Monday, September 26, 2011

Weekly Weigh In ... with a side of ranting...topped with love

So... I decided every monday I'm going to do a weekly weigh in. I figure it will keep me held accountable for everything and ensure that I blog at least once a week.  I find that blogging helps ME.  I could really give a crap if other people read this, but writing everything down and getting it out of my head really helps me. 

 So my plan is every Monday morning, after going to the bathroom but before I eat... I am going to weigh myself and take a picture and share it on my blog and talk about it and all that nonsense. 

So here is my weigh in for today, 9/26/2011-- 19 weeks post op ( I kinda wish I started doing this in the beginning, but... hindsights always 20/20) 

 227lbs.  December 28th 2010, I weighed 346 lbs.  On the date of my surgery I weighed 298lbs. 

Thats a total loss of 119lbs.  Since surgery... 19 weeks ago... I lost 71 pounds.  Seventy-One pounds... in 19 weeks.  Thats insane.  That equals out to an almost 4 lbs a week loss rate.  Freakin insane!  I'm like... 97 lbs away from goal.  freaking crazy.

So thats that. 

So.. lately I've been having a kind of hard time dealing with some of the changes post-op.  I'm still dealing with the loss of my best friend, Food and I'm having a hard time breaking up with my fat. Its like when a kid loses their favorite blankie.  My fat is my security blanket... I've already talked about this. All I've ever been is the fat funny girl.  Being a fat girl is what developed my personality and made me who I am today.  I was funny so people would laugh WITH me as opposed to AT me... I was the smart kid because my homework would never make fun of me.  Don't get me wrong... I had friends... lots of them... but when it came down to it... I really didn't have play dates or do things with all my friends because they were always part of a sports team.  Yeah.. I was a baton twirler and I did dance for years...   but I was still fat.  I was always the fattest kid in the room.  Always.  I over compensated.

So ... now I'm trying to figure out who I am.  Or who I want to be.  And throughout this process... I've lost friends... family members... but... I knew that was going to happen.   I didn't think I would get so twisted about everything... but I did. 

And now... fuck it.  I don't care if people hate me now. I don't care if you think I'm becoming narcissistic (which... by the way, I ALWAYS claimed to be one so... I dont understand what the problem is now). I don't care if you get mad at me if I don't stop people from commenting on how great I look or when they ask me about my surgery. 

I'm damn proud of everything I've done and I'm sure as hell not going to let anyone take that away from me. I'm at a point in my life where I'm allowed to be selfish.  Dont you DARE try to take that away from me.  You don't like it? Don't talk to me then.  At this point I really don't care.  I'm putting MYSELF first.   I have always done what people told me to do.  I always would put myself way down on that list.  I can NO longer worry about who wants to be in life and who doesnt.  I don't care about what people think of me anymore.  If you don't like this new version of me... then leave! Clearly then... you're not a real friend of mine if you can't accept me for who I am and always have been.  

Yes. Do I look in the mirror more now? Absolutely... because I can't believe this is actually happening.  Do I ask how I look in clothes more now? Yeah.. because I don't have to limit myself to just fat girl clothes from one of three stores I was able to shop at and now I can fit into mainstream clothing stores like Old Navy (and not even their largest size, thank you very much) and I'm trying to find my own personal style. 

If that makes me a terrible person.  Or if talking to someone who asks about my surgery bothers you... or whatever... I don't care.  I'm not gonna let it grind my gears anymore. 

... Now onto the love part:

My Aunt Laureen was in town this weekend for a funeral.. and I havent seen her since I was 16.  She was one of my moms best friends back in the day and I used to spend a lot of time with her and she is definitely someone who helped mold me.  She was always so much fun to be around and she used to teach me the most random things. ... Like sign language, or how to drive with my knees (I don't do this) or apply mascara while driving (okay, guilty) ... and she was always there until she moved out to Arizona back in like... 95.

My mom and her didn't always keep in touch, but a few years ago I found her on facebook and her and I have stayed in touch.  So when she had posted about her aunt's funeral and that she was going to be in NY for the weekend... I texted her and demanded to see her just so I can give her a big hug because I've missed her so much.

So she had a small availability yesterday morning, so after babysitting I drove out to see her.  It was so nice to see her and talk and catch up and we were able to pick up like we saw each other last week as opposed to like, 7 years ago.  (holy crap I can't believe my sweet 16 was 7 years ago... wow).  I love her so much <3

But... it got me thinking about my friendships with my best friends.  Like.. my core group of girls.  My ride or die.  My insides... my family...  Joanna, Nicole, Joanne, Liz, Ashley, Life Condom, Lauren Rae and Megan.   Like... those girls are my go to girls.  Like... all the time.  Those are my bitches <3 

And I don't want to lose contact with those girls.  Or any of my friends really.. but particularly those girls. I dont want it to be every few years that I see my friends kids. I don't want it to be that we only see each other on weddings or bridal showers or baby showers.   Thats not going to be okay for me.  My friends have always been my family and those girls are my insides.  like.... I couldn't imagine life without them. 

So my point is... no matter where we end up. Or however many states are between us or babies or whatever... I'm never going to stop annoying you bitches cause I loves ya too damn much <3

and it´s good
good to be back home
how I missed this time zone
oh...strangers they´re exciting
their mystery never ends
but there's nothing like looking at your own history
in the faces of your friends

Just sayin <3

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