FIVE FREAKIN DAYS!!!!!
just so everyone knows and is aware... and for all of you who are probably sick of seeing my status updates featuring a countdown.. SUCK IT. i'm friggin stoked and i'm making sure EVERYONE on earth knows I am having my GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY IN FIVE FREAKIN DAYS.
So thats my excitement part of the entry.
Next... my thank yous. I already did a fb note and tagged everyone, but I also want to thank my blog followers and blog friends. So I'm just copy and pasting what I had already wrote...
Thank you to all of my friends and family who have been so unbelievably supportive of me through my decisions and all my crap leading up to my gastric bypass, which will be taking place on May 16th.
All the outpourings of "congratulations", and "OMG I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU" and all things along those lines... mean the world to me. I am on an online forum of people who have written posts about how awful their friends have been and how they're family members have said hurtful things and almost wishing failure upon them.
Everyone has been so incredible and I am so grateful that I have all of you rooting for me and that you all realize I'm doing this for my health and well being.
I don't mean to get all sappy and shit but it really means a lot to me and I'm so excited to have this surgery knowing I have an incredible support system that goes from new york to ohio to arizona and beyond. But I really can't express how much I really truly appreciate all the support and everything <3
... Now onto my reasons for doing this...
I get a lot of this question... and last night at my first support group meeting.. I had to express why I wanted to do this. I have 5 top reasons... some are out of vanity, and some are petty... so judge all you want.. but its the honest truth.
1- My career--- I want to be a nurse and eventually work with Doctors without Borders or the American Red Cross and travel the world and help those less fortunate. I cannot do that at 300 pounds.
2- I do not.... DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT... want to end up like my parents. just plain and simple. I don't want to struggle the rest of my life being fat.
3- I'm sick of the fat. I'm just sick of it. Between having to shop at special stores... and buy more expensive clothes just because I'm fat.
4- I want a really sick tattoo on my side going from right under my tits to my mid thigh and have it wrap half way around my back... and I just can't do that fat.
5- I used to be friends with this one girl... she used to be one of my best friends... and she told my other best friend "If Katie was thin, I couldn't be friends with her because she'd be too pretty and compete with me for the guys"... So I really at this point, even though we're no longer friends (for different reasons, not related to my surgery... she's just a shithead) ... I really want to be able to give her a big FUCK YOU.
FIVE FREAKIN DAYS :) :) :) :)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
another months gone by... 12 days to go :)
So. I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing apparently. I don't mean to be... its just that.. well.. life gets in the way. Don't get me wrong... things are amazing... better than they've been in a really long time... hence why I haven't blogged. I've been out living my life and enjoying it and just having a freaking blast.
Well.. anyway... last I left off... I was heading to my surgeons to book my date and I was also totally worried about the self sabotage. When I had gone there on the 12th, I had actually only gained like... 4pounds... not the 10 I thought. I also booked my date. May 16th :) So it's about 12 days from now :)
I went back to the surgeon on the 26th, and I had lost 3 of those 4 pounds I gained and my surgeon was happy to see me back under 300. Thats the main goal right now... to stay under 300.
I just went back on the 2nd for my 6th and final weigh in at my surgeons before they can submit everything to the insurance company. I'm at 296. Exactly 50 lbs down from my highest weight in December 2010, which was 346 lbs.
All thats left now is continuing with my liquid diet.... and waiting to hear from the insurance company. I plan on calling every other day until I have an answer. Okay.. maybe everyday.
So... a lot of people have been asking questions.. which I'm fine with, since I've decided to broadcast my surgery EVERYWHERE. lol. many of them are the same:
- Are you scared/nervous?
- Are you sure this is what you want?
- Are you ever going to be able to eat normal again?
To answer them:
No. I'm not scared yet. I'm sure once I'm in the hospital, on the table.. about to be put under to have major abdominal surgery... yes... i'll be scared and nervous for those 5 seconds.
