different goals for me.  I'll take somewhere in the middle... like 135-145. lol.  Regardless... I'm more than half way towards my goal already!  SOOOO CRAZY!



Now... anyone who knows anything about WLS ... especially RNY... knows the importance of vitamins.  Vitamins are *key* in a healthy post-op life :)  With that said... Eggface is doing an amazing giveaway to make sure we all stay healthy!

She is giving away a Celebrate vitamins gift basket loaded with TONS of goodies and new products! 

Everyone go check out her blog and enter her contest!!! 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Weekly weigh in...


So... here is my weekly weigh in for week #2 of *official* weigh ins

Last week I weighed in at 227.

This week I am ... 



Thats 4 lbs in a week :)   Bringing my grand total to 123lbs.  My total since surgery (20 weeks ago) is 75 lbs.

Once again... INFREAKINGSANE!

So thats that.

Now... here are some foods that I've been playing with and what not.  I've been seriously cravin' the bacon.

So... I got the precooked bacon.  Making bacon to me ... is a pain the ass.  and its ALWAYS too greasy no matter how many paper towels I lay them on.  So I get the precooked stuff 'cause it makes my life easier and I can get my super crispy bacon without burning it.  Win all around :)

Serving size is 4 slices.  I use 2.  Thats all I really need.

Nutritional info for 2 slices (1/2 a serving)
Cal: 35
Fat: 3g
Carbs: 0
Protein: 2.5

So this has been a staple in my diet the past few days....  I'm not sure if its just because I want new things or because I want the salt... who knows.  But I want bacon.

With bacon I've made a WLS friend Turkery Bacon Cheeseburger (Yes, WLSers... we can haz a cheezburger)

4 ounces of seasoned (to your liking) ground turkey meat... 93/7.  1/3 cup of the WW mexican blend shredded cheese (i'm not a cheese snob.  I  LOVE cheese and I wouldn't lose a pound if I ate regular cheese at the rate at which I eat cheese and I LOVE the way the WW cheeses taste) topped with two slices of bacon.  (the 4 ounces of meat worked out to be a 3 oz burger depending on how you cook it)


Nutritional info (for the whole 3oz burger with cheese and bacon)
Cal: 228
Fat: 14
Carbs: 0
Protein: 29

The second thing I made is ... pretty much the exact same thing but with chicken.

I use the Perdue perfect chicken breasts  (this one was italian style).  A few minutes of George foreman...  melt the cheese on top in the microwave ... add the bacon... voila! you have Outback's Alice Springs Chicken (minus the mushrooms)

Nutrition info:
Cal: 255
Fat: 9.5
Carbs: 2
Protein: 35.5







Now... I'm sure you're all wondering.. where's the veggies?  well.. I have a problem with veggies.  I always get so full on my protein dishes... that I can never factor in the veggie, or... complex carbs. 


I'm seeing nutrition tomorrow regarding this because I *know* I need to work in complex carbs somehow... but I need suggestions and what not.  Its really hard eating a balanced diet when you're SO focused on the protein.  

And also... when you have an irrational fear of food like I have been dealing with.  So yeah... thats that.  I'll keep you posted with that...



Yeah.  I just bought that mirror in the picture on the right.. and it broke while I was trying to get it into my car.  What do you expect from a mirror that was 5 bucks at target?  




I feel like since I lost weight... I *look* longer.  I know I'm not taller... but I feel like I look like I look taller. 


I also never thought I've ever wear a dress that short with over the knee riding boots.  I LOVE those boots.  SUPER comfy. 




To quote myself from support group last tuesday...

"
I've always been confident. At 346 pounds I thought I was the shit. And now ... I still think im the shit. You don't like it. Tough" 


I LOVE myself SO much more than I used to.  I no longer think so little of myself.  I know what I'm capable of and what I deserve and I deserve SO much more than I've settled for in the past.  I haven't been this happy in YEARS.  


And I'm just awesome.  And I will continue to tell myself that and not give a damn about anyone whose gunna hate.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Weekly Weigh In ... with a side of ranting...topped with love

So... I decided every monday I'm going to do a weekly weigh in. I figure it will keep me held accountable for everything and ensure that I blog at least once a week.  I find that blogging helps ME.  I could really give a crap if other people read this, but writing everything down and getting it out of my head really helps me. 

 So my plan is every Monday morning, after going to the bathroom but before I eat... I am going to weigh myself and take a picture and share it on my blog and talk about it and all that nonsense. 

So here is my weigh in for today, 9/26/2011-- 19 weeks post op ( I kinda wish I started doing this in the beginning, but... hindsights always 20/20) 



 227lbs.  December 28th 2010, I weighed 346 lbs.  On the date of my surgery I weighed 298lbs. 

Thats a total loss of 119lbs.  Since surgery... 19 weeks ago... I lost 71 pounds.  Seventy-One pounds... in 19 weeks.  Thats insane.  That equals out to an almost 4 lbs a week loss rate.  Freakin insane!  I'm like... 97 lbs away from goal.  freaking crazy.

So thats that. 

So.. lately I've been having a kind of hard time dealing with some of the changes post-op.  I'm still dealing with the loss of my best friend, Food and I'm having a hard time breaking up with my fat. Its like when a kid loses their favorite blankie.  My fat is my security blanket... I've already talked about this. All I've ever been is the fat funny girl.  Being a fat girl is what developed my personality and made me who I am today.  I was funny so people would laugh WITH me as opposed to AT me... I was the smart kid because my homework would never make fun of me.  Don't get me wrong... I had friends... lots of them... but when it came down to it... I really didn't have play dates or do things with all my friends because they were always part of a sports team.  Yeah.. I was a baton twirler and I did dance for years...   but I was still fat.  I was always the fattest kid in the room.  Always.  I over compensated.

So ... now I'm trying to figure out who I am.  Or who I want to be.  And throughout this process... I've lost friends... family members... but... I knew that was going to happen.   I didn't think I would get so twisted about everything... but I did. 

And now... fuck it.  I don't care if people hate me now. I don't care if you think I'm becoming narcissistic (which... by the way, I ALWAYS claimed to be one so... I dont understand what the problem is now). I don't care if you get mad at me if I don't stop people from commenting on how great I look or when they ask me about my surgery. 

I'm damn proud of everything I've done and I'm sure as hell not going to let anyone take that away from me. I'm at a point in my life where I'm allowed to be selfish.  Dont you DARE try to take that away from me.  You don't like it? Don't talk to me then.  At this point I really don't care.  I'm putting MYSELF first.   I have always done what people told me to do.  I always would put myself way down on that list.  I can NO longer worry about who wants to be in life and who doesnt.  I don't care about what people think of me anymore.  If you don't like this new version of me... then leave! Clearly then... you're not a real friend of mine if you can't accept me for who I am and always have been.  

