Thursday, February 24, 2011

Why I'm fat...

So… its been a few days and what not since my last blog. I’ve had some things going on and really just haven’t had the time to blog.

I’ve been following a lot of different blogs on here regarding WLS and the before and after life of it. Almost all of them have a “my story” section talking about their struggles with their weight and what ultimately led them to WLS. So I guess… That’s what this blog will be about.

First.. let me start of by saying... I grew up an only child.  I was basically a latch-key kid and food was my friend.  I would come home to an empty apartment ( my landlord was home, and she would check on me... but i was there alone most of the time) ... so I would have a snack, and do my homework, and then find something to munch on.  Because I was lonely.  And.. I grew up in a house of enormous proportions.  My mom always cooked enough food for 8 people.. and I grew up with my dad who was always extremely morbidly obese, who could eat 6 slices of pizza on his own... and my mom... who was a huge advocate for second helpings... so I was just always used to eating larger portions.  So .. aside from my emotional eating.. my portions were always out of control. 


I was always a chubby kid. Since I’m like 3 years old, all the pictures of me are a little chunk. My mother always blamed my father for my weight gain. He was the one who was home with me and he never cooked so it was always fast food and crap. I guess I should also mention both my parents are extremely morbidly obese, so their habits definitely influenced me.

Regardless of whether or not it really is my father’s fault ultimately… I was always chubby. But I was also always active. I was a baton twirler, I danced (tap, ballet and jazz) and I did gymnastics. I also had a brief stint of cheerleading, but it interfered with twirling and I liked twirling better.

At 7 years old my mom put me in weight watchers. I was the only kid there to be weighed in, not just because their mom couldn’t get a sitter. I remember it was the summer before I started 3rd grade, and my mom and I were walking into pathmark, and she had said to me “You can loose the weight now, and everyone would be like WOW is that you? You look so good”. That’s something that has ALWAYS stuck with me.

As I got older, the pounds kept coming on. No matter what I did, ate, worked out… the number on the scale crept up. By the time I was in 8th grade, I was 240 lbs. After my parents got divorced, it was even worse. I ate my emotions. Then I started binging and purging or not eating at all. Not even starvation helped me lose weight. (Later I learned that in periods of starvation is when your body holds on to what it can for nutrients and energy).

Fast forward to being 19… I was about 290ish. Give or take an Oreo. After trying everything and working out and dieting… I had finally decided to do something. So I started going to the gym on my own and working out. The first 15 lbs came off pretty quickly. I started eating better and working out. Then I started seeing a nutritionist and he had put me on a super strict “bird food” diet. I had dropped about 40 lbs on that diet…And I was down about 70lbs total… but I was eating like… nothing. It was so strict… it was awful. Once I started adding back in foods… (with my nutritionist’s guidance) I started putting weight back on.

I had also started dating someone around this time… and thennnnnn that’s when the drama happened. I had stopped going to the gym so I could spend time with him, and we had gone out to dinner, and he would make me food (he was such a good cook) and there were nights we’d sit on the couch and share a pint of Ben and jerry’s. We were fat asses. Not even gunna lie. Then… when the break up happened… I really ate my feelings. My weight skyrocketed… up to 318. Then over the past 2 years… it had gone up and I topped out at 346.

I’m now down to around 312ish and I would like to be under 300 prior to my surgery.  The reason why I'm having the surgery... is because I can never seem to keep the weight off.  So... my RNY will be a tool to help me.

So.. that’s my story. A very modified, censored , spark notes version of my story.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Goals and a gallstone

So I had my second meeting with my surgeon today... I'm down another 5 lbs since I saw the Nutritionist last week :)   Since my weigh in at my ob/gyn in december til now... I'm down 34 lbs.  Since my weigh-in with dr K last month, i'm down 18.  I've got about 20 more lbs to go and I'm at my pre-op goal :)

Also, I had gone for my sono the other day, and he got the results.  Everythings fine except I apparently have a giant gallstone .  Its almost at 1.5cm.  Which.. for a gallstone... is giant.  So he said unless I have any pain I'm fine and they're taking out my gallbladder when I have my bypass surgery :) I'm totally okay with that since rapid weight loss can cause gallstones or cause the current gallstones to act up.  Dr. K thinks I'm going to do great with the RNY. He says I have the initiative, the drive, the want, and all that for it. He said since I'm already showing I can handle the diets, and change my lifestyle he thinks I'll have smooth sailing.  That'd be nice right?