I'm more nervous and scared about not doing this and not being able to live my life the way it should be lived.
I'm absitively, posolutely, 141092849085290385206776549% sure this is what I want.
Yes. I will be able to eat normally again. Not for the first few months.. maybe not even for the first year... and maybe I won't be able to eat certain foods ever again. But .. I will be able to sit down and have a normal portion sized meal after this surgery. At this point though.. my last concern is food.
I am so freaking excited about this!!!!!!!
Well.. anyway... last I left off... I was heading to my surgeons to book my date and I was also totally worried about the self sabotage. When I had gone there on the 12th, I had actually only gained like... 4pounds... not the 10 I thought. I also booked my date. May 16th :) So it's about 12 days from now :)
I went back to the surgeon on the 26th, and I had lost 3 of those 4 pounds I gained and my surgeon was happy to see me back under 300. Thats the main goal right now... to stay under 300.
I just went back on the 2nd for my 6th and final weigh in at my surgeons before they can submit everything to the insurance company. I'm at 296. Exactly 50 lbs down from my highest weight in December 2010, which was 346 lbs.
All thats left now is continuing with my liquid diet.... and waiting to hear from the insurance company. I plan on calling every other day until I have an answer. Okay.. maybe everyday.
So... a lot of people have been asking questions.. which I'm fine with, since I've decided to broadcast my surgery EVERYWHERE. lol. many of them are the same:
- Are you scared/nervous?
- Are you sure this is what you want?
- Are you ever going to be able to eat normal again?
To answer them:
No. I'm not scared yet. I'm sure once I'm in the hospital, on the table.. about to be put under to have major abdominal surgery... yes... i'll be scared and nervous for those 5 seconds.
I'm more nervous and scared about not doing this and not being able to live my life the way it should be lived.
I'm absitively, posolutely, 141092849085290385206776549% sure this is what I want.
Yes. I will be able to eat normally again. Not for the first few months.. maybe not even for the first year... and maybe I won't be able to eat certain foods ever again. But .. I will be able to sit down and have a normal portion sized meal after this surgery. At this point though.. my last concern is food.
I am so freaking excited about this!!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
One month changes sooo much.
I can't believe its been a month since I've been on here. I warned everyone about march madness though.
Classes ended and I started my externship. I've been working 12 hour shifts, about 3 days a week, at a local urgent care facility. Think the fast track in an ER. I see everything from sore throats to lacerations to possibly broken bones. Its pretty freakin awesome.
With that said... I've been busy. And exhausted. For those of you who are playing the home game, I've been out of work for almost a year. Hence school for the past nine months, sitting on my ever loving fat ass, for nine months. Also, the job that I did have... was a desk job. So that was a year and half sitting on my fat ass at that office. So I haven't worked on my feet in about 3 years. Yeah. Plus I've gained weight in those 3 years so my feet and knees are currently not speaking to me. They have decided to wait patiently for my surgery, and then maybe just MAYBE they'll come around once I take some lbs off them. My left knee, however... is being a spiteful C U Next Tuesday. I've pretty much got bone on bone going on in my left knee... so it doesnt bother me while I'm on it all day... its when I sit down and stop for 5 minutes... it stiffens up and locks up and then I walk funny and people wanna know who the special girl is and why are they letting her touch patients. Anyway.
In all of this... I had gone to the surgeon and found out I'm down 50 lbs since December. **Confetti and Applause** Thanks. I know. I'm awesome.
At least I was. 50 lbs down and the self sabotage (insert beastie boys SABOTAGE here) sets in. Thats currently where I am now. Self sabotage. I dont do it on purpose. Its a "I'm down 50 lbs and I'm about to have a surgery where I won't be able to eat much or eat a lot of what I like afterwards... let me just eat this snickers. and this box of mashed potatoes. and yes, i'll have fries with that. Supersize". and yeah. lets talk about the drinking I've been doing. I've been going out more with friends because I want to actually be a 22 year old and have a life... and I forgot how much I like margaritas. and beer. and shots. (SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!!!) Again... its that whole... Who knows when I'll drink again after my surgery.