Yes. Do I look in the mirror more now? Absolutely... because I can't believe this is actually happening.  Do I ask how I look in clothes more now? Yeah.. because I don't have to limit myself to just fat girl clothes from one of three stores I was able to shop at and now I can fit into mainstream clothing stores like Old Navy (and not even their largest size, thank you very much) and I'm trying to find my own personal style. 

If that makes me a terrible person.  Or if talking to someone who asks about my surgery bothers you... or whatever... I don't care.  I'm not gonna let it grind my gears anymore. 

... Now onto the love part:









My Aunt Laureen was in town this weekend for a funeral.. and I havent seen her since I was 16.  She was one of my moms best friends back in the day and I used to spend a lot of time with her and she is definitely someone who helped mold me.  She was always so much fun to be around and she used to teach me the most random things. ... Like sign language, or how to drive with my knees (I don't do this) or apply mascara while driving (okay, guilty) ... and she was always there until she moved out to Arizona back in like... 95.

My mom and her didn't always keep in touch, but a few years ago I found her on facebook and her and I have stayed in touch.  So when she had posted about her aunt's funeral and that she was going to be in NY for the weekend... I texted her and demanded to see her just so I can give her a big hug because I've missed her so much.

So she had a small availability yesterday morning, so after babysitting I drove out to see her.  It was so nice to see her and talk and catch up and we were able to pick up like we saw each other last week as opposed to like, 7 years ago.  (holy crap I can't believe my sweet 16 was 7 years ago... wow).  I love her so much <3

But... it got me thinking about my friendships with my best friends.  Like.. my core group of girls.  My ride or die.  My insides... my family...  Joanna, Nicole, Joanne, Liz, Ashley, Life Condom, Lauren Rae and Megan.   Like... those girls are my go to girls.  Like... all the time.  Those are my bitches <3 

And I don't want to lose contact with those girls.  Or any of my friends really.. but particularly those girls. I dont want it to be every few years that I see my friends kids. I don't want it to be that we only see each other on weddings or bridal showers or baby showers.   Thats not going to be okay for me.  My friends have always been my family and those girls are my insides.  like.... I couldn't imagine life without them. 

So my point is... no matter where we end up. Or however many states are between us or babies or whatever... I'm never going to stop annoying you bitches cause I loves ya too damn much <3

and it´s good
good to be back home
how I missed this time zone
oh...strangers they´re exciting
their mystery never ends
but there's nothing like looking at your own history
in the faces of your friends


Just sayin <3

Friday, September 9, 2011

Back to Basics and back to school.... and a confession

Back to basics (or btb) has come up a lot lately in some of the other WLS blogs I read such as Sam's and Christina's blogs.  Also, there is a lot of talk of going back to basics in the WLS group on fb that I belong to.

As I mentioned a few weeks back that I too was going back to basics.  I bought my marble notebooks and started journaling.

I was doing very well for the first couple of weeks.  Then the week my friend's father passed, the tracking of my food fell wayside.  That carried on into this week as well.  So today is the day the journaling and eating my five small meals a day will go back into action.

TODAY!  Because it has to be today.  Because if its not today, it won't ever happen.  and it needs to happen.  I was doing so great with the tracking.  So a week and half is missing, but I already started doing it again today.  I wrote down what I had for breakfast and that I took my vitamins :)

And the reason why I'm going back: Because without tracking, I know i'm not getting in all my water. I'm not getting in all my protein.  I'm not losing.  I'm not.  I've been at 233 for like a week and a half now.  I just want to break out of the 230s so badly.  I'm not freaking out about this however.  I know its going to come off.  I'm just saying I'd like to be out of the 230's.   That's all.

In other news, I'm planning on going back to school hopefully for the winter session, but definitely for january.  Originally I was going to go for nursing so I can work with doctors without borders and travel the world.

I've recently changed my mind.

My gastric bypass obviously had a huge impact on my life.  And so did everyone involved.  So it got me thinking that I'd really like to be involved with bariatric patients in some way.

So I'm going to go back to school for nutrition and psychology.  I'm going to focus on nutrition first, that way I can work as a nutritionist first (hopefully specializing in bariatric patients) and then continue my education with my psychology, so I can become a psychologist who specializes with patients who suffer from eating disorders.

I have mentioned this before, but I've had my battles with eating disorders. Binge eating disorder and bulimia, more so than anything else, but I've also had bouts of starvation.  I still struggle with the "urge to purge" ... but I've kept things down for months now.  I will admit this though... during my pre-op diet there were nights when I did binge and purge. I'm not proud of it and I actually didn't think I would ever admit to it, especially so publicly.

I don't want anyone to worry.  I have not purged since before my surgery. The last time I did it was back in April.  And before that... it had been YEARS.  Like 6 years. But I do battle with it everyday.  That feeling of that type of control is something I work on everyday and thats also part of the reason why I want to specialize in it.  I want to be able to help people... who have walked along the same path as I have and I want to be able to show them that its not that bad, and that things will get better and that they can overcome all of their problems.


Its hard for me to admit this.  I was able to keep this secret pretty quiet for years.  I've randomly mentioned it but I've never gone into full detail with people about it, and I hadn't told anyone about my pre-op binging and purging. I don't think I'll ever tell anyone my full story again... but here's the cliffs note version:

I had started throwing up when I was about 10. I had seen it on a lifetime movie and even though they focused on the dangers of it, and the girl in the movie actually died... I still did it.  Then there was the movie For the Love of Nancy which made me think starvation would have been better.  I had been switching between binging and purging and starvation for about a year and a half. In that year and a half I had lost about 50 lbs and I had been able to maintain it.  Then I started just binge eating.  I would sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and  my weight shot right back up.  So then one night I started with the purging again.  I'm not going to go into full details.. but my adolescence was spent over a toilet or looking up pro-ana or pro-mia sites for tips and tricks and 'thinspiration'.  It was rough, and I did eventually get help on my own through the local eating disorders anonymous chapter.  By that time I had been battling all of my eating disorders for about 6 years.  I kept cycling all of them until I decided to get healthy.  The most difficult aspect of everything during recovery is that my body had been so accustomed to regurgitating once it had food... that I had to learn how to control myself and NOT throw up.  I stopped starving myself and I stopped the purging... But I did continue with the binge eating.  And thats what led me to the path I had been on before having my gastric bypass.  And thats what led me to want to help others like me.... because it doesnt have to be SO bad.

An eating disorder is a serious condition.  If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, please visit National Eating Disorders Association's website and get help.