I'm still crazy hormonal. Dr. K reassured me this is all completely normal, and my hormones will balance out... but it just takes time.  Yeah. Time.  ... Time better hurry its ass here soon because I just cried in the hallway when me, nicole and joanne were talking about finding nemo and how all the babies die in the beginning.  I got all weepy and the tears started to flow.  its really getting ridiculous. 

So I had one of those moments today.  One of those "OMG I'm actually going through with this... its really seriously happening" moments.  Its more out of excitement then doubt.  But then all of the... "will i" 's come into play...
  • Will I like my new body?
  • Will I still see the fat version of myself in the mirror?
  • Will my friends still love me just the same?
  • Will I change my personal style once I fit into "normal" clothes?
Stuff like that.  I don't have any reservations at all about the surgery.  It's just kind of my what-ifs.

When this happens.. I bust out my pen and paper and make my pros and cons lists. But.. today.. instead of pros and cons... I added to my list of goals and things I want to do :

  • Sky dive
  • Take pole dancing classes
  • Become an RN and work for american red cross or drs without borders
  • have a BMI of 25 or less
  • buy bras and undies at Vicky's
  • Be able to shop EVERYWHERE instead of just 3 stores
  • Bungee Jump
  • Run a 5k
  • Run a 10k
  • Run a half-marathon
  • Run a marathon
  • Become certified in personal training
Theres more, but my full list is all the way down stairs... and Teen Mom is coming on... and pajamas are calling my name :)

Till next time--
Katie <3

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Estrogen escaping through my eyes...

So its been a while, and there's no rundown of my food for the week I've been slacking on the blog.

I will say... that I saw my nutritionist and psychologist this past Wednesday... and I'm down 12 pounds since I first saw the surgeon on Jan. 20.  Yayy me.  So I bought myself one of those comfy Team Extreme sweatshirts.. yeah, not after my appointment w/ Dr. K... but still. I wanted it. Its been cold.  And I lost 12 lbs.

The psych pretty much cleared me on the spot. She said I'm a fantastic candidate, that I've done extensive research on the surgery, and that I really seem focused on the reality of everything and I understand that it's not a quick-fix-it surgery, that it's a tool for the rest of my life and new lifestyle.

The nutritionist was very impressed with all my food choices and said I was doing a great job with everything, except I need to add in a little fruit.  So I've been trying to do that and it's been working.

Although.. I'm sick of eggs.  Hardboiled ones at least.  I made some yesterday and I couldn't finish them.  I puked from the smell of them.  It was awful.  Today I made some scrambled and it was much easier to tolerate.  Anyone have any other breakfast ideas?

One negative about this whole weight loss thing... (and its only going to get worse after my surgery...I know) but... all this extra estrogen (this lovely hormone is stored in fat cells... when fat cells break down... this emotional roller coaster gets sent flowing through your body... FUN!) is running rampant through me... and I just want to cry. All the time.  I cry at tv shows, commercials... I had to pull over today because I started getting all weepy over a song (Mama's song by Carrie Underwood... seriously it will make you cry!) ... Its really ridiculous at this point.

I have allllll this estrogen and it apparently wants out... through my eyeballs.

I told Tyrome that tomorrow when I see him... I need to box... because I need to hit things.  Because I'm just too emotional and sometimes hitting things makes the world better. 

My workouts have been UH-MAY-ZING lately. Seriously... I dont even know how to describe them.  I don't think I've ever pushed my body this hard, this fast, and this much before... and my body is responding quite well to it, I must say.  No more aches and pains (well.. a little, but stretching helps) and I just feel so much better after working out.

I've been feeling kinda crappy the past few days, stupid cold weather, I have yet again, another cold... But I still went to the gym and huffed and puffed and coughed up a lung possibly, but I pushed myself and I went, and I felt so much better afterwards.

I think what I'm going to start doing is after Team Extreme, I'm going to go to Lucilles (since I'm still paying for that damn membership...) and work on my mile run there since I don't do the treadmill everyday at Xtreme. Plus it'll give me some extra cardio and boost the workouts and weight loss :)

I see Dr. K again this week, Tuesday to be exact... suuupper excited to see him and talk about things and what not.