Oh. Yeah. And I havent been to a gym in like 2 weeks because I'm exhausted and my knee is messed up.
(haha. speaking of not being at the gym for the past few weeks, Tyrome just texted me "where the hell are you". He's been on vacation so I guess he just found out I havent been there.... oops. )
I have no idea why I do this. I've probably put on like 6 pounds within the 2 weeks of bad eating I've been doing. I want this surgery. I need this surgery. I have to break up with food. I know I turn to food for comfort. I know this logically. I've been able to turn it off in the past and not have that type of relationship with food. I was just doing it. I'll take suggestions on what to do at this point because I need to get my eating under control ... aside from therapy. Because i beat ya to that one ;)
I've made the decision to see someone to talk to regarding my issues with food. I'd like to start seeing someone before my surgery so I don't break my pouch once I get it.
Anyway. As for happy news. I see my surgeon again on the 12th and that will be my 5th weigh in. SOOOOOOO. that means.. I book my surgery on the 12th!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)
So thats about it. I'm running on E while self sabotage rears its ugly fat ass. C'est la vie.. I'll get through this.
Classes ended and I started my externship. I've been working 12 hour shifts, about 3 days a week, at a local urgent care facility. Think the fast track in an ER. I see everything from sore throats to lacerations to possibly broken bones. Its pretty freakin awesome.
With that said... I've been busy. And exhausted. For those of you who are playing the home game, I've been out of work for almost a year. Hence school for the past nine months, sitting on my ever loving fat ass, for nine months. Also, the job that I did have... was a desk job. So that was a year and half sitting on my fat ass at that office. So I haven't worked on my feet in about 3 years. Yeah. Plus I've gained weight in those 3 years so my feet and knees are currently not speaking to me. They have decided to wait patiently for my surgery, and then maybe just MAYBE they'll come around once I take some lbs off them. My left knee, however... is being a spiteful C U Next Tuesday. I've pretty much got bone on bone going on in my left knee... so it doesnt bother me while I'm on it all day... its when I sit down and stop for 5 minutes... it stiffens up and locks up and then I walk funny and people wanna know who the special girl is and why are they letting her touch patients. Anyway.
In all of this... I had gone to the surgeon and found out I'm down 50 lbs since December. **Confetti and Applause** Thanks. I know. I'm awesome.
At least I was. 50 lbs down and the self sabotage (insert beastie boys SABOTAGE here) sets in. Thats currently where I am now. Self sabotage. I dont do it on purpose. Its a "I'm down 50 lbs and I'm about to have a surgery where I won't be able to eat much or eat a lot of what I like afterwards... let me just eat this snickers. and this box of mashed potatoes. and yes, i'll have fries with that. Supersize". and yeah. lets talk about the drinking I've been doing. I've been going out more with friends because I want to actually be a 22 year old and have a life... and I forgot how much I like margaritas. and beer. and shots. (SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!!!) Again... its that whole... Who knows when I'll drink again after my surgery.
Oh. Yeah. And I havent been to a gym in like 2 weeks because I'm exhausted and my knee is messed up.
(haha. speaking of not being at the gym for the past few weeks, Tyrome just texted me "where the hell are you". He's been on vacation so I guess he just found out I havent been there.... oops. )
I have no idea why I do this. I've probably put on like 6 pounds within the 2 weeks of bad eating I've been doing. I want this surgery. I need this surgery. I have to break up with food. I know I turn to food for comfort. I know this logically. I've been able to turn it off in the past and not have that type of relationship with food. I was just doing it. I'll take suggestions on what to do at this point because I need to get my eating under control ... aside from therapy. Because i beat ya to that one ;)
I've made the decision to see someone to talk to regarding my issues with food. I'd like to start seeing someone before my surgery so I don't break my pouch once I get it.