Please don't leave any comments if they're going to pass some sort of bad judgement on me.  I really don't want to hear it. 

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Pringles did not make me happy...

So this has been a pretty rough week.  All the drama with Hurricane Irene (which was dropped to a tropical storm when it hit us) and my best friend lost her father this week. It was a rough week.

Being stuck inside for the weekend with no power and no ability to cook.... kinda sucked.  Luckily our refrigerator stayed cold so I was able to have my cold cut roll ups and tuna fish and that kind of stuff.  And beef jerky... but of course, its when you CANT do something... is when you WANT to do something.  So all I wanted to do was cook the chicken that I've had in my freezer for a week.  Which, btw... I've had power back since monday and I have YET to cook that chicken which now I think I need to toss because it defrosted during the outage.

Then when life happened, and we lost Mr. G, it really was awful. I was hurting for him, I was hurting for my best friend, I was hurting for the family which I had been a part of for the past 6 years. Then life got in the way with my eating.

Pre-op I used to eat all my feelings.  When a friend of mine died senior year, I ate.  Thats how I grieved. I'm Italian.  Thats what we do.  We cook and we eat.  If we're not feeding people, we're not happy. Particularly if things are already kinda shitty.  We think food will make the world better. This time around... it was different.

This time... I was sick all week.  I was nauseated all week.  Every time I cried, I'd end up sucking in so much air that the crying would be interrupted by belches.  I had to force myself even more so to eat just to get my protein in, and some days I didn't get all of it in.  And some days... I didn't eat the right things.  This week I had pringles.

I know that doesnt sound so bad, and in reality it wasn't like how I used to eat the whole giant can of pringles.  We have those little single serving lunch box packs.  I had 3 packs total, over the course of 4 days.  Still not great, but still not the whole can.  I also figured it would satisfy my salt craving (TMI ALERT: because of course, in the midst of all of this, after 8 months of nothing, my period decides to make a visit, which has just pretty much been all pain and no product) and I know I could have had worse things.  But I'm still not proud that I did this.

But it did help me realize something.  I don't have that emotional satisfaction anymore from eating.  The Pringles did NOT make me feel better.  They did NOT satisfy my uterus' demands for salty goodness. It did take 3 packs for me to realize that I WASN"T getting that same satisfaction... but I still realized it.

I no longer have that friend in food.  Food is no longer a replacement for things.  Food is just something I need to have in my life to live.  Pringles won't bring my best friend her father back.

In the past I would have eaten everything under the sun this past week.  I would have probably eaten about 4 pounds of pasta, topped with 9 pounds of cheese.  I would have probably had 8 slices of pizza throughout the week.  A few Butterfingers, probably a pack of double stuffed oreos and a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Plus tons of other carbs.

Its incredible how different things really are post op.  This was a true test of my old habits... and I didn't pass with flying colors... but I definitely know now for next time... pringles won't make me happy.


And now... just to make light of the situation and add in my usual humor since I know this entry isnt as profane and lude as usual...

at the funeral, I had the body of christ. ya know the Eucharist. (or as Dane Cook would call them, 'Crouton o'Christ' or the "Jeezit") ... yeah. that one body of christ killed me.  I wanted to curl up in the confessional and cry even harder.  So much pain. 

But I still ate it out of that good ol' Roman Catholic guilt ;)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Things I'm learning about myself...

So lately I've been pretty ... insightful about my life... mostly in my own head.  And it usually stays in my head because when I take thoughts and try to form them into words or sentences about myself, that are actually.... serious... its hard for me to put them into the proper context and word them the right way.

Though I am only 3 months post-op... I have really changed for (at least what I think) is the better. I am more sure of myself.  I'm SO much happier.  Yes, I still have my days where I just want to lay in bed and do nothing, but everyone has those days.  I'm smiling more... this is something that has been pointed out to me.

Like for instance... The other day I went to my school to pick up my cap and gown (because thats right, I have my medical assistant graduation in a week and a half!) and one of the teachers, who I didn't even have as a teacher, said "You look so beautiful".  I didn't respond because we were all talking in a group, and I thought she was talking to Ms. G, one of my old teachers.  So I just stared blankly and then everyone looked at me... and my response was "oh! me?!" and she was like "Yes! I truly mean it.  And to be that beautiful you had to be beautiful before.  You just look beautiful and happy"

It was probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.  And I never realized how many people are happy for me, and cared about me, and wanted this for me, until I had the surgery.  The fact that people I barely know are telling me things like I'm beautiful and I look so much happier... is incredible.  Its an amazing feeling to know that other people give a damn.

Same thing for my support group and everyone at my drs office.  They are AMAZING.  I love going every other Tuesdays to the support groups. And I love going to the office to meet with Dr. K or the nutritionist. Everyone in that group is inspiring and they have gone through or are currently going through everything I'm going through.  Its so nice to have that type of support.  And they've helped me with so much more than just my RNY related issues.  They are seriously becoming like a second family to me.

Okay, back to the things I've learned about myself...

I'm learning how much more I respect myself now. I have been the girl that gives fat girls a bad name because I would put out just because a guy looked at me. I *knew* logically... that they would never actually date me, but its that fleeting feeling I would get of the "oh they actually want me" when really they just wanted to get their rocks off or because they made a bet with their buddy or whatever. A year ago I would have NEVER admitted I had low-self esteem.... Ever. Because in my head.. I didn't. 20/20 hindsight. Now I know what I'm worth. I'm abstaining from casual random sex with men because I know I'm worth more than a booty call or a fetish or some fantasy that some dude wants to fulfill. But thats all new and fresh and I'm actually having a hard time dealing with it because now I have to completely retrain myself on how I handle male attention. But I'm worth so much more than I ever gave myself credit for (and there were times where I gave myself A LOT of credit) ... Its all in the head. So from now on, I'm going to be following The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger's rules: NO SEX BEFORE MONOGAMY!

I'm learning that I'm actually a happy person.  I'm really not this pessimistic,cranky,bitter New Yorker I always kind of pegged myself to be.  I'm genuinely happy.  I'm not saying I wasn't happy pre-op... because for the most part I was.  I mean.. I had a pretty kick ass life, great friends, good head on my shoulders, and I was pretty cute.  But now, I'm just happy with myself.  The weight loss has really given me a different type of confidence that I didn't think I could have.  Its not faked. Its not the peacock strutting I've done in the past. Its this legitimate form of happiness that comes when I don't have to suck it in to zip of a pair of jeans, or when I can go into old navy and buy clothes *knowing* they'll fit.  Its really awesome. 