I've made most of my appointments.  I had my pre-op sono done on Thursday (which... fasting for this totally killed me... I was dehydrated and lethargic the whole rest of the day and I felt awful) . I'm getting my blood work done *hopefully* this coming weekend.  I see the cardiologist on March 1st. and the pulmonologist march 17th.  And then all I have to do is make my appointment for my endoscopy and then all my pre-op clearances and testing will be done! My goal is to have everything done by the end of march :)

Time for bed.  I'm exhausted.  This is the latest I've been up since Thursday.

But before bed!  My blog pal Eggface is having a contest!!!  Check out her blog to enter!! She's giving away a shaker ball and a 5lb tub of strawberry flavored protein supplement!(I hope I win! I need more proteins to try!!)

Till the next time
Katie <3

Monday, February 7, 2011

Day 13 and 14-- Blogging in class again ;x

Days 13 and 14

Day 13: Saturday

B: 1 hard boiled egg, ½ cup of Fage 0% Greek yogurt

S: ½ cup of greek yogurt (serving size is 1 cup.. but it takes me FOREVER to eat it because its so filling)

L: Turkey Roll ups -3 oz turkey with 1 lite babybel cheese

S: Protein shake

D: Turkey Roll ups again (I was babysitting and I didn’t feel like cooking)

This was one of those days I realized how boring I am sometimes. LOL I went to boot camp, came home, did laundry and cleaned up the kitchen a little… then I went babysitting, and was asleep by 10:15. On a Saturday night. Regardless… I was exhausted that day and sleep was fantastic. I was lacking sleep from Thursday into Friday, and then Friday into Saturday… So sleep was gooooood.

Joanna and I decided to not go dancing Friday night because it was just tooooo cold. So I made dinner for us and then we sat on her uber comfy couch, under blankets, and watched The Last Song. Talk about a movie that makes you want to rip your heart out. Oy. It was a good night spent with my bestest friend <3

Day 14: Sunday

B: 2 hard boiled eggs

S: Protein shake

L: Tomatoes slices and Edamame with ¼ cup of Ricotta Cheese

S: Olives (a few black and a few green)

D: 3 oz chicken (seasoned) with 1 mozzarella string cheese and tomato slices

Apparently, yesterday was a tomato day. They were delicious. I like them just sliced on a plate with a little bit of garlic powder on them. I love tomatoes. Even as a kid… I would ask my mom to make me a tomato sandwich—tomatoes on toast with a little bit of mayo. So good.

I had a FANTASTIC work out yesterday. I worked out so hard, the sweat dripping down was gross… but I felt my body working. I felt how hard I was working. It was great. Tyrome and James were both really impressed on how hard I’ve been working and what an improvement I’ve made two weeks in. Its really nice to hear it. I can feel the changes … I can feel the muscle memory kicking in and my body can be pushed just a bit farther each day, and I like it. Does it suck when my muscles are really sore and I can barely walk? Absolutely. Does it suck when I can’t lift my arms above my head because they hurt so much…? Yes. But it’s totally worth it at this point.


This surgery will mean more than anything to me at this stage in my life. It will mean my future; to continue living and live my life to the fullest without this extra 200 pound body suit on my body. Sometimes it astounds me how I let myself get THIS far. Sometimes I really wish I had the discipline I have now, 15 years ago. But I didn’t so I’m making the best of the hand that I was dealt with. I know I can’t just change 22 years of poor eating habits and emotional eating and a bad “food environment” (i.e my parents) overnight. I know that the RNY will not be my “quick fix”. I know I could die on the table. I know all of this. Is that scary as hell? No shit Sherlock. But living my life as an obese person is just as scary, if not scarier.

I’ve come to terms with the death thing… and I’m extremely confident in my choice and I’ve educated myself on all of the good, the bad and the ugly. I know its going to be hard. I know it’s going to be the most radical change I’ve ever put myself or my body through… BUT… I know it’s for the best. I know I’m making the right decision. And I am so unbelievably excited for it. I’d rather die trying to change my life… than continue slowly killing myself with fried foods and Oreos. (Granted… those are delicious… but I’ve been making better and more delicious foods that are good for you too.)

Friday, February 4, 2011

Days 10-12 - More ginger, dinner and dancing.

Day 10: Wednesday

B: 2 hard boiled eggs.

S: Almond butter with blueberry jelly on a multigrain sandwich thin

L: Salad with chicken and olives with balsamic Vinegar

S: Protein shake

D: 4-5 shrimp marinated in the ginger sauce with green beans and onions also in the ginger sauce (this ginger sauce is AMAZING. The next few meals are going to be with it!)