Anyway. As for happy news. I see my surgeon again on the 12th and that will be my 5th weigh in. SOOOOOOO. that means.. I book my surgery on the 12th!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)
So thats about it. I'm running on E while self sabotage rears its ugly fat ass. C'est la vie.. I'll get through this.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
16:06
No. I'm not starting to talk in military time. 16:06 is like a new milestone for me. A momentous occasion. Something I didn't think would happen.
So let me walk you through it. My gym/bootcamp requires all members to perform a monthly fitness test. Depending on your score for the fitness test, you are awarded a dog tag color, and a rank. Cadet, Novice, Ranger, ... it keeps going. I don't remember all the names. I'm currently a Cadet... a beginner. Regardless, based on the rank you get... is a gauge of where you and your body is physically and how far it can be pushed before you end up all discombobulated and/or broken.
There are a few different workouts you need to do in order to complete the fitness test.
Jacobs Ladder ( I think you need to go up to 100 and record your time)
Rower (2000 meters, record time)
Stairs (as many sets of stairs you can do in 12 minutes. 1 set of stairs has 4 flights. or something like that. Idk.. each flight has like... 10 stairs... from the basement to the 2nd floor there are 4 of those 10 stairs. does that make sense? Like.. basement- stairs- landing-stairs-landing-stairs-landing-stairs-2nd floor. anyways. going from the basement, to the 2nd floor... BACK down to the basement... counts as one set of stairs.)
Push ups ( as many as you can do in 2 minutes)
Sit ups (as many as you can do in 2 minutes)
1 mile run (as fast as you can go, record your time)
So my first fitness test was last month and I had a modified version. My version went like this:
Crunches
Cobra push ups
Rope pulley thing (500 meters, record time-- in lieu of jacobs ladder)
1 mile run (this was 18:14... thats all I remember)
Elliptical (1 mile, no resistance -- in lieu of stairs)
(I'll get these scores from tyrome later and edit:post)
So... now... yesterday, I did my 2nd fitness test. They were saying how I was going to do everything like I did last time... and use the substitutes and what not. But I was totally pumped. I was READY.
I did a one mile run in 16 minutes and 6 seconds. So. I know for a lot of people... thats no big deal. But you're talking to a girl (okay, well.. you're reading the blog of a girl...) who doesn't run. Who couldn't even make the mile in elementary school through high school in under like... 18 minutes. But I set my standards the other day... when Ty put me on the treadmill and had me do just 1/2 a mile. I did it in 8mins and some random amount of seconds. So since I knew my PT test was coming up... I decided that I was going to run the mile in 16:30. I definitely just wanted under 17 minutes. So yesterday... I got on the treadmill... I set the speed at a 16:12 pace... and went. I jogged. I ran. I even increased the speed at one point. If it got to be to much.. I lowered the pace down, but never more than a 17minute pace. It was hard. So unbelievably hard. Ralph had come over at one point to see how I was doing .. I told him to walk away. I couldn't be distracted. I could barely talk since I was so out of breath. And I was in the "zone". Not quite sure what zone .. but whichever one it was.. I was in it. The only times my feet came off the belt was so I could get a drink of water (I'm not quite that talented to run and drink without looking like I just took a bath...) but I made sure I only did it for less than 10 seconds. When I was running... I was making sure I did it in 30-45 second intervals... I'm almost up to a minute of just straight running. When I was done with my mile, I jumped up on the sides of it and shouted 16:06! I think I was more in shock that I actually did it.... because it really didn't register.
After that... I decided I wanted to do all the actual exercises... instead of my modified version from last time. So then I did the rower. And then I did the stairs. So after doing a mile... my legs were jello-y. After the rower.... my legs were fire-y. After the stairs... my legs were ready to detach themselves from my body and slowly walk away to escape the torture.
I killed it. I felt empowered... especially after my mile run.Ralph and Ryan were proud of me. Thats all they kept telling me. Especially Ralph, he was really stoked for me and impressed that I shaved more than 2 minutes off my mile. ( I don't know if I mentioned how much I love all my Team Extreme boys lately... because I really really do) They were even more impressed when I basically demanded to do the rest of the exercises and not my modified version.