I'm learning that people see me as an inspiration.   Its incredibly humbling that people are looking up to me for inspiration/advice/guidance etc.  It was recently said to me at support group and then again today when the nutritionist from my surgeons office called me and asked if I would talk to a patient who had already gone through with the Lap-Band and was possibly considering converting to RNY but had some questions and concerns and was wondering if she could talk to someone around her age who had the surgery, and Nicole, the nutritionist thought of me and called me up and asked if I was willing to talk to her.  Of course I was.  I left her a message and thought long and hard about how I would go about the conversation, and when she called me back later on in the evening, it was like we had known each other for a while and we were able to talk very openly and freely.  I gave her my take on the RNY, and how I think it was the best thing I ever did and what not.  We were on the phone for 3 hours just talking about WLS, and life and everything.  I think she's making the right decision in the choice she made, and I also made a new friend.  But she told me that I helped her so much more than she thought and in a different way than she expected.  She said I just help her make a decision but I helped her change her views and admit certain things and she's really excited to change her ways for the better.  And whats even more amazing... is that these people that I inspire... keep me inspired.  Its awesome.  


I'm learning I'm capable of a lot more I've ever given myself credit for.  I had some serious concerns that I wasn't going to be about to live up to the expectations of my pouch.  I was legitimately scared that I was going to fail.  Sometimes I still have that feeling, but its so fleeting now, that sometimes I don't even pay attention to it.  I really didn't think I'd be okay with this lifestyle, but its amazing to my how something that I used to live my life around... doesn't really matter too much to me anymore.  Food ran my life for 22 years.  Everything I did... revolved around food.  Food controlled me in so many ways.  I lived for food.  ... Not anymore. Its weird how things change and how certain things no longer matter so much.   I thought I would have a hard time being at a bar or around alcohol because I can't drink, and at first... it wasn't so much hard as it was awkward.  I'm not saying I'm a lush, but if I had the cash, I enjoyed imbibing in a vodka soda every once in a while.  But... I forgot how much I love to just go to hang out with friends, or go just to dance.  I love dancing.  I talked about this before,but I pretty much look like a narwhal on wheels while dancing.  White girl got no rhythm.  But I fake it pretty well.   But its simple things like that... I'm rediscovering the little things that make me happy.  


I'm learning that my life is pretty awesome.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Identity crisis?

So.  okay.  Lately I've been accused of being somewhat of a narcissist because of the pictures I post on my facebook.  

Fine.  I admit it... I have been posting a lot more pictures of myself lately.  But .... I'm really excited about them because I can see the weight loss in pictures.  I can't see it in the mirror.  I can't see it looking at myself.   Its almost like I'm having an identity crisis.  Its a fight between my eyes and whats actually going on. 

I have days where I can see it. Mostly in my face or when I'm staring at my body in the mirror pre or post shower and examining the extra skin situation.  I can see that my rolls are disappearing.  I've actually lost some rolls..  I know that sounds weird, but fat people know what I'm talking about.  You get rolls.  I used to count them.  I used to refer to them as my other guts.  I wish I had taken more pictures of my body before surgery.  Like of my actual body, those ones where the pre-op people are in their sports bras and shorts .... just so I can really see how big my physical body was.  Like...I know how big I was... I was 346 pounds.  But I really don't have a lot of pictures at that weight.  because it was embarrassing.  Now... I'm not so embarrassed anymore.  So sue me.  And also.... let me just say this... I've always said MYSELF... that I'm narcissistic and full of myself.  So... I'm just sayin. ... I gave everyone fair warning.  I make no apologies.

Another thing I'd like to discuss is perspective.  Okay.  So like I've mentioned before...  I'm part of a WLS group on Facebook, and its awesome.  Its really nice to have a group of people right at my finger tips that I can bitch, open up, get inpired, have fun with, talk about everything... that have all gone through the same thing I am pretty much at the same times I have. We're all losing awesomely.

But there are sometimes when someone will post that they are about the same as me and down more weight than me.  Like... they'll be down 80 and I'm down about 60 since surgery.   And its hard for me sometimes because I feel like.. maybe I'm not doing the right thing.  Why am I not losing as fast or as much as this person.

And I'm not the only one who feels like this.... because once in a while one of us will post a "OMGIMNOTLOSINGFASTENOUGHWHATSWRONGWITHME?!!?!" type of post.

I am just over 3 months post op.  14 weeks exactly.  I'm down 60 lbs.  Thats over 4lbs a week.  ... 60 POUNDS IN 3 MONTHS.  It took me over 5 months pre-op to lose the 50 that I had to lose. 

60 lbs in 3 months with little to no exercise (i'll be honest! I've been a lazy butt)

so yeah.  Thats my perspective.  I'm losing and thats all that matters :)


So I did buy a scale: I weighed myself this morning...
Bye bye 240s!!!!
I am now down 110lbs.  Since December 28th. 

 I am going to do my best to not weigh myself everyday.  Or, if I do end up weighing myself everyday.. . I will only step on the scale ONCE that day.  But I'm going to be trying really hard to not make a habit of it.



To calm my insanity with my perspective issues...





Sunday, August 21, 2011

I'm caving....

I'm caving... and buying a scale tomorrow well.. technically today... .  Its just time.  I've seriously thought long and hard about this... and the not knowing is killing me.

I'm thinking that if I have the scale in the house, the temptation won't be too awful.  Kind of like food.  Like I've mentioned in posts before... I live with a 10 year old.  So there are snacks in the house.... oreos, pringles, the soft squishy delicious soft baked choc. chip cookies from entemanns. You get the picture.  So anyway... the temptation is THERE.  I just don't do it.  So I'm thinking the scale temptation will follow suit.

I did buy a notebook to journal my food.  One of the marble ones, its pink.  Target had them for 40 cents.  Shibby.  So I got 4-- 2 pink, 2 yellow.  That way I have them and can just keep tracking my food. Should last me a while.  I've got two solid days of food down.  So as long as I can keep with it... I don't think I'll have a problem.  Its nice to be able to see how much and what I'm eating.  On paper... I mean... I know what I eat,and when I eat and all of that, but its nice to see things down in lists.  I'm big on lists. All sorts of lists.  I'm a SUPER huge fan of pros and cons lists as well.  Lists just make me happy.  I don't know when I became a list person... I think it was sometime around 16... okay.. I'm rambling.

So yes.  I'm buying a scale.  I'll post pictures tomorrow.  Well, later.  You know what I mean.  I actually have a few pictures to post...not just about the scale.   Oh so much to do later.  I really need some sleep, but I'm not one bit tired.

