Thursday, August 25, 2011

Things I'm learning about myself...

So lately I've been pretty ... insightful about my life... mostly in my own head.  And it usually stays in my head because when I take thoughts and try to form them into words or sentences about myself, that are actually.... serious... its hard for me to put them into the proper context and word them the right way.

Though I am only 3 months post-op... I have really changed for (at least what I think) is the better. I am more sure of myself.  I'm SO much happier.  Yes, I still have my days where I just want to lay in bed and do nothing, but everyone has those days.  I'm smiling more... this is something that has been pointed out to me.

Like for instance... The other day I went to my school to pick up my cap and gown (because thats right, I have my medical assistant graduation in a week and a half!) and one of the teachers, who I didn't even have as a teacher, said "You look so beautiful".  I didn't respond because we were all talking in a group, and I thought she was talking to Ms. G, one of my old teachers.  So I just stared blankly and then everyone looked at me... and my response was "oh! me?!" and she was like "Yes! I truly mean it.  And to be that beautiful you had to be beautiful before.  You just look beautiful and happy"

It was probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.  And I never realized how many people are happy for me, and cared about me, and wanted this for me, until I had the surgery.  The fact that people I barely know are telling me things like I'm beautiful and I look so much happier... is incredible.  Its an amazing feeling to know that other people give a damn.

Same thing for my support group and everyone at my drs office.  They are AMAZING.  I love going every other Tuesdays to the support groups. And I love going to the office to meet with Dr. K or the nutritionist. Everyone in that group is inspiring and they have gone through or are currently going through everything I'm going through.  Its so nice to have that type of support.  And they've helped me with so much more than just my RNY related issues.  They are seriously becoming like a second family to me.

Okay, back to the things I've learned about myself...

I'm learning how much more I respect myself now. I have been the girl that gives fat girls a bad name because I would put out just because a guy looked at me. I *knew* logically... that they would never actually date me, but its that fleeting feeling I would get of the "oh they actually want me" when really they just wanted to get their rocks off or because they made a bet with their buddy or whatever. A year ago I would have NEVER admitted I had low-self esteem.... Ever. Because in my head.. I didn't. 20/20 hindsight. Now I know what I'm worth. I'm abstaining from casual random sex with men because I know I'm worth more than a booty call or a fetish or some fantasy that some dude wants to fulfill. But thats all new and fresh and I'm actually having a hard time dealing with it because now I have to completely retrain myself on how I handle male attention. But I'm worth so much more than I ever gave myself credit for (and there were times where I gave myself A LOT of credit) ... Its all in the head. So from now on, I'm going to be following The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger's rules: NO SEX BEFORE MONOGAMY!

I'm learning that I'm actually a happy person.  I'm really not this pessimistic,cranky,bitter New Yorker I always kind of pegged myself to be.  I'm genuinely happy.  I'm not saying I wasn't happy pre-op... because for the most part I was.  I mean.. I had a pretty kick ass life, great friends, good head on my shoulders, and I was pretty cute.  But now, I'm just happy with myself.  The weight loss has really given me a different type of confidence that I didn't think I could have.  Its not faked. Its not the peacock strutting I've done in the past. Its this legitimate form of happiness that comes when I don't have to suck it in to zip of a pair of jeans, or when I can go into old navy and buy clothes *knowing* they'll fit.  Its really awesome. 

I'm learning that people see me as an inspiration.   Its incredibly humbling that people are looking up to me for inspiration/advice/guidance etc.  It was recently said to me at support group and then again today when the nutritionist from my surgeons office called me and asked if I would talk to a patient who had already gone through with the Lap-Band and was possibly considering converting to RNY but had some questions and concerns and was wondering if she could talk to someone around her age who had the surgery, and Nicole, the nutritionist thought of me and called me up and asked if I was willing to talk to her.  Of course I was.  I left her a message and thought long and hard about how I would go about the conversation, and when she called me back later on in the evening, it was like we had known each other for a while and we were able to talk very openly and freely.  I gave her my take on the RNY, and how I think it was the best thing I ever did and what not.  We were on the phone for 3 hours just talking about WLS, and life and everything.  I think she's making the right decision in the choice she made, and I also made a new friend.  But she told me that I helped her so much more than she thought and in a different way than she expected.  She said I just help her make a decision but I helped her change her views and admit certain things and she's really excited to change her ways for the better.  And whats even more amazing... is that these people that I inspire... keep me inspired.  Its awesome.  

I'm learning I'm capable of a lot more I've ever given myself credit for.  I had some serious concerns that I wasn't going to be about to live up to the expectations of my pouch.  I was legitimately scared that I was going to fail.  Sometimes I still have that feeling, but its so fleeting now, that sometimes I don't even pay attention to it.  I really didn't think I'd be okay with this lifestyle, but its amazing to my how something that I used to live my life around... doesn't really matter too much to me anymore.  Food ran my life for 22 years.  Everything I did... revolved around food.  Food controlled me in so many ways.  I lived for food.  ... Not anymore. Its weird how things change and how certain things no longer matter so much.   I thought I would have a hard time being at a bar or around alcohol because I can't drink, and at first... it wasn't so much hard as it was awkward.  I'm not saying I'm a lush, but if I had the cash, I enjoyed imbibing in a vodka soda every once in a while.  But... I forgot how much I love to just go to hang out with friends, or go just to dance.  I love dancing.  I talked about this before,but I pretty much look like a narwhal on wheels while dancing.  White girl got no rhythm.  But I fake it pretty well.   But its simple things like that... I'm rediscovering the little things that make me happy.  

I'm learning that my life is pretty awesome.

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