I'm really excited to get my score... which I'll either get today or tomorrow and hopefully... I moved up into the next level.
This milestone... is really something amazing. Its really helping me put all my hard workouts and dieting into perspective and it's only going to get better after my surgery. I'm so excited. The runner's high is really not a myth. I always feel so much better and happier after my workouts and yesterday after my PT test I was totally jazzed and it was awesome.
In the words of Elle Woods:
So let me walk you through it. My gym/bootcamp requires all members to perform a monthly fitness test. Depending on your score for the fitness test, you are awarded a dog tag color, and a rank. Cadet, Novice, Ranger, ... it keeps going. I don't remember all the names. I'm currently a Cadet... a beginner. Regardless, based on the rank you get... is a gauge of where you and your body is physically and how far it can be pushed before you end up all discombobulated and/or broken.
There are a few different workouts you need to do in order to complete the fitness test.
Jacobs Ladder ( I think you need to go up to 100 and record your time)
Rower (2000 meters, record time)
Stairs (as many sets of stairs you can do in 12 minutes. 1 set of stairs has 4 flights. or something like that. Idk.. each flight has like... 10 stairs... from the basement to the 2nd floor there are 4 of those 10 stairs. does that make sense? Like.. basement- stairs- landing-stairs-landing-stairs-landing-stairs-2nd floor. anyways. going from the basement, to the 2nd floor... BACK down to the basement... counts as one set of stairs.)
Push ups ( as many as you can do in 2 minutes)
Sit ups (as many as you can do in 2 minutes)
1 mile run (as fast as you can go, record your time)
So my first fitness test was last month and I had a modified version. My version went like this:
Crunches
Cobra push ups
Rope pulley thing (500 meters, record time-- in lieu of jacobs ladder)
1 mile run (this was 18:14... thats all I remember)
Elliptical (1 mile, no resistance -- in lieu of stairs)
(I'll get these scores from tyrome later and edit:post)
So... now... yesterday, I did my 2nd fitness test. They were saying how I was going to do everything like I did last time... and use the substitutes and what not. But I was totally pumped. I was READY.
Crunches: 125
Cobras: 75
Rope pulley thing (okay, this substitute I did because I'm scared of Jacobs Ladder)- 500 ft in 5mins and some odd seconds
Rope pulley thing (okay, this substitute I did because I'm scared of Jacobs Ladder)- 500 ft in 5mins and some odd seconds
Stairs: 7.5 sets
Rower: 2000 meters in 13:37 (i'm pretty sure on the seconds...)
1 Mile Run: 16:06
1 Mile Run: 16:06
I did a one mile run in 16 minutes and 6 seconds. So. I know for a lot of people... thats no big deal. But you're talking to a girl (okay, well.. you're reading the blog of a girl...) who doesn't run. Who couldn't even make the mile in elementary school through high school in under like... 18 minutes. But I set my standards the other day... when Ty put me on the treadmill and had me do just 1/2 a mile. I did it in 8mins and some random amount of seconds. So since I knew my PT test was coming up... I decided that I was going to run the mile in 16:30. I definitely just wanted under 17 minutes. So yesterday... I got on the treadmill... I set the speed at a 16:12 pace... and went. I jogged. I ran. I even increased the speed at one point. If it got to be to much.. I lowered the pace down, but never more than a 17minute pace. It was hard. So unbelievably hard. Ralph had come over at one point to see how I was doing .. I told him to walk away. I couldn't be distracted. I could barely talk since I was so out of breath. And I was in the "zone". Not quite sure what zone .. but whichever one it was.. I was in it. The only times my feet came off the belt was so I could get a drink of water (I'm not quite that talented to run and drink without looking like I just took a bath...) but I made sure I only did it for less than 10 seconds. When I was running... I was making sure I did it in 30-45 second intervals... I'm almost up to a minute of just straight running. When I was done with my mile, I jumped up on the sides of it and shouted 16:06! I think I was more in shock that I actually did it.... because it really didn't register.
