Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Getaways and Apostrophies.

So really there are no words to describe this weekend. So I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Bottom line: i have amazing friends and we had amazing times :)

So my apostrophe.

First let me explain what an apostrophe is.  Anyone ever see the movie hook?

So yeah. Lightening has just struck my brain. And no. It didn't hurt.

(quick backstory)
I've been with plenty of men.  I've only been in a few serious relationships in comparison to the number of men I've slept with. I was the fat girl that put out.  I admit it. I've always been that girl to "take what she can get" and I can honestly say I've never valued my relationships with men and I would let them use me and what not.  So yeah, I have no real concept of a healthy relationship and I have no concept of what love actually is.

So after spending my weekend with several couples (happy couples, normal healthy relationship couples) I realized that I want one.  I'm ready for one.  So that made me start thinking about things and like... I'm worth so much more than I used to think. I have a different type of confidence. It's not a confidence in my sexual acts anymore. It's a confidence in myself that I've never had before. I've realized I want to be more than a number to a guy and I don't want him to like me just because I put out. So I just realized like ... I deserve so much more than a hook up and guy who treats me like shit. Like before my surgery I never realized how much I devalued sex and love and everything.

However, my biggest thing is this: I want it to happen organically.  I'm not settling for anything anymore. 

So yeah. Thats my apostrophe.  I think I mean epiphany.

Monday, June 20, 2011

NSVs... mini vacations and giveaways....

So here's some updates (with pics!)

Heres an NSV (non scale victory) that I noticed the other day at lunch with my little pseudo sister (the one in the picture in my last blog with the dress)

This made me SUPER excited!!!   just don't mind the spelling mistake. lol.   But yeah.. theres finally a space between my belly and the table while sitting in a booth :) this made me so excited :D its been SOO long since this has happened :)

another little NSV is this bathing suit I bought at old navy.  its an XXL, and it fits :)  I havent been able to buy anything at old navy other than tank tops (and even those didn't always fit) in SUCH a long time :) 

First of all... its not all black.  I can't tell you the last time i didn't wear a colored bathing suit.  and its cute.  and its not a regular tank top strapped one.  ANNNDDDD I can't wait to wear it this weekend for the long weekend in PA my friends and I are taking :)

I cannot freaking wait to leave this island for a few days :) :) its going to be awesome just to relax and spend an awesome long weekend with some even more awesome people <3

Now ... also... its time for another Eggface Giveaway!!  Eggface a.k.a Shelly is a prominent member of the WLS community and such a huge advocate for WLS and the decision to have a healthier life style!  She is always giving back and this is another one of those times!  She's on her 3rd giveaway for the month of june (her surgery month, she's 5 years post-op as of TODAY!!!) Go and enter!!!!

Have a great week everyone!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Reality check

So... this is my reality check...

There *IS* a difference.  The picture in january was taken 3 days after my first appointment with my surgeon.  The Picture in june was taken at my 3 week check up.  

I've been feeling really blah about things because I felt like I wasn't losing fast enough and what not... but... i'm down 76 lbs.  Since December.   What I was losing in a month or two... I lost in 3 weeks.  I'm coming to realize its all about perspective.  

These pictures also help with the contrast and everything and really helps me see the difference ... particularly in my face.

I know life with the RNY isn't a race.  Its a marathon.  So I'm at a really good pace right now. 

Heres another reality check...  my friend got married may 21 2010.  just over a year later, my pseudo little sister fits in my bridesmaid dress with me..

So I don't know how to flip it, but you get the idea...

Friday, June 10, 2011

Just a quick update :)

So... yesterday, I was able to eat.  Well... I had to force myself because I'm never hungry, but my nut and Dr.K  said I had to eat... soooo  I did.  I had tuna fish for lunch, some of my modified version of Shelly's Ricotta Bake and then for dinner I had about 2 1/2 oz of chicken :)  Everything went down fine, and sat well.  This morning I'm starting my day with a scrambled egg with red. fat mozz. cheese :)  Its delicious :)  As per my nut and Dr. K today will be the first day of setting my cell phone alarm and eating when it goes off.  He said once I get into the routine of eating my body will have a "hunger" when I'm "supposed" to eat.  He said it wont be like the hunger I used to have... but more of a "hm... usually theres something in the pouch by now... lets get something in there" as opposed to the stomach growling and other typical hunger signs. 

Anyway... for all my WLS friends... Eggface is doing another one of her giveaways!!!  She's the super cool awesome lady who had gastric bypass 5 years ago (her anniversary is this month!) and has done an amazing job at losing and keeping the weight off! She's also an awesome blogger who shares all her recipes and ideas and offers so much guidance!  I learned so much during my pre-op phase from reading her blog (plus it totally kept me entertained at school ... while I was supposed to do work... whatevs)  She is definitely (or at least in my opinion *should* be) a household name for anyone who has had WLS.

CLICK HERE! to see her blog and directions for entering her giveaway!!!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

"Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties."

So well. Okay.  a lot is going on all at the same time nothing is.  How does that make sense you ask? well.. it really doesnt, but in my head it does.  So I'll try to make sense of it...