I didn't do a damn thing today.  Twas a very lazy Sunday.  Quite enjoyable though today.  The only time I moved from the couch was to pee or eat.  Lazy ass.  My Monday (later) will be eventful though.  I have some cleaning to do, and shopping (for the scale!) and a coffee date planned with my lovely friend Lauren, who I call Life Condom--- (she's always there when life gets hard and rough and keeps me away from sticky situations...I know... I'm one sick BAMF) and that makes me happy :)

Well.. I'm gunna watch some more Dexter... I have a few seasons to catch up on before the new season starts in october :)


and hey! like my new layout?

Friday, August 19, 2011

i can has a mulligan? To scale or not to scale?

So this past week and a half has been a rough-ish one.   As some of you know, I broke my toe last week.  I don't even have an awesome story about it.  I passed out at my krav maga class due to dehydration and when I went down... I must have hit my toe on the wall because when I came too... my toe hurt. So I went to the urgent care place nearby, and low and behold... I broke it. 

4-6 weeks healing time.   Stupid.  Toe.  So. Anyway.... with this stupid broken toe, I really can't do much.  A little bump in the road.  Whatever. 

At least I say that now.  I've done nothing the entire week in terms of exercising.  I've been feeling rather blue lately.  I'm not quite sure what it is.  Partly the toe, partly the retarded gloomy weather for half a day every day.  Not quite sure, but thats what I'm chalking it up too.  So I've pretty much spent the past week and a half either laying in bed or sitting in my pjs watching Disney movies, or scary movies, or romcoms. 

If someone showed up at my house, they might think I was suffering after a break up.  Thats the type of pathetic I was. 

So with that... came the (craving of...) BOREDOM EATING!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!!!!


Okay. Well, I really didn't eat anything out of boredom.  I think I had like... a Popsicle and then like a cheesestick one or two days.  Its not like I binged on anything.  Honestly.  I swear.


But this is what scares me.  The boredom eating.  The thought of boredom eating scares me.  This ties in to my last post where I spoke of my relationship with food.  It just sucks.  I'm still having a hard time eating every couple of days and its just strange how much of a disinterest in food I have now that I have to eat to live instead of living to eat.  Except for when I'm bored.  When I'm bored or just sitting watching TV... all I think about is food. I swear its like a subliminal message thing from the television. 

If I'm sitting watching TV... I swear I will get up to stare at the stuff in the pantry or fridge and literally have to talk myself out of it.  I mean, I always do.  Or I grab something WLS friendly.  I try not too though.

I was reading my older entries, from when I first started this journey, and I was SOOOOO good at documenting everything and planning out my foods... and I think I'm going to start doing that again.

Thats where my mulligan comes into effect. 

I'm going to document everything I put into my mouth.  Calories, Proteins, Fats, Carbs.  And I'm also going to be like a 5 year old and use stickers for the vitamins.  I know it sounds corny, but think about how awesome stickers made you feel when you were a kid.  Right?!  Yeah.. I got the warm and fuzzies too. It just happens. Stickers make the world go 'round.  I'm sure if someone gave Osama Bin Laden or Hitler or Mussolini  some stickers when they were kids... they might not have been so cranky as adults.  Who knows?

So yeah.  Documentation.  Like I learned in MA... documentation is key.  Its so important to document everything.  And it will hold me accountable. That way I can always look back and be like..."oh... *thats*  why I didn't lose that week. 

I'm also kicking around the idea of a scale.  I'm on the fence about it.  I currently don't have one by my own personal choice.  I don't want to obsess over it.  And now I don't know if I will anymore... .  But also not knowing my weights are also killing me.  I want to be a normal once-a-week-weigher.  a OAWW if you will.


So I'll leave with this:

How many of you, WLS-ers or not... have scales? How many of you weigh yourselves? How often?

Thursday, August 18, 2011

The alleged "easy way out"

**DISCLAIMER!! EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OPINIONS... THIS IS MINE**.

... i mean.. everyone knows I love a good debate ;)

Alright.  This is going to be my response to a blog that was recently brought to my attention.  I am part of a WLS group on Facebook that is filled with amazing girls (and 2 boys!) from all over the country who all have had or are about to have some sort of WLS. (WLS= Weight Loss Surgery).  Recently one of them shared a link to a blog post that you can read here.

So. Okay.  I'm going to Quentin Tarantino this and start at the end and work my way back to the top.   First of all...  I do take personal offense to this because I am one of these "self-indulgent, overweight, spineless jellyfish" because accused of "taking the easy way out".

While I take a lot of pride in my choice of having WLS, it took me FIVE years to really make the decision.  I had been able to lose weight on my own.  Hell, in 2007-2008 I lost 70+ pounds just from exercising and eating right and seeing a nutritionist.   It was hard as hell, but I did it without surgery.  Even before my surgery, I had to lose the 50lbs so my surgeon could do the surgery safely, and I did that in less than 6 months.

Let me preface what I'm about to say with this:
1.  I LOVE my RNY.  It was the best decision I ever made and I am PROUD to say that I took my life into my own hands and I saved my own life.
2. I have ALWAYS been proud of my body and who I was regardless of my weight because I'm just a pretty kickass person. (see... full of myself ;) )

... with that said...  It took me MONTHS to admit to my friends that I want to have this.  I had my decision made for months before I decided to tell my friends.  Why you ask?

IT WAS EMBARRASSING!! I can't believe I had eaten myself to 346 pounds and let my bad terrible habits get that far off course.  I could be as confident as I wanted.  I was like the guy with the tiny penis who overcompensates with the giant house or big truck.   I was ashamed I had let myself get up that high on the scale and it made me sick. 

So telling my friends... and then making it totally public between telling everyone who would stand still long enough, or writing a blog about it... was a big deal for me.  And I have only gotten a handful of negative or not so supportive comments regarding it.  Everyone else was super proud of me and that helped me be proud of me.

So thats first off.

"My weight has yo-yoed during the years. I've been normal weight, thick, chubby, and obese. When I was at my heaviest, 250 pounds, I did the unthinkable. I cut my calories to less than 500 per day and began exercising two hours daily. Guess what? I also lost weight as if I had a pact with "he who must not be named." (Oh, wait, that's Lord Voldemoort; I mean the other guy.)

It was difficult, especially at first. But every day I -- and my will -- grew stronger. And after three months (in which I lost 80 pounds), I was very, very proud of myself."
-
Weight Loss Surgery Is the Easy Way Out

Okay.  Well hats off to you for losing the 80lbs, my fellow yo-yo dieter.  Mazel tov.   However.. you failed to mention if it stayed off once you go back to eating a normal, healthy 1200 calorie diet.  Thats the hardest part... maintaining your weight loss.  Whether it was with WLS or without.