After that... I decided I wanted to do all the actual exercises... instead of my modified version from last time. So then I did the rower. And then I did the stairs. So after doing a mile... my legs were jello-y. After the rower.... my legs were fire-y. After the stairs... my legs were ready to detach themselves from my body and slowly walk away to escape the torture.
I killed it. I felt empowered... especially after my mile run.Ralph and Ryan were proud of me. Thats all they kept telling me. Especially Ralph, he was really stoked for me and impressed that I shaved more than 2 minutes off my mile. ( I don't know if I mentioned how much I love all my Team Extreme boys lately... because I really really do) They were even more impressed when I basically demanded to do the rest of the exercises and not my modified version.
I'm really excited to get my score... which I'll either get today or tomorrow and hopefully... I moved up into the next level.
This milestone... is really something amazing. Its really helping me put all my hard workouts and dieting into perspective and it's only going to get better after my surgery. I'm so excited. The runner's high is really not a myth. I always feel so much better and happier after my workouts and yesterday after my PT test I was totally jazzed and it was awesome.
In the words of Elle Woods:
Exercise gives you endorphins.
Endorphins make you happy.
Happy people just don't shoot their husbands.
They just don't
Endorphins make you happy.
Happy people just don't shoot their husbands.
They just don't
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Mock interview and cardiology exam
So today was my mock interview at school :) it went really well... I was super excited about everything. It was a great learning experience and it was really helpful.
I'm so excited that next week is the last week of my classroom classes, and then I get my externship site :) I'm really looking forward to finding out where I'm going to be for the next (and last) 160 hours of my education :) :)
Also, the nearing of my externship means the sooner I'm on the table for my gastric bypass (in theory anyway) I'm hoping to finish up my externship, then get my RNY... use those recovery days for studying and preparing for my exams... and then take the NCCTs and/or the RMA's so I can be completely certified and then start my job hunt by June. If I don't get offered a position at my extern site. Which, would be nice, and I would tell them I'd start as soon as possible, but they would have to give me at least two weeks for my surgery. 2 weeks top. at least.
So yesterday was my appointment with the cardiologist. He first asked me a bunch of questions, and then I got an EKG which he said was impeccable (woohoo, my heart beats fantastically) <3 woohoo. He said he sends all his patients needing bariatric clearance for a stress test and echocardiogram but my insurance doesn't allow the stress test to be done at his office so now he wants me to go for a stress echocardiogram but I have to wait for them to get back to me about scheduling that.
One of my favorite things about all of this, is having all the doctors telling I'm perfectly healthy. The only thing "wrong" with me is that my blood pressure is borderline high. It usually runs 130/90... average is 120/80 ... but the normal range is from 90/70-130/90. So i'm on the high side of normal.
Friday I see the gastro doctor to get everything set up for my under endoscopy that will need to be done. Hoepfully I can get that done some time in the end of march, or early april. Or even after my externship.
I'd like to try and not have to take days off from my externship. With all these doctors appointments coming up though... its ridiculous.
Such is life. I signed up for this and I'm okay with it. I might as well have all these doctor appointments now to prevent all these doctor appointments, plus 8 million more for all the problems that my obesity will cause.
Anyways. thats about it for now :)
Till next time
-- Katie
I'm so excited that next week is the last week of my classroom classes, and then I get my externship site :) I'm really looking forward to finding out where I'm going to be for the next (and last) 160 hours of my education :) :)
Also, the nearing of my externship means the sooner I'm on the table for my gastric bypass (in theory anyway) I'm hoping to finish up my externship, then get my RNY... use those recovery days for studying and preparing for my exams... and then take the NCCTs and/or the RMA's so I can be completely certified and then start my job hunt by June. If I don't get offered a position at my extern site. Which, would be nice, and I would tell them I'd start as soon as possible, but they would have to give me at least two weeks for my surgery. 2 weeks top. at least.