I just turned 23. Yesterday, as a matter of fact, which means its been 5 years since I turned 18. This also means that in two weeks, it will be 5 years since I graduated high school.  CUE THE QUARTER LIFE CRISIS! I dont know why this freaked me out... but it did.  The fact that I'm not at all where I thought I would be at 23, plus the hormones from the surgery, plus the general crazy I already have... just freaked me the fuck out.  I havent stopped crying since monday.  MONDAY.  I'm just crazy. I know.  Especially because my life is prettttyyy freakin awesome right about now. 

I know.. how can I be having a quarter life crisis and be crying all time after I just said my life is pretty freakin awesome? BECAUSE OF THE HORMONES! 

Anyway. Enough about that rant.  Thats the "nothing" part of my " a lot is going on all at the same time nothing is" statement.

THIS is whats up:
I'm down 26 lbs since my surgery... which was 24 days ago.  So thats about a pound a day.  pretty freakin crazy, right?!

I'm planning a 3 week long trip to arizona in late august/early september to visit my aunt laureen and... **DRUM ROLL**** JOB SEARCH! 

thats right ladies and gents, you heard it here first... (unless you're joanne, nicole, or joanna .. who i called and spoke to on the phone about it...) This new yorker is looking to head west.

This is the plan:

july/august - get on the phone with recruiters out in arizona and set up some phone or e-mail interviews and set a date for a face to face interview while i'm visiting
... then while i'm there.. hopefully i'll land a job... then i'll fly back home... throw my shit in my car and road trip it cross country baby :)

IF i don't manage to get a job there during this trip...  my plan is to come back to new york, get a job here and save up all my money and be out there by my next birthday. 

but i reallly reallllly reallllllly want to be out there by the end of 2011 :)

anyway... thats about it for now... off to do some retail therapy :)

Monday, June 6, 2011

The what ifs are setting up camp in my head...

All the post-op what ifs are coming into my brain, setting up shop, and driving me crazy. 

I saw my family last night for the first time really since my surgery and they all kept saying how great I look and asking me how much I lost so far and if I feel different.

What they don't know is that in my head I'm freaking the fuck out because I don't see a difference,  I don't feel any different, and I have no idea how much I lost since my last dr appointment because A: I don't own a scale and B: I'm terrified to step on a scale because I don't think I've lost anything since my last appointment.

I was joking around with mom yesterday and I said I don't feel any different and I think my pouch is broken.  I know this is all the post-op crazies coming into play and I know that the weight WILL come off, and my pouch isn't broken.  I know this all LOGICALLY, but my crazy still comes out and I knew this would happen ... because thats what happens.

I was talking to Joanne about instant gratification (IG) stuff because we were talking about how we just want things NOW. And IG has always been an issue for me.  I want it and I want it now, think Veruca Salt with the golden geese...  Yeah.  I knew the surgery wasn't a quick fix... I knew that it will still take time and everything... I just wish I could see the difference.

And on top  of the crazy... I'm hormonal as ALLLL HELLLL. 


Friday, June 3, 2011

18 days out...

So ... I can't believe my surgery was 18 days ago.  I still can't believe its over and I'm "rerouted". 

Currently I'm in stage 3 of my post op diet which is pureed/soft foods.  So basically I'm living on ricotta cheese (especially using a modified version of Shelly's ricotta bake... so delish)... scrambled eggs with cheese, cottage cheese, popsicles, protein shakes and sugar free instant pudding.  mostly eggs... because its nice to be able to chew food. lol.  Its definitely a challenge getting in all the protein.  The tricky thing about WLS is that if you don't get enough protein... you won't loose.  So its dire to get in at least 60 grams of protein.  its hard because I can only eat about 1/4 of food at a time... its definitely hard.  But I'm making it work.  Isopure drinks help because one 20oz drink has 40 grams of protein.... the only problem with them is that they are pre-made and sooooo freakin sweet it takes me too long to drink them. last nights took me about 4 hours.  I have to get the powdered ones so I can make my own and figure out the sweetness and whatnot.

Mentally and emotionally.... I'm doing okay.  its definitely a weird change and I'm still pretty much in shock that I actually did it. I don't really have any of the "buyers remorse"... sometimes I'm like *wow* what did I do... but that typically fades.

I don't really feel any different except for the occasional gas pain (still working out all of the CO2) and not feeling hungry.  Ever.  There have definitely been some days where 7pm rolls around and I'm like.. shit.  I haven't had anything but water today.  eff. 

I haven't weighed myself from the last post... because I don't have a scale at home and I think that's for the better so I'm not running to the scale every 6 seconds lol.

I start my solid food diet on monday, which makes me happy, because my birthday is in 5 days and my girlfriends and I are going out and it makes me happy :)

Anywho... before I bid my adieus...  everyone should check out Eggface's blog and enter to win her super cool awesome prize giveaways!!  She is celebrating her 5 year anniversary of her RNY and her blog has definitely helped me out a lot with all my pre-op questions and foods and recipes!