After you diet a certain way for a few months, or even just a few weeks... and you had kickass results with it... your body eventually catches up with you and you will plateau. Or hit a stall. Its frustrating.  It sucks.  And its because you're DIETING.  Not changing your lifestyle.

After years ... YEARS... of being on crash diets, battling eating disorders like anorexia(NOS) and bulimia(NOS), and having such issues with food like I did... I realized that 'diet' (as a verb) is LITERALLY a four letter word.  Diets don't work.  Crash diets don't work.  Not for long term results anyway.

If you want to see changes in your body and on the scale... you need to have a lifestyle change. You have to change the way you live your life in order to have a successful weight loss and maintain that weight loss.  And to me, WLS was just another tool that helped me change my lifestyle.  Like Eggface says... you need to be able to work on your head... The why's of why you got fat... in order to be successful with any type of WLS.  Same thing applies just for changing your lifestyle.

I know I didn't get fat JUST because I could eat an entire sleeve of oreos.  I know it wasn't just because of the 3 bagels I could eat in one sitting.  I got fat because food was a filler for me.  Like I've said before.. food and I were besties. Food was filling a void for me.  That void was happiness.  and sadness.  and boredom.

I grew up an only child.  I was also a latchkey kid.  Now I'm not saying if I had siblings or that if my parents were there to say 'No'... I wouldn't have gotten fat.  I'm not saying that at all.  I'm saying those are the things that caused those emotions for me that propelled me to find a friend in food.

Getting my WLS was saying a permanent good bye to one of my best friends.  I know that sounds pathetic and you might want to commit me to a place that can offer me a nice padded room and a lovey, new fall fashion statement straight jacket... but it was true.  Food was one of the best friends I ever had.  Little did I really know is that we were really frenemies... but isn't that the case with *any* frenemy really?

"How can I be proud of someone who takes the easy route? Someone who decides that having a surgeon cut them open and rearrange or modify their insides is easier than eating less and exercising more? It's just lazy."
Weight Loss Surgery Is the Easy Way Out

OKAY.  So this is the statement in the blog in which the author proves he/she knows NOTHING about bariatric surgery.

Like I've mentioned before... my gastric bypass... is a TOOL.  Yeah.. my pouch prevents me from binge eating... but it doesn't prevent me from just filling it with oreos or cheese doodles.

I STILL have to make the right decisions of what I'm going to fill it with.  Its not like when I stand in front of my pantry and stare at the oreos a hand comes out of my stomach and bitch slaps me away from them.  (THAT WOULD BE AWESOME AND TOTALLY AN AWESOME SCI-FI MOVIE THOUGH!) No.  There is no hand.  There is HOWEVER a little voice.. okay, not so little voice, because its my voice, and I have a loud mouth.. inside my head thats like NO STOP WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING WILL BE RUEENED!

I could eat whatever I want.  Is there a possibility things will make me sick? Absolutely. So I don't eat them.  I've also made the choice to just cut out breads, rices, pastas and potatoes for the most part...because carbs and I were awesome friends and thats one of the reasons that got me in trouble in the first place. So thats part of my LIFESTYLE CHANGE.  Its my CHOICE.  I still choose what I put into my pouch.  Now.. I just make better choices. And yes.  I know I could have just done that in the first place or continued to do what I was doing on my pre-op diet... I still would have lost weight.  I'm aware of this.  But after so many failed attempts of not losing the weight I wanted to lose, or gaining it back.  I wanted something a little more permanent.  I needed that tool to help me live my life before I died at age 30 of a heart attack because I had one cheeseburger too many. 

And let me tell you something.  The eating thing... is not easy. At all.  9 times out of 10, if a person is large enough to have had WLS... they have issues with food.  Some sort of issues.  And once again... I'll reiterate myself... I went from one extreme relationship with food... to the other.  For WLS to be successful, we NEED to get our protein.  We NEED to eat.  Do you know what its like to sit down and force yourself to eat when your cell phone alarm goes off REMINDING you to eat because the nerves that sends the hunger hormone signals up to your brain have been severed and might not ever grow back.

IT SUCKS! 

And lazy?  oh bitch please.  before I broke my toe (yeah, I did that) I had just started my Krav Maga classes and I was starting the C25K program.  I was NOT lazy.  Not at all.  So bite me, lazy.

"People applaud their weight loss and congratulate them on how thin they've become and how good they look.

Not I.

I don't like cheating and I don't like short cuts, especially (at least) when it comes to such a big thing (pun totally intended)."
- Weight Loss Surgery Is the Easy Way Out

Okay.. Well first of all.. that's just rude.  Don't be hatin'. That's all I'm saying.  Even when people I seriously dislike have lost weight, regardless of how they did it, or how jealous I am, I will always congratulate them... because I know how hard it is. and then yes, maybe I will mutter 'skinny bitch' or something like that because I am a girl, and jealousy will always rear its ugly green head, whatever. I'm human. sue me.  But I will ALWAYS congratulate someone on their weight loss.  Thats my point.  Regardless.  (disclaimer: unless I know they're heading to an eating disorder and then I'll be like.. YOU LOOK GREAT AND STOP LOSING WEIGHT RIGHT NOW... because that has happened).

And about the short cuts or the cheating.  Well.  I'm going to follow suit of the people who have left comments and point out that this person is not taking into consideration of all the shortcuts and cheating ways people take and do everyday without even realizing it.

Sending e-mails.  Or even snail mail.  Remember the pony express we learned about in school?

Yeah... So when you order stuff online -oh, short cut! now you don't have to even leave your house to order clothes or food or anything... and it gets shipped, or UPSed or FEDEXed to your house....

SHORT CUT! Think about all those poor ponies out of work.  And in this economy, sheesh!.

Cars!  Are you walking to work? Doubt it.  You're driving.  Short cut!

And ... Well.. if this author is a professional blogger, they might not even have to leave their house to work.. because of the AWESOME INVENTION OF THE COMPUTER! Another short cut!

Whatever happened to etching things in stone or drawing pictures on the wall to communicate?

Yeah.  Thats what I thought.  I mean... that guy that carved the 10 commandments into the stone didn't have a pen.  Or even a pencil.  HE CARVED THAT SHIT!  what if he made a spelling error? There's no backspace button when its a CARVING IN STONE!


So, Author... my point is... until you're ready to get rid of ALL of your short cuts... kindly shut up.

Don't write about something you clearly know nothing about.

That would be like me writing a blog about ... peeing standing up. or how to balance a check book. Or being awesome ... oh no. wait.  That one I could write about.  ;)


Oh.  One last thing:


"And if you're too lazy to cut calories and exercise, you don't deserve to be skinny."
-
- Weight Loss Surgery Is the Easy Way Out

 Really now?  Kiss my ever shrinking ass. 