Had a delayed opening today. Sucked. I hate stupid bullshit delays. Granted… at 7am there WAS a lot of ice. But my school delayed the opening 3 hours, making us go in at 12, and leaving regular time, 3pm. What was the point?? Why not just make us stay home the whole day? It was just pointless.

ANNDDDD I got the phone call at like, 10am, that team extreme was closing for the day due to the weather. I was NOT a happy camper.

Wednesday was also one of my best friends birthdays … she’s old now: quarter of a century (that’s 25 for you math impaired people). LOVE YOU MUFFIN [} <3

ANDDD there was cake and deliciousness but I didn’t have any… I didn’t even feel the want of it. I think progress has been made

Day 11: Thursday

B: 2 hard boiled eggs

S: 1 lite babybel cheese and ¼ cup Dry roasted edamame

L: Chicken with a 1/8 cup of whole grain rice and ¼ cup ricotta cheese, left over sautéed green beans and onions.

D: Left over shrimp, green beans and onions in a salad.

Got my fitness results back today. I scored a 140, which puts me at a “cadet” status. Not quite sure what that means.. but Tyrome said I did amazing. Apparently dog tags are involved, but I don’t know when I get them. Yesterday I did 2 miles on the elliptical in 14:44. The first day I went it took me 11+mins to do ONE mile. I definitely *feel* a difference…. in my body and the physical aspect of it. However I don’t see or feel any weight loss. One of the girls in my class says she can see I lost weight, but sometimes I think, when someone knows a fat chick is dieting… people will say “oh you can totally tell” just to be nice and give false hope. Maybe that’s the cynic in me. Who knows.

I had a date with my wifey tonight and I hung out with her at the salon and we were talking about the “salon experience”. How its nice to have someone blow out your hair in the comfy salon chairs, the massage shampoo and conditioner and what not. Its been like a year since I’ve gotten my hair done in a salon (like a cut and stuff). My friend Arwen has been cutting my hair since she was in cosmetology school and she is FANTASTIC. Plus she’s affordable. She also recently did my highlights (which I LOVE and they look amazing) … but sometimes its just not the same. I think it’s the smell of the salon. They all have a certain smell, that’s always similar but somehow different. So when my wifey (Joanna) and I were discussing this, I had said I think this is what I need -the relaxing salon experience. So her stylist Freddy, whose amazing said to book an appointment. I said I’m going to wait till a bit before my surgery and just pamper myself. Hair, manicure, pedicure, massage, facial-the whole 9 yards that way after my surgery, like right post op, when I’m feeling really crappy and gross…. I’ll still have that relaxed, pampered feel and even though I’ll look like hell, I’ll still feel better. He asked what type of surgery because I had also mentioned that I could lose some of my hair so I explained.

*side note* Lately I’ve been hesitant about answering or bringing up the surgery because while I’ve been getting mostly positive responses… there are just sometimes when I can tell people are faking it and they have that judgment in their face. You can read them like a book. It’s the same type of judgment when they look at a fat person. I can’t really describe it.. but if you’re a fat kid… you know the face *end side note*

When I told Freddy I was getting gastric bypass he was super excited about it! He wished me luck and said he can’t wait to see me in his chair. Lol. So that’s going to be my pre-op present to myself. A day of beauty; haircut, mani, pedi, massage. It will be glorious and its even more incentive to lose my 40lbs.

Day 12: Friday

B: 2 hard boiled eggs

S: Pickles and ¼ cup dry roasted edamame

L: Turkey roll ups with 1 lite babybel cheese and green beans

S: Protein shake

D: Garlic ginger chicken salad wraps. ( I cant wait to make them later with my wifey)

The day is only halfway through, but there's currently nothing to do in class, so I figured I’d take the time to update.

SOOOO excited to go out dancing with my wifey tonight. Its been a while, and I’m really looking forward to it. No drinking, of course, especially since I’m driving. I’ve learned recently though… that I don’t need to drink to have a fun time. Plus, it makes me a cheap date, and I’m okay with that.

I love to go out dancing. I’m a terrible dancer… and I probably look like a narwhal on wheels… but whatever. Its fun and I really don’t give a shit what people I’m probably never going to see again think.

I’m also looking forward to bootcamp today I like that I want to go to the gym. I like that I want to work out. Its fun. Plus I think since I’m sitting on my fat ass all day in class in front of a computer, looking forward to the workout isn’t really that hard.