So yesterday was my appointment with the cardiologist. He first asked me a bunch of questions, and then I got an EKG which he said was impeccable (woohoo, my heart beats fantastically) <3 woohoo. He said he sends all his patients needing bariatric clearance for a stress test and echocardiogram but my insurance doesn't allow the stress test to be done at his office so now he wants me to go for a stress echocardiogram but I have to wait for them to get back to me about scheduling that.
One of my favorite things about all of this, is having all the doctors telling I'm perfectly healthy. The only thing "wrong" with me is that my blood pressure is borderline high. It usually runs 130/90... average is 120/80 ... but the normal range is from 90/70-130/90. So i'm on the high side of normal.
Friday I see the gastro doctor to get everything set up for my under endoscopy that will need to be done. Hoepfully I can get that done some time in the end of march, or early april. Or even after my externship.
I'd like to try and not have to take days off from my externship. With all these doctors appointments coming up though... its ridiculous.
Such is life. I signed up for this and I'm okay with it. I might as well have all these doctor appointments now to prevent all these doctor appointments, plus 8 million more for all the problems that my obesity will cause.
Anyways. thats about it for now :)
Till next time
-- Katie
Security (fat) Blanket
So last night, I was talking with one of the friends I made on the OH forums and she had said how she was afraid she wasn't going to lose the weight she wanted too... or even any at all. Then we went on to briefly discuss (before I fell asleep... ) how we've both had our fat with us all of our lives and its almost surreal that it is going to be leaving us.
I know it probably sounds weird to most people... but for me... my fat is almost like a security blanket. Its always been with me. I got to this point because I needed comfort and food was my friend. Its been with me for about 20 years. That's a long time. 2 decades. I still have my (actual) baby blanket from when I was an infant... and I almost feel like getting rid of my fat is getting rid of a HUGE part of me (no pun intended)
I know it probably sounds weird to most people... but for me... my fat is almost like a security blanket. Its always been with me. I got to this point because I needed comfort and food was my friend. Its been with me for about 20 years. That's a long time. 2 decades. I still have my (actual) baby blanket from when I was an infant... and I almost feel like getting rid of my fat is getting rid of a HUGE part of me (no pun intended)
And then I realized... I am, in fact, literally, getting rid of a huge part of me. I'm getting rid of what people have used to defined me and judged me by; The Fat Chick.
I was never really a girl who hid behind her fat. I was never shy, I was never quiet because of my fat. That's simply not my nature. I've always been a loud, fun-loving, usually obnoxious attention whore. I learned that people like the funny girl, so I became funny. I learned that people like smart girls...I became smart. I trained myself to be these things in order to (hopefully) give people something else to judge and define me by instead of just fat. I then became the Smart Fat Chick. or the Funny Fat Chick. Or the Smart, Funny but Fat Chick.
When it came time for people to be my friends though... if they didn't like me. Or didn't want to be my friend... I blamed it on the fat. It wasn't because I could sometimes be a bitch, or because I say things without thinking and it usually offends people (I tell people this is because I'm too busy talking to think about what I'm actually saying) ... But they didn't like me because I'm fat. With guys... same thing. I was good enough to bang in the backseat.. but I was rarely good enough to take home to mom as the (fat) Girlfriend. Usually I would just go over and it would be "This is my (fat) friend, Katie. She's gonna help me study". Study... yes... because again.. I was the Smart Fat Chick. But all these guys who were just around for the booty... didn't like me-like me (yeah, we're going back to elementary school terms a la "Do you like me like me? check yes or no") .... I blamed it on the fat.
So I eventually stopped blaming on the fat... and realized its just different strokes for different folks. People are going to not like me all the time; because of all different reasons. I think the main reason is because I'm kind of a bitch. I admit it. I'm also selfish, stubborn, occasionally impatient, argumentative, I always think I'm right.. and I have a lot of other fairly awful qualities that would ensure someone to not be my friend. And after my surgery... I think that will all really come out into the light.
