Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Its a love hate relationship....

With my body that is.  Lately I've been having some issues mentally with how I look physically.  While I weigh 184 lbs and my body fat percentage is down to about 23%... I still see a girl who weighs a lot more than that.  The hardest part of the surgery is now.  It wasn't the actual surgery.  It wasn't the relearning how to eat.  It wasn't giving up a lot of my favorite foods.  It wasn't changing my lifestyle.  Its now.  Dealing with my body.  Dealing with the body dysmorphia disorder.


I feel AMAZING.  I feel stronger.  I feel *healthy*. But... I'm having a lot of issues looking in the mirror and seeing myself as "thin".  A lot of whats on my body now isn't even fat.  Its skin.  Getting measured today and having Ty do the body fat measurement has definitely helped with that today.  Back in December, when I started going back to the gym...  I was at around 30% body fat... Last month I was at around 26%... Today I was 23% body fat! That's in the "fitness" category!!! This made me so happy an really helped me realize how much of my body is just skin. It doesn't make it completely better... But it certainly helps!!  I don't even know what I was body fat percentage wise at my highest weight of 346lbs.

I am planning on seeking help to talk to someone about the BDD.  Because its becoming a serious problem for me.  I'm constantly obsessing over how I look in what I'm wearing (or not wearing). I'm constantly poking at my body to see what bones I can feel (to make sure I can still feel them) and I also constantly poke at my skin trying to determine if its skin or fat.  The obsessing is getting in the way of how I go about my days.  I've been late to things because I change my outfit because I think I look huge in it.  I watch myself in the mirrors at the gym to see what bounces and how much it moves and I think everyone else is staring at it too. Meanwhile.. I know... LOGICALLY... that no one else is staring at my body at the gym because they're all staring at their body.  And trying not to die during the workout. 


I also think a lot of my freaking out has to do with the fact that I'm like... only 40lbs to goal. .... Since Sept. 26 (almost exactly 5 months ago) I lost 40lbs.  Thats also including my stall for the entire month of November. In October I lost about 13lbs...  In November I only lost 1lb. But then in December I dropped about 12lbs.  Then since 12/29 (when I hit Onederland!) I've lost another 15lbs.  


Sometimes I think I'm not losing fast enough.  Then I put things into perspective like that... and ... its wow.  In 9 months... I've lost 112lbs....  Since December 2010... I've lost 162. Its kinda incredible. 


And I know that's how I have to keep looking at it.  


That I'm incredible.       

Here is what 162lbs gone looks like btw. 




http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/420856_744642259622_84106251_34689296_1838124467_n.jpg



Also!! Before I forget!!!  Ya gotta check out Eggface's blog! She's having another AWESOME giveaway!!!  I really want to win this one so I can try different proteins and WLS friendly snacks!

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