I wonder what Tyrome and the boys have in store for me today …

Till next time--

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Day nine-- Fitness Test... and I'm still alive.

B: 2 hard boiled eggs (I'm on a kick, what can I say)
S: Some apple slices and a piece of lite babybel cheese
L: 4 slices of salami, 2 slices of provolone (made it a roll up)
S: 1/4 cup ricotta cheese and 1/4 cup of dry roasted edamame (no, I did NOT mix them together)
D: Turkey meatballs (no breadcrumbs!) with sauteed onions and green beans in a ginger sauce (which has no fat, like... 2 carbs I think, if any.. )

My lunch was a little off because I had a luncheon today for President's Club at school.  Every few months they award students for good grades and attendance, and President's Club is for those with a 4.0 and 100% attendance. See also "super nerd".  By the time I got to the room ( I realllllllyyy had to pee) there was a line of people for the generic side salads (potato, macaroni, coleslaw) and cold cut platter with breads on the sides so people can make sandwiches.  ALLLLL I wanted was some turkey and provolone.  That's all. But no, all the gavones  got to the good meats first, leaving me to choose from salami, or roast beef.  I don't eat roast beef.  So I went with the salami. It was not pleasant.  Heartburn galore.  Blech. Never again. Though.. on the other hand... my turkey meatballs and sauteed veggies for dinner... were fantastic!  Soo yummy. 

It felt weird without a protein shake today... I ran out of protein powder last night, and the weather has just been so awful that I wasn't going to drive... so I'll pick some up tomorrow after boot camp.  Which means I'll be making a 7-11 run in the AM to pick up a protein drink for before boot camp.

Today in boot camp, was my fitness test.  I had a modified version from everyone else because, well.. I can't do a lot of the things they can, like jacobs ladder ...  and Tyrome didn't make me do the steps... which I love him for.  HOWEVER...  I still had to do the mile, the push ups and sit ups (as many possible in 2 mins each), the rope climb thingy for 5 minutes, and the elliptical for a mile, with no resistance.  Now... the only thing I remember other than my mile time... was that the elliptical on no resistance... SUCKS.  On the 15-20 resistance, I can do that mile in 10mins or less.  With no resistance... it took almost TWICE that.  I have to ask Tyrome why tomorrow, but it sucked.

My mile time was 18:14.  If not those exact seconds, pretty damn close.  Now... I don't run.  .. Like ever.   I don't jog.  And I haven't done the mile run in school since like, Freshman year of high school.  All of middle school and the rest of high school I always had a note excusing me from it.

I think the last time I finished a mile in under 20 minutes... was in elementary school.  I hated it then too. Tyrome told me just to walk it as fast as I can.  So I started off with a nice brisk walk and bumped it up a little each time.  I started at 3.0. then I went to 3.3 and maintained that speed for the majority of the mile... then with the last  part of it.. I kept bumping it up and I finished it at a speed of 4.0 and I was JOGGING.  I did it for like a full minute.  I jogged.  Now .. for you skinny bitches that probably doesn't seem like a big deal. But like I said. I don't run. I'm not even one of those fat kids that chase the ice cream truck or run for food.  I just don't run. Both Tyrome and Ralph kept telling me how proud they are of me and Ralph definitely almost made me cry because he got all emotional saying he's really impressed with how serious I'm taking it and how far I've come in just 9 days.  It really meant a lot , but he did this to me, right as I started my mile.. so crying wasn't really an option.  I get my *official* results tomorrow and I get a rank and dog tags. lol.  I really love my boot camp. 

What I also really like about them... is that they never make me feel bad about not being able to do something. They never berate me.  They always have positive positive positive things to say to me when I do accomplish something, and they are so encouraging.  Kelly was.. and is the same way.  She still motivates me and makes me laugh and is so encouraging.  I love my Richard. My last trainer, Marco... was not like that.  He had no sympathy, and if I didn't do something EXACTLY his way...  he was just so mean.  I did not like that one bit.  He is someone I would like to punch. Kelly, Tyrome, Ralph.. the rest of the guys at team extreme... they're all people I can joke around with and have a good time with WHILE getting in a serious work out.  Marco had no personality.  I need people with personality.

Someone stop me if I'm writing too much.  I can talk and talk for hours.

Although.. now its almost 10 and teen mom 2 is coming on... and what can I say...  loveee the trashy tv.

Till tomorrow