At least that's a real reason as to why someone wouldn't like me. I dislike plenty of people because they're assholes or bitches. But I typically don't dislike someone if they're skinny, or tall, or something I'm not. Sure, do I sometimes say to my friends "fuck you, skinny bitch" of course. But they're my friends. Do I envy thin, fit people. YES. because they have what I've tried so hard to be for such a long time. And some of them without even trying. But I'm still friends with them.
So moral of the ramblings? Fat doesn't define me. I'm sad I used to let fat define me. But... I no longer let that happen. And after the surgery... it won't be there to define me anymore. it wont be there to comfort me anymore. Its time I come to terms that soon.. I am breaking up with fat. I'm losing a part of me... but its a part of me that's weighing me down. (okay, that pun was intended ;) )
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Talk about March Madness
Its MARCH! When the hell did that happen? I've got a lot going on this month-- Doctors appointments for my pre-op exams
-Today is the Cardiologist.
-Friday is the first appointment with the dr who will be doing my upper GI
-March 5th is my bloodwork
-March 17th is the Pulmonologist
--Plus seeing the nutritionist and my surgeon in march for my weigh-ins :)
Then sometime in April will be my UGI ... and then I'll be done with all my pre-op testing!
On top of all those doctor appointments... I have non-bypass-related appointments also coming up. Then babysitting... continuing my workouts at the gym... and March 9th is my last day of classes :) I find out on March 11th where my externship is :) I'm really excited, but also nervous to actually be out in the field working in a doctors office.
Sometimes I feel like everything in my life is on the fast track lately. Believe me... I'm not complaining. I'm really excited about all the upcoming changes in my life. Things are going to be so awesome and moving fast.. and that makes me so excited :)
I am like... 11 pounds away from my surgeons pre-op goal :) i'm super excited about that.
I'm hoping I can have that down by the time I see my surgeon on the 15th.
Sometimes I can't believe exactly how fast everything is moving. I feel like I was just sitting at the seminar for the bariatric surgeries... and now 2 months has gone by and I'm coming up on my 3rd weigh in with dr k. after that i'll only need 2 more with him because I have a weigh in from December with my ob/gyn that they can submit with the insurance company :) I'm sooo excited
Things will be submitted to my insurance company sometime in April and then I'll hopefully have a date for sometime in May :) ... june at the latest :)
SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEE :-D
-Today is the Cardiologist.
-Friday is the first appointment with the dr who will be doing my upper GI
-March 5th is my bloodwork
-March 17th is the Pulmonologist
--Plus seeing the nutritionist and my surgeon in march for my weigh-ins :)
Then sometime in April will be my UGI ... and then I'll be done with all my pre-op testing!
On top of all those doctor appointments... I have non-bypass-related appointments also coming up. Then babysitting... continuing my workouts at the gym... and March 9th is my last day of classes :) I find out on March 11th where my externship is :) I'm really excited, but also nervous to actually be out in the field working in a doctors office.
Sometimes I feel like everything in my life is on the fast track lately. Believe me... I'm not complaining. I'm really excited about all the upcoming changes in my life. Things are going to be so awesome and moving fast.. and that makes me so excited :)
I am like... 11 pounds away from my surgeons pre-op goal :) i'm super excited about that.
I'm hoping I can have that down by the time I see my surgeon on the 15th.
Sometimes I can't believe exactly how fast everything is moving. I feel like I was just sitting at the seminar for the bariatric surgeries... and now 2 months has gone by and I'm coming up on my 3rd weigh in with dr k. after that i'll only need 2 more with him because I have a weigh in from December with my ob/gyn that they can submit with the insurance company :) I'm sooo excited
Things will be submitted to my insurance company sometime in April and then I'll hopefully have a date for sometime in May :) ... june at the latest :)
SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEE :-D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)