Monday, August 8, 2011

One Hundred (plus two)

I am *officially* down 102 lbs since December 28th, 2011.

Wanna know what 100 lbs looks like??

100 lbs of some sort of animal meat...

A 100 lb Burger....
100 Pounds of Pure Orange Fat.  This is what fat actually looks like.  Gross    



This is also what 100 lbs looks like.


So yeah.  I'm pretty much at my half way mark. I would like to lose at least another 100... if not more.  Maybe another 120 tops.  I dont want to be rail thin, or look unhealthy.  I would just like to have a healthy BMI which means I would have to weigh 120 lbs... which means I would need to lose about another 120lbs. 

However... Now that I've hit my first goal, of 100lbs down... I'm going to focus on my next goal.. which is only 44lbs away...  ONEDERLAND!  for those of you people who are not WLS-language savvy... ONEDERLAND... is this awesome place that those of us who have been 200+lbs.. call any weight under 199.  So I am only about 44 lbs away from that which btw..BLOWS MY MIND! because I can't tell you the last time I was under 200...  It had to be elementary school.  In 8th grade I was like... 240.   So I'm the same size I was in 8th grade.   Heh.  Thats so freakin weird.  I wish I had pics of that time period so I can compare.  Crazy stuff.  The last time I was this small was about 3 years ago and I had lost it on my own, and then I met a guy and gained it all back. 


So now... I'm just focusing on myself.  If a guy wants to come along and try and be in my life... these are the things he's going to have to be behind in my priorities right now:

Getting in protein
My friends
My vitamins
Krav Maga Classes
Kickboxing Classes
C25K Training
Having fun
Finding a job

If a dude is going to be comfortable being last on that list... fine.  But I cannot once again compromise myself and who I am for a man like I did last time ... because I am back to being my own number one.

Anyway... sorry about the guy tangent...  Back to me and my weight loss.  Yeah yeah... I'm sure I sound pretty narcissistic but I've actually always been that way... and for me... now... I'm exploring a whole new version of myself that I've never really been able to be narcissistic about. I'm down 102 pounds.  Thats the size of a 6th grader.  I lost a 6th grader.   50 pounds between december 28 2010- may 15 2011... so about 5 months... and then another 52 pounds between may 16 2011 and august 5 2011... about 2.5 months.  HOW FREAKIN INSANE??? Sometimes I still really can't believe this is happening!


What about you other WLS-ers?  Do you still have those days where you're like... wow...  I did this... its actually happening. .... wow....?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

ALMOST FORGOT!!

Shelly, aka Eggface, is having yet ANOTHER one of her amazing giveaways. (seriously, how generous is this chick?!)

you can check it out here!!!


Also follow her on twitter @Eggface

and go like The World According to Eggface on facebook!

Go! now! 

oh the things you're about to read!

So... theres SO much stuff floating around in this head of mine, that the hamster on its wheel has no idea even where to start.  I like to think of my head to a place that no one really wants to be. See... theres a hamster inside riding around on his wheel and sometimes he has these moments where he goes into overdrive ... very much similar to this little guy seen here.  I also refer to it as the hamsters office and he doesn't like file cabinets so there is just a FUCKTON of post-it notes everywhere.  And one little purple lamp.  So right now I'm trying to sort through the post-its of all the things I wanted to blog about and am trying to make sense of some of the things. This is probably gunna be a long one... so brace yourselves. 




So I guess I'll start with food.  As you know... I have serious issues with food now and I really just hate eating.  I'm getting better with it... but its still really hard.  I went from one extreme relationship with food where it was everything to me.  Food was my best friend. It always had been. For me to try and pretend that food and I didn't have a love affair for almost 23 years would just be a lie and lying is not okay. Anyway... So yeah.. me and food.. we were tight.  Then I went on my pre-op diet to drop the weight I needed to before my surgery... and I developed a more normal, but not quite normal relationship with food where it was more of a "eat to live, not live to eat" thing.  Now that I actually HAVE to eat to live... I am never hungry... and throughout the aforementioned pre-op diet... I trained myself to not eat if I wasn't hungry... so I'm sure you can guess where I'm going here. So since I'm not hungry... I don't eat.  I've written about this before so everyone should be like yeah, we know.  Anyway... Like I said.... I'm getting better when it comes to food.  I'm exploring more and Im expanding my pallet.   My new favorite thing is Non-fat Greek yogurt (I like Fage and Chobani the best) mixed with PB2. Its defatted, powdered peanut butter. Its awesome and it makes the yogurt even more delicious! And it comes out to be like... Less than 200 calories, like no fat... less than 15 carbs, 5 sugars and 23 grams of protein!  Its quite delicious . Seriously.  Try it.  You'll like it. But yeah... I'm getting better with food and I'm getting in my protein (almost) every day.  I'm really trying here.

So food is done.  Next is work outs:  I started taking Krav Maga and Kickboxing.  So far I've only been to two classes, because my schedules a little messed up lately, but I'm trying to get into the swing of things. Krav Maga is super intense and I love it.  Its pretty awesome. I can't wait to learn more and to build up strength and really get into it.  I am also planning to start doing the C25K program with the help and support of two of my WLS blogger friends, Sam and Christina who are awesome and have awesome blogs and you should read them because I said so. 

Which leads me to my next topic: friends and support. 

97% of my "real life" friends... have been incredibly supportive. And my WLS friends I've made through the interwebs... I love each and everyone of you <3 Fo' Reelz. But seriously... So supportive.. all of you.   Like.. So unbelievably supportive it makes me want to cry and hug every single one of you little pretty cupcake ponies. (what, I get my nicknaming skills from Jenna Marbles ... youtube her. You'll piss your pants laughing)

2% of my friends I still dont think have realized that I had RNY and are just clueless.

And 1% of you I'm ready to dump because you're being that fact catty supportive and the backhanded comments and the competing and the bullshit needs to stop.  In fact... you probably know who you are, and I've been pretty patient until now... but... its wearing thin and the next backhanded comment I get from any of you or the next time you're just a fuckface and nasty and uncalled for... I'm calling you out on your bs. I didn't do this as a personal attack against you or anything. I did this for ME.  For my health. And the fact that you bitches can't be supportive of me changing my life for the better... really hurts.


And now that that is over... I am 1lbs away from being 100lbs down since december!  I'm uber excited about this :)


 Here are some comparison pictures:


Monday, July 18, 2011

Things I Wanna Do With My Soon To Be Skinny Life

This is a list of things that I would like to do when I am my future skinny self.  In no particular order:

  • Bungee Jump
  • Sky Dive
  • Dance in a cage
  • Hang Glide
  • Zip Line over the Grand Canyon (I'm sure this is possible...)
  • Scuba Dive
  • Dance in a cage while surrounded by sharks
  • Lay naked on a beach
  • Learn how to surf
  • Cartwheel for one mile
  • Pole Dance (and get paid to do it.)
  • Run a 5K, 10K, Half Marathon and then a Marathon (those will be in that order) 
  • Climb more mountains
  • Rock Climb
  • Become a personal trainer
  • Learn how to country line dance
  • write a book about my WLS journey
  • Marry a New York Ranger

This is just what popped into my head now.  I'll be adding to this list as time goes on and my ass gets skinnier.  

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I hate food.

I hate food.  I really truly do.  And its not because I can't eat anything.. because I can eat tons of stuff.. I just don't want any of it. I came to this conclusion the other day where after not wanting to eat anything, and then having oreos and chips and rice krispie treats call out my name... (and no..  I didn't eat ANY of it)... I made an omelette thing instead and had like... 5 bites. But...   I have no appetite... but I knew this would happen.  So I set my alarm to go off every few hours to tell me when to eat.  So then I have to figure out what I want to eat.  Now...I have this thing.. where if I'm not actually in the mood for food... I won't eat.  Whether I'm hungry or not... if something doesnt strike me... I won't eat.  I havent always had this (because I'm sure if I did I wouldn't have made it up to 346lbs)... I acquired it during my pre-op dieting.... to deter myself from eating crap. 


So that stuck.  So now.. since I'm never hungry... I never EVER want anything to eat.  Nothing ever sounds appealing because I'm either a: terrified its going to make me sick or b: I simply don't like how it sounds.


So yeah.  I hate food.  I'm terrified of most things.  Like I tried some turkey pepperoni...nope. The pouch doesn't like it.  Green beans? Fuhgeddaboudit. Not happenin'.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not upset about this... which is weird... and I don't for one second regret my surgery...


But going from eating EVERYTHING EVER... to not wanting to eat anything at all...

its annoying as FUCK! 


Like food and I were besties.  Biffles.  Heterolifemates, if you will.  Me and Salt and Vinegar chips... we were gunna make babies.  Now... I look at my pantry of stuffs ( I live with a 10 yr old so snacks are always readily available in my house) and it makes me sick.  I read labels of stuff I used to eat... and it grosses me out.

Okay. End my hatred of food rant.   I wish things were simple and I could just drink my isopure drinks that I love so much all the time.  But I can't.  Because I need to eat real food. So I can have a healthy life and not die of malnutrition and be like this chick.  I don't want to be mad at food forever and get sick and die.  That wasn't the point of this surgery.  The point of this surgery was so I can become healthy and live my life.  Not be a super skinny bitch and drop dead because my heart gave out because my body was starved and fed off its own muscle.  Cause that does happen. 




So... my plan is this:  Every sunday I am going to print out 7 new recipes I find on the interwebs and once night a week I am going to be making them for dinner.  and probably left overs for lunch and what not. 

And... starting monday... I am going to go to the gym every day to try all the classes they offer so I can see exactly what I like and don't like so I can make a schedule of when to go.  However.. I won't be doing yoga.  Apparently I'm to high strung for that kind of thing.  Whatever. That yoga teacher can go zen her ass.


Anyway... recipe ideas are appreciated :)   Please! and thank you!



ALSO!!! OH! GIVEAWAY ALERT FOR ALL MY WLS FRIEEEENNNDDDS <3

My awesome fellow blogger Sam just redid her blog and it is BANGIN!

To celebrate that ( and her 6th month post-op) she is giving away an itunes giftcard!!! 

Everyone can go here to enter!!!







^ Isnt her lil button adorable?? Loves it!

Friday, July 8, 2011

10 to 100 :D

Thats right folks, you read it here first.  I am just 10lbs shy of hitting my 100lb mark.   10 lbs and I will be down 100 lbs since december 28, 2010.  INSANE!!!!  Right?! OMG I KNOW!   Which means in like... 53 days... I've lost 40lbs.  Without even trying.  I'll be honest... I've gone to the gym like... twice since my surgery.  Granted I'm walking around more and what not, and its the summer, so I'm naturally more active... but I haven't like really worked out since like... April.


Sometimes I still can't believe its real.  Like.. this is actually happening and its for reals and my life is seriously changing.  Changing in SOOOO many ways.   I dyed my hair, I'm losing weight, I'm looking for a job, I'm starting to save up for the move.  Which I've revised that plan:

Still visiting my aunt laureen in september... But instead of job hunting and what not, I'll be looking at schools and neighborhoods and then I'll plan on moving in early 2012.  Just so I can save save save up all my monies :)

In other news....  I've had a fabulous couple of weeks with some of my amazing friends... which is why I haven't been around so much.  I've just been living my life and its freakin awesome. Theres just so much to say and not enough time.  A bike ride or a pool is calling my name!


And in even more other news...  ANOTHER EGGFACE GIVEAWAY!  This time its a giveaway for Quest Protein Bars... all the new flavors Eggface has tried :)  She's awesome.  Check out her blog and enter her giveaways!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Getaways and Apostrophies.

So really there are no words to describe this weekend. So I'll let the pictures do the talking.
















Bottom line: i have amazing friends and we had amazing times :)




So my apostrophe.

First let me explain what an apostrophe is.  Anyone ever see the movie hook?




So yeah. Lightening has just struck my brain. And no. It didn't hurt.

(quick backstory)
I've been with plenty of men.  I've only been in a few serious relationships in comparison to the number of men I've slept with. I was the fat girl that put out.  I admit it. I've always been that girl to "take what she can get" and I can honestly say I've never valued my relationships with men and I would let them use me and what not.  So yeah, I have no real concept of a healthy relationship and I have no concept of what love actually is.

So after spending my weekend with several couples (happy couples, normal healthy relationship couples) I realized that I want one.  I'm ready for one.  So that made me start thinking about things and like... I'm worth so much more than I used to think. I have a different type of confidence. It's not a confidence in my sexual acts anymore. It's a confidence in myself that I've never had before. I've realized I want to be more than a number to a guy and I don't want him to like me just because I put out. So I just realized like ... I deserve so much more than a hook up and guy who treats me like shit. Like before my surgery I never realized how much I devalued sex and love and everything.

However, my biggest thing is this: I want it to happen organically.  I'm not settling for anything anymore. 


So yeah. Thats my apostrophe.  I think I mean